Category: school

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: – religion – royalty – sex – mystery

The prize-winning essay read:

“My God,” said the Queen. “I’m pregnant. I wonder who did it?”

An examination in anatomy. The professor asks a student:
“What is the function of muscles cremaster (the muscle, lifting the
testicle)?”
“Lifts the testicle.”
“And more?”
“Well, I am not sure… But if the testicle is squeezed by a door, it goggles
the eyes, puts out the tongue and makes the vocal cords shout A-a-a-a…”

Time Limit: 3 weeks
YOU MUST ANSWER TWO OR MORE QUESTIONS CORRECTLY TO QUALIFY!

1.) What language is spoken in France?

2.) Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions OR Give the first name of PIERRE Trudeau.

3.) Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army (D) WRITE A PLAY

4.) What religion is the Pope? (Check only one) (a) Jewish (B) CATHOLIC (c) Hindu (d) Swedish (e) Agnostic

5.) Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?

6.) What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 1?

7.) How many commandments was Moses given? (Approximate)

8.) What are people in America’s far north called? (a)Westerners (b)Southerners (C)NORTHERNERS

9.) Spell – CAT, DOG, PIG

10.) Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the sixth. Name the previous five.

11.) Where does rain come from? (a) Macy’s (b) 7-11 stores (c) cats and dogs (D) THE SKY

12.) Can you explain Einsteins’s theory of relativity? (a) Yes (b) No

13.) What are coat hangers used for?

14.) The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15.) Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium. OR Spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS

16.) Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17.Which part of America produces the most oranges? (a) Nigeria (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Australia

18.) If you have 3 apples, how many apples do you have?

19.) What is the phone number for 911?

20.) How many Chinese Urns in a dozen?

21.) If Sacramento is the state capitol of California, what is the state capitol of California?

22.) Where does wood come from? (a) TREES (b) Asphalt (c) Steel

23.) If I have 10 dollars and I give you 10 dollars, how much money do I have left?

EXTRA CREDIT: Using your fingers, count from 1-5.

12> Reading circle guffaws at every “See Dick go. Go Dick. Go. Go. Go.”

11> “Tent-making” is a frequent show-and-tell theme.

10> “Nigel?”
“No.”
“Simon?”
“No.”
“Terry?”
“No.”
“Come now, certainly *one* of you can demonstrate this equation on the chalkboard.”

9> It seems like every other yearbook quote is from Rafael Palmeiro.

8> “You back there with your hand up… oh, my God!”

7> That poor climbing rope in the gym is seeing more action than Madonna.

6> Instead of one measly vice principal, your school now has an entire vice squad.

5> Peepholes between boys’ and girls’ locker rooms are now waist-high.

4> Other kids’ shadow pictures during filmstrips: dogs and bunnies. His shadow pictures during filmstrips: rockets and bananas.

3> Uptick in wrestling team interest offset by huge increases in clean-up costs.

2> “I will leave more room between me and Billy in the lunch line.
I will leave more room between me and Billy in the lunch line.
I will leave more room between me and Billy in the lunch line.”

1> The swim team members no longer have problems staying in their own lanes.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

71. You meet the type of people you only thought existed in the movies.72. You learn to sleep with light, noise, extreme temps, and roommates snoring.73. You don’t have to cover your textbooks anymore.74. You become a juggler with the balance between school, friends, girls, activities, work, parties…75. You live for chicken finger day at the cafeteria.76. People that were geeks in high school seem okay now.77. You begin to realize that college is about the ideal lifestyle, except for those pesky classes.78. You get good at rationalizing on whether to do homework or not (usually not).79. Procrastination becomes an art.80. Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires (for example, see # 12).

For those of you who may need it…A Prayer for the Stressed!

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the behind that I may have to kiss tomorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work….
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays

And help me to remember …
When I’m having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my arm and smack the jerk on the head!

Sign on a brake repair shop in Joliet, Illinois, “We stand in front of our work.”

Sign on a muffler shop in Santa Cruz, “We’re the Nobody that Midas brags about.”

A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat. . . .

Says He: “I’m sorry honey but I’m up to my neck in work today”

Says She: “But I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you dear.”

Says He: “OK darling, but since I’ve got no time now, just give me the good news, OK?”

Says She: “Well, the air bag works…”

An instructor was sitting in his office one afternoon when an attractive, sexy-looking lady knocked on his door.

“Yes?”, he replied, “how may I help you?”

The lady said “I need to talk to you about my grade in your class.”

“Come in and have a seat,” said the instructor.

Is there anything I can do to get an “A” in your class?

“What do you mean by anything?”, he replied.

“Anything.”, she said.

“Anything?”, he said again.

She said, in her best sultry voice “I mean anything.”

The instructor got up from behind his desk, sat down beside her and whispered in her ear, “Would you study?”

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.176. Invite the school President to sleepover.

Un homme a dit au ringmaster qu’il etait interesse a joindre le cirque comme lion plus docile. Le ringmaster a demande s’il avait n’importe quelle experience que l’homme a dit, “pourquoi, oui. Mon pere etait un des tamers de lion les plus celebres dans le monde, et il m’a enseigne que tout qu’il a su.” “vraiment?” a dit le ringmaster. “il vous a enseigne comment faire un lion sautent par un cercle flamboyant?” “oui il ,” l’homme repondu. “et il vous a enseigne comment faire former six lions une pyramide?” “oui il ,” l’homme repondu. “et ayez-vous jamais coince votre tete dans la bouche d’un lion?” “juste une fois,” l’homme a repondu. Le ringmaster a demande, “pourquoi seulement une fois?” L’homme a dit, “je recherchais mon pere.”

81. The only reason you ever dress up is when everything else is dirty.82. Your parents start to tell you stories about their college days.83. With all the wealth of knowledge around you, you start to feel like you’re on intellectual welfare.84. Going to the mini-mart is a major treat.85. Amount of alcohol consumed is directly proportional to grade point average.86. You have two kinds of shoes: everyday shoes and party shoes.87. Classes: the later the better.88. The cute girls actually talk to you now.89. Care packages make it all worthwhile.90. The longer you’re there, the less you talk about home.