Category: school

One night, a group of gay men were playing truth or dare. One man is dared to walk down to the mini market naked and buy condoms and candy. The man goes to the store and buys the condom and candy, barely able to stop thinking about how he will use the condoms when he got back to the house, but on the way back he sees three nuns approaching. The man jumped into a bush, but he fails to conceal his erection. One of the nuns sees his penis, and says. “oh, look! a slot machine. ill go first”. so the nun yanks down on the mans penis and waits to see if she one. The man is pushed against a prickly bush, and drops the condom. “oh, look! i got a bendable thimble! now i won’t poke myself when i sew.” “oh, i wonder what i will get?” she pulls on the “handle”, and out falls the candy. The third nun yanks on the handle, hoping for something good, and shouts out: “i got hand lotion!”

One day the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn’t have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday the teacher asks: “How many grains of sand are on the beach?” needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class: “How many stars are in the sky?” and again no one could answer. Frustrated little Johnny decides that the next Friday he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.

So Thursday night Johnny takes 2 ping pong balls and paints them black. The next day he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day just when the teacher says, “here’s this week’s question,” Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

The teacher says, “ok, who’s the comedian with the black balls?”

Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, “Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!”

Hanging in the hallway at Whites High School in Wabash, Ind., are the basketball team pictures from the past 40 years. A player in the center of the front row in each picture holds a basketball identifying the year — “62-63,” “63-64,” “64-65,” etc. One day I spotted a freshman looking curiously at the photos.

Turning to me, he said, “Isn’t it strange how the teams always lost by one point?”

A mother talks to her son, “You must be ashamed, son. Your teachers keep
complaining. Why won’t you follow the example of your father?”
“But he’s in jail.”
“Yes, but he wrote in his letter that his term has been cut in half for an
exemplary behavior.”

After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America’s recreation preferences.

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is:
Basketball.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is:
Bowling.

3. The sport of choice for front line workers is:
Football.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is:
Baseball.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is:
Tennis.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is:
Golf.

Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become!

Sven and Ole worked together and were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.

When asked his occupation, Sven looked the lady in the eye and said “Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties.”

The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.

Then Ole goes in and sits down with the lady.
She asked Ole his occupation. “Diesel fitter”, he replied.

Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave the Ole $600 a week.

When Sven found out he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker, Ole, was collecting double his unemployment pay.

The clerk explained: “When I looked it up, panty-stitchers were unskilled laborers and diesel fitters were skilled laborers.”

Skill!…”What skill?” yelled Sven.
“I sew the elastic on…
He pulls on it and says,…..”Yep, diesel fitter”.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.63. Follow him/her around on weekends.

The first 90% of project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.

If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

Keep your boss’s boss off your boss’s back.

If you can’t get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

It doesn’t matter what you do, it only matters what you say you’ve done and what you’re going to do.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Everything can be filed under “miscellaneous.”

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t.

If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger handle this?”

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

A woman realizes her son has not yet gotten out of bed for school.

She goes into his bedroom and tells him to get up or he will miss breakfast.
“No,” the son replies. “I don’t wanna go to school!”

“You HAVE to go to school,” the mother scolds.
“No! The kids are mean to me, the teachers don’t like me, and the lunches are icky.”
“You WILL go to school, young man,” the mother warns.

“Why? Why do I have to go to school today?” the son asks.
The mother is about to lose her patience.
“Because you’re the principal, now get out of bed!”

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.104. Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One day, miraculously “recover.” Insist that your roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say, “Oooh, are you dying?”

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.93. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you’re going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.

An elementary school teacher, well versed in educational jargon, asked for a
small allotment of money for �behavior modification reinforces.�
Her superior saw the item and asked, �What in heaven�s name is that?�
�Lollipops,� the teacher explained