Category: school

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.

A girl who was in the eighth grade said to her parents, “Today we had a
physician in our class. We all undressed and he conducted a check-up.”
“And?”
“You know, they found only one virgin in the entire class.”
“Good girl.”
“Mom, but this was our teacher.”

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led
the way into the den.
“What is the big brass gong and hammer for?” one of his friends asked.
“That is the talking clock,” the man replied.
“How’s it work?” the friend asked.
“Watch,” the student said then proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering
pound with the hammer.
Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, “KNOCK IT OFF, YOU
JERK! It’s two AM!”

As the policeman helped the bruised and battered student up from the road in front of the pub, he asked, “Can you describe the man who hit you?”

“Oh yes,” said the student, “That’s just what I was doing when he hit me”

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.153. Go through your roommate’s textbooks with a red pen, changing things and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her that you just couldn’t take it anymore.

There was this young boy. As he was leaving to go to church, his mother gave
him a dollar for the collection plate. On the way, he passed a hamburger stand,
and bought a hamburger with the offering money. He ate half, and decided to save
the other half for after church. He put the other half in his pocket.
During church, the preacher was preaching, “The Lord is everywhere…He’s in
the heavens, He’s in the air, He’s on the earth, He’s in your house…The Lord
is everywhere!”
The boy jumps up, says, “Preacher, can I ask a question?” “Sure”,says the
preacher. “Do you mean the Lord is everywhere?” “Yep, He’s everywhere”.
The boy reaches down, opens his pocket and says,”Lord, if You’re in there,
please don’t eat my hamburger!”

This is for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you do any of these things on the first day of class or for that matter, on any day of class.11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook. 12. Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your intention to pursue a career in measurements and units. 13. Sing your questions. 14. Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme. 15. When the professor calls roll, after each name scream “THAT’S MEEEEE! Oh, no, sorry.” 16. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O’Reilly. 17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.18. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you’ve done so. 19. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters “CHECK YOUR FLY”. 20. Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.

An American is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam when a Canadian man, chewing gum, sits down next to him.The American ignores the Canadian who, nevertheless, starts a conversation:Canadian: “You American folk eat the whole bread??” American (in a bad mood): “Of course.”Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) “We don’t. In Canada, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states.” The Canadian has a smirk on his face.The American listens in silence.The Canadian persists: “Do you eat jelly with the bread??”American: “Of Course.”Canadian: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). “We don’t. In Canada we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states.”The American then asks: “Do you have sex in Canada?”Canadian: “Why of course we do”, the Canadian says with a big smirk.American: And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?”Canadian: “We throw them away, of course.”American: “We don’t. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Canada.

Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.

A Boston brokerage house advertised for a “Young Harvard graduate or the equivalent.”

Among the inquiries received was one from a Yale grad.

He said, “Do you mean two Princeton men, or a Yale man part time?”

It was George the Mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orangejuice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.

“All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?”

“Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.

I asked him what to give you. He said, ‘Fuck him. Give him a dollar.’ The breakfast was my idea!”

HUNCHBACK’S WIFE: I’m getting worried about that back of yours. It looks really awful. Perhaps you should see a doctor. Eventually, after a lot of persuasion the Huchback goes to the doctor.

DOCTOR: I want you to get undressed. ( Hunchback removes jacket then stops)

HUNCHBACK: I don’t like getting undressed.

DOCTOR: If you want me to examine your back you’ll have to get undressed. ( Hunchback removes his shirt but leaves his vest on.)

HUNCHBACK: I don’t like showing people my back. They always laugh at me.

DOCTOR: Do you want me to examine your back or not? ( Very reluctantly the hunchback removes his vest ( woollen undergarment in UK ))

DOCTOR: How long is it since you were at school?

HUNCHBACK: Over 30 years. Why?

DOCTOR: Did you ever wonder what happened to your backpack