Category: school

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn’t published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his
subjects.
11. When subjects didn’t behave as predicted, he deleted them from
the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his
tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain
top.
17. No record of working well with colleagues.

Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients:

1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten
2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9.) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous.

To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston’s first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.
So, Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course, the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick.

Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. “I can’t find it,” he admitted.

The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said “yes” and goes on his way.

Well five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher, “I can’t find it.”

Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.

So, Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Tommy, “Well, did you find it?”

Tommy is quick with his reply, “Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards.”

..you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate.

..your carrel is better decorated than your apartment.

..you have ever, for a folklore project, attempted to track the progress of your own joke across the Internet.

..you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read.

..you have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.

..you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop.

..everything reminds you of something in your discipline.

..you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.

..you have ever spent more than $50 on photocopies while researching a single paper.

..there is a microfiche reader in the library that you consider “yours.”

..you actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche.

..you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library.

..you look forward to summers because you’re more productive without the distraction of classes.

..you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin.

..you consider all papers to be works in progress.

..your professors don’t really care when you turn in your work anymore.

..you find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the actual text.

..you have given up trying to keep your books organized and are now just trying to keep them all in the same general area.

..you have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation.

..you reflexively start analyzing those Greeks letters before you realize that it’s just a sorority sweatshirt and not an equation.

..you find yourself explaining to young children that you are in the “20th” grade.

..you start referring to stories like “Snow White, et. al.”

..you frequently wonder how long you can live on pasta without getting scurvy.

..you look forward to taking some time off to do laundry.

..you have more photocopy cards than credit cards.

..you yonder if APA style allows you to cite talking to yourself as “personal communication.”

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.64. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.

You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

Your potted plants stay alive.

Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.

You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

You have to pay your own credit card bill.

You haven’t seen a soap opera in over a year.

8:00 a.m. is not early.

You have to file your own taxes.

You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

You’re not carded anymore.

You carry an umbrella.

Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.

You start watching the Weather Channel.

Jeans and baseball caps aren’t staples in your wardrobe.

You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.

You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

You go to parties that the police don’t raid.

Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.

Your car insurance goes down, except when you move to Jersey.

You refer to college students as kids.

You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum. Well,
some of us still drink rum.

You feed your dog Science Diet instead of Taco Bell.

You’re waking up at 6 a.m. instead of going to bed.

College sweatshirts are ‘casual’ instead of dress up.

Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.

Dinner and a movie � the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN Sportscenter, and
MTV News.

METABOLISM SLOWDOWN

Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone’s and Mad Dog.

You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.

When drinking, you say at least once per night.

Please read the following passage and then read the succeeding interpretation

Luke: “You fought in the clone wars?”

Ben: “I was once a Jedi Knight the same as your father.”

Luke: “My father didn’t fight in the wars. He was a navigator on a space freighter.”

Ben: “That’s what your Uncle told you. He didn’t hold with your father’s ideals. He thought he should stay home. Not gotten involved.”

Luke: “I wish I had known him.”

Ben: “He was a cunning warrior, and the best star pilot in the galaxy. I understand you’ve become quite a good pilot yourself. And he was a good friend. For over a thousand years the Jedi Knight protected the galaxy. Before the dark times. Before the Empire”

Luke: “How did my father die?”

Ben: “A young Jedi Knight named Darth Vader, who was a pupil of mine until he turned to evil, helped the Emperor hunt down and destroy the Jedi Knights. He betrayed and murdered your father. Vader was seduced by the Dark Side of the Force.”

Luke: “The Force?”

Ben: “Yes, the Force is what gives a Jedi Knight his power. It’s an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us. Penetrates us. Binds the galaxy together. Which reminds me. Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your Uncle wouldn’t allow. He thought you’d follow Obi-Wan on some idealistic crusade.”

Luke: “What is it?”

Ben: “It a lightsaber. The weapon of a Jedi Knight. Not as random or clumsy as a blaster. An elegant weapon for a more civilized age.”

******************

Now the interpretation, as a conversation I never want to have with your son…

******************

Luke: “You were in the Greek System?”

Ben: “I was once a Frat Guy the same as your father.”

Luke: “My father didn’t belong to a frat. He was a tool, an RA in the dorms for four years.”

Ben: “That’s what your mother told you. She didn’t hold with your father’s ideals. She thought he should stay home. Not drink until four in the morning and then pee on things.”

Luke: “I wish I had known him, when he could drink.”

Ben: “He was a cunning partier, and the best boat-racer in the house. And he was a good bro. I understand you’ve become quite a boozehound yourself. For over five years he got so curbed he could hardly function. Before the dark times. Before, his skirt.”

Luke: “How did my father `ecome a lame butt?”

Ben: “A young chick, namely your mother, who was pretty cool herself until she turned to evil, helped other women hunt down and destroy the coolness in men. She civilized and murdered the bro. who was once your father. Your mother was pissed off by the dark side of Beer”

Luke: “Beer?”

Ben: [smiles] “Yes, Beer is what gives a frat guy his power. It’s a beverage created by hops and barley, and stuff like that. It intoxicates us. Gives us beer goggles. And lets us yell stuff like “penis” in bars everywhere. Which reminds me. Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your Mother wouldn’t allow it. She thought you’d follow some Frat Brother on some binge drinking crusade.”

Luke: “What is it?”

Ben: “Your father’s beer-bong. The weapon of a Frat Guy. Not as random or clumsy as a shot glass. An elegant weapon for a less civilized age…”

The new family in the neighbourhood overslept, and their six-year-old daughter missed her school bus.

The father, though late for work, agreed to drive her if she’d direct him to the school.

They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time, several more before she indicated another turn. This went on for 20 minutes – but when they finally reached the school, it proved to be only a short distance from their home.

The father asked his daughter why she’d led him around in such a circle.

The child explained, “That’s the way the school bus goes, Daddy. It’s the only way I know.”

An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for
his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice
of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.
Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
“Done!” says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of
lightning.
Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of
light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, “Say something.”
The dean sighs and says, “I should have taken the money.”

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.172. Ask your roommate if Bob, your invisible friend, can stay the night.

Three girls are sitting around, totally bored so one girl
suggests that they make up nicknames for their ideal
boyfriends and name them after soda pops.
“I want mine to be 7-Up, ’cause 7 days a week he’s up.”

“I want mine to be Mountain Dew ’cause when he’s in between
my mountains, we’ll be doing it.”

“Mine’s gonna be Jack Daniel’s.”

“You can’t do that. Here we are talking about soda pop and
you’re talking about a hard liquor.”

“Exactly.”

On little Larry’s first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, ‘I don’t belong here, I should be in third grade!’

The teacher looked at little Larry’s records and told him to please take his seat. Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, ‘I don’t belong here, I should be in the third grade!’

Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry’s problem. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of.

The teacher suggested they try some biology questions… ‘What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?’ asked the teacher.

‘Legs!’ Larry immediately replied.

‘What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn’t?’ asked the teacher.

‘Pockets!’ said Larry.

The teacher looked at the principal, who said, ‘Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!’