Category: school

Things You�d Love to Say at Work!

1. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be���..?
2. Do I look like a people person?
3. This isn�t an office. It�s Hell with fluorescent lighting!
4. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
5. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
6. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
7. You!��..Off my planet.
8. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
9. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
10. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
11. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
12. Allow me to introduce my selves.
13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
14. I�m trying to imagine you with a personality.
15. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
16. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven�t fallen asleep yet.
17. Can I trade this job for what�s behind door #1?
18. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
19. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
20. Chaos, Panic, and Disorder ��.. My work here is done.
21. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
22. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.

(1) You’re waking up at 6 am instead of going to bed.

(2) Beers at lunch get you reprimanded.

(3) College sweatshirts are ‘casual’ instead of dress up.

(4) Your parents charge rent.

(5) The four food groups are no longer beer, pizza, pot and cereal.

(6) It’s ‘getting late’ when it’s 10:00 p.m.

(7) Three words: Student Loan Payments.

(8) You make thousands of dollars a year – and still can’t afford that dream Porsche.

(9) You start eyeing the Light Beer Section appreciatively.

(10) Pickup football games mean that at least one person will be in the hospital by game’s end.

(11) Discussions with your friends: THEN: GPA’s, spring break plans, and tonsilhockey; NOW: Mutual funds, interest rates, and wedding plans.

(12) Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

(13) Naps are no longer available between noon and 6 p.m.

(14) Sneakers are now ‘weekend shoes’.

(15) Dinner and a movie – the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

(16) Pregnancy now brings thought of tax deductions instead of coronaries.

(17) Jack and Cokes become Dewars on the Rocks.

(18) The only drugs you take are Tums and Tylenol.

(19) The weak dinger you hit in the intramural softball game is now remembered as a ‘line drive single’ for the League Championship.

(20) You get your news from sources other than USA Today, ESPN Sportscenter, MTV and VH1.

(21) Random hook-ups are no longer socially acceptable.

(22) You wear more ties in a week than you owned up to and including your four(?) years in college.

(23) You find yourself reminiscing fondly of Freshman Physics exams.

(24) You empathize with the characters from “Friends”.

(25) METABOLISM SLOWDOWN

(26) Wine appreciation expands beyond Boone’s, Mad Dog and Thunderbird.

(27) You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

(28) Grocery lists actually contain relatively healthy food.

(29) When drinking, you say at least once per night, “I just can’t put it away like I used to”.

(30) Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work, not video games.

(31) You’re actually willing to pay a bit more to drink in a bar that’s not full of ’21-year-old kids.’

(32) Golf is beginning to seem a lot less silly.

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture” and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee…. “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…”

2. Pilot-“Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land…it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”

3. After landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”

6. From a Southwest Airlines employee…. “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”

8. “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”

9. “As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

10. “Last one off the plane must clean it.”

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry… Unfortunately none of them are on this flight…!

12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

13. Another flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny, mind if I as you a question?” “Why no, Ma’am,” said the pilot, “what is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land or were we shot down?”

15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

16. Part of a Flight Attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at US Airways.”

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.

The brain said, ” I should be Boss because I control the whole body’s responses and functions.”

The feet said, ” We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.”

The hands said, ” We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.”

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.

Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral of the story: You don’t need brains to be a Boss – any asshole will do!

Three men were due to be executed one day – one University of Alabama
graduate, one Florida State graduate and one Auburn University graduate.
The Alabama grad was the first to be brought in front of the firing squad.
Just when they were about to fire, he shouted, “Tornado!” The guards all turned
around, and he escaped by jumping over the wall.
Next in line was the Florida State grad, now confident that he too will be
able to escape. So, just when they were about to fire, he shouted, “Flood!” The
guards turned around and he too managed to escape.
Now it was the turn of the Auburn grad, wondering what disaster he could use
(now that tornado and flood had been used). Finally, just when the guards were
about to shoot, he shouted, “Fire!”

A boy came home from school one day. His father asked him how his day was and the boy said, “Well Dad, I looked stupid because I did not know the difference between potential and reality.”
His dad says, “Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with our next door neighbor for a million dollars.”

He came back with a shocked look on his face and said, “Dad, she said, ‘Yes!”.

“OK son, now go and ask your sister the same question.”

A few minutes later he came back, shocked again. “Dad, she said, ‘Yes!’ also!”

His dad told him, “There you go.”

His son looked at him, puzzled. “Dad I still don’t understand.”

“Look son, POTENTIALLY we are multi-millionaires, but in REALITY we are dead broke and living with a couple of whores.”

How do you measure a Villanova graduate’s I.Q.?
With a tire gauge.

At first I was afraid

Now I�m petrified

That I just can�t keep my GPA

of two point five.

I spent all those stupid nights…

I was just chilling way too long

And that was wrong

But now I know I must be strong

And now they�re back

They�re in my face

I�ve got 3 finals and 2 papers

to be done in just five days!

I should never have gone out

And I should never have partied

�Cause now all this work I have

It�s all piling up on me!

And I must go

to the library oh

To do research on those papers

And study harder than before

It�s hell, I�ll tell you that

and you know it�s not a lie

But I can�t crumble

I can�t lay down and die

Oh no not I!

I will survive!

If I keep a 2 point O

At least I�ll be alive!

I�ve got five more days to live

and I think my brain will give

But I�ll survive!

I will survive!

A Teacher was trying to get her class to pay attention the last few days of school so she came up with a project that her students had to go home and make their parents tell them a story and have a moral to it. The next day all the kids had great stories and then Jimmy raised his hand and the teacher asked him if he had a story and he said you bet”Its about my Aunt Carol,she was a pilot flying over Iraq and she got shot down and all she had was a pistol,a knife and a bottle of wisky! so she quickly drank the bottle of wisky because she figured she fall into a group of Iraqies! So,sure enough she fell into a group of 12 Iraqies,she shot 9 of them with her pistol,2 of them with her knife until it broke and strangled 1 with her bare hands” and asked if it had a moral to it and he said “You bet, don’t mess with my Aunt Carol when she is drinking.”

There was a fantastic and very long total eclipse of the moon last night, best seen in Melbourne and the longest period of totality for the next thousand years. The sky was clear and dry, the weather freezing cold, the stars bright enough to burn, as I watched the brilliant full moon gradually being consumed by the shadow of the earth.I had the telescope out and I watched as the blinding disk slowly darkened and took on the ghostly red color of earthlight. I watched the eerie spectre slowly tracking across the background of the Milky Way, occulting several stars. And right on the limb of the shadow of the earth, just to spoil it all, you could see the shadow of some bastard in South Africa making bunny ears.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.116. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would.