Category: school

When I take a long time
I am slow
When my boss takes a long time
He is thorough
———————————-
When I don’t do it
I am lazy
When my boss doesn’t do it
He is too busy
———————————-
When I do something without being told
I am trying to be smart
When my boss does the same
That is initiative
———————————-
When I please my boss
I’m ass-kissing
When my boss pleases his boss
He’s co-operating
———————————-
When I do good
My boss never remembers
When I do wrong
He never forgets
———————————-

Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, “Someone should go and tell his wife.”

Bill says, “OK, I`m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I`ll do it.” 2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.

Charlie says, “Where did you get that, Bill?” “Steve`s wife gave it to me.”

“That`s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?”

Bill says,”Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, `You must be Steve`s widow.`”

She said, “`No, I`m not a widow.”

And I said, “Wanna bet me a six-pack?”

– That it didn’t matter how late I scheduled my first class; I’d sleep right
through it.
– That I could change so much and barely realize it.
– That college kids throw airplanes too.
– That if you wear polyester everyone will ask you, “Why are you so dressed
up?”
– That every clock on campus shows a different time.
– That if you were smart in high school–so what?
– That I would go to a party the night before a final.
– That Chemistry labs require more time than all my classes put together.
– That you can know everything and fail a test.
– That you can know nothing and ace a test.
– That I could get used to almost anything I found out about my roommate.
– That MOST of my education would be obtained outside of my classes.
– That I would be one of those people my parents warned me about.
– That free food served until 10:00 is gone by 9:50.
– That Sunday is a figment of the world’s imagination.
– That Psychology is really Biology, and that Biology is really Chemistry,
– That Chemistry is really Physics, and Physics is really Math.

There once was a race between a pair of lesbians and a pair of gay men.

Guess who won.

The lesbians. They could do 69 lickity-split, while the men were still at the starting line packing shit.

I thought I would share a transcript of a particularly productive moment in my 9th grade “English” (sic) class:

We watched the end of Zeferelli’s “Romeo & Juliet” today in class. During the scene in which Romeo discovers Juliet, who appears to be dead, lying in the Capulet family crypt, the following discussion occurred:

Julio Baez: Yo, he’s gonna jump on her!
Ms. Young: Julio, nowhere on this planet would that be an appropriate thing to say.
Julio: No, Ms. Young! I think he’s a hermaphrodite!
Ms. Young: Julio, he’s not a hermaphrodite.
Julio: No, Ms. Young! For real! There’s really people who like to have sex with dead people!
Ms. Young: Yes, but they’re not called “hermaphrodites,” they’re called “necrophiliacs.”
Julio: (Aside to Felix) She’s so stupid. (To me) No Ms. Young, necrophiliac is when you have that disease where you can’t stop bleeding.

At least they’re learning something.

10. ta-daaaaaaah!

9. wow, i got soooooooo s*** faced last night! (dr. paul’s preferred line)

8. like, are you gonna scale these?

7. oh, yeah? we’ll, what do you know, anyway?

6. are you ready to rumble?

5. according to the new york post…

4. can i do something for extra credit?

3. now for my next trick…

2. good morning, tiger! (to your advisor)

1. will this take long? i’m double-parked…

one day at school the kids were learning their colors and the teacher said ok i want you to use three colors in a sentence. the first boy goes i sat on the green grass next to the blue lake under the yellow sun the teacher said very good the next boy said i rode the yellow bus sat on the gray seat with my red back pack very good she said and then she turned to the chineese boy who said the telephone go green green i pink it up and say yellow

11. Two meals a day are standard. One for some!12. Recycling becomes synonomous with laundry (“Oh, my jeans can last until Christmas…there’s only a *little* bit of mud on them…”).13. You can never make too many meals in a hot pot (or pizelle maker).14. 10 minutes is more than enough time to get ready for your first class (not that this is anything really new).15. Going to the mailbox was never an ego booster/breaker before.16. It takes more than one person to carry your laundry, books, trash, or alcohol.17. If the lecture hall is big enough, get someone else’s notes.18. You begin to nap again (also not new).19. Your bill in the bookstore will almost equal tuition.20. Isn’t it amazing that the book your professor wrote is always required for his class?

During USC’s commencement, the President was giving his usual address to the graduating class. While he was giving his address, some people in the back began to chant, “Graduate Bubba, graduate Bubba.” After a few minutes, the chant grew so loud that the President could no longer continue with his address. He says, “Alright, I give up. Bubba, come on up here.” This really huge offensive lineman comes up on stage. The President asks, “Are you Bubba?” Bubba replies quietly, “Yes sir.”
“How long have you been here at USC Bubba?”

“Six years sir.”

“Six years and you still haven’t graduated?”

“No sir.”

“Alright Bubba, I’ll tell you what. If you can answer one question correctly, I’ll graduate you right here on the spot. Is that fair?”

Bubba once again says in his quiet voice, “Yes sir.” So the President then asks him, “Ok Bubba, what’s nine times nine?” Bubba quickly gets to work, counting on his fingers and anything else he finds. After nearly five minutes of counting and recounting Bubba finally says, “I got it.” The President then asks, “So Bubba, what’s nine times nine?” “Eighty-one,” replies Bubba. The crowd, in a unanimous roar, begins to chant, “GIVE BUBBA ANOTHER CHANCE, GIVE BUBBA ANOTHER CHANCE.”

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: “Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.”

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.

1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, “That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then 2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.197. When your roommate is about to come home, hide in the closet. Five minutes after he gets home, walk out. If he comments, act as if you don’t know what he’s talking about.

A TEACHER ASKS WHICH PART OF BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST AND A STUDENT REPLIED THAT ITS THE FEET AND HE EXPLAINED THAT ANY AT NIGHTS HE HEARS HIS MOM SCREAMING WITH HER FEET HIGHT SAYING OHH LORD!!! I AM COMING