Category: school

One goes “CHOO CHOO” and the other goes “SPIT OUT YOUR GUM!”

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.96. Buy a McDonald’s “Happy Meal” for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.Sandy approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, “Would you like me to be your friend?” The girl hesitated, then said, “Okay,” looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, “Why are you standing here all alone?” “Because,” the little girl said with great exasperation, “I’m the goalie!”

1. H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

2. To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

3. When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

4. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is water and gin.

5. A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

6. Liter: A nest of young puppies.

7. Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

8. Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.

9. Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.

10. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

11. The pistol of the flower is its only protection against insects.

12. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

13. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

14. For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower that the heart until the heart stops.

15. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

16. Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

17. The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

18. Blood flows down one leg and up the the other.

This Italian carpenter goes to a lumberyard, He asks do you have 2x4s. The man says yes we do, How long do you need them? The man says let me ask my boss.The carpenter comes back and says we need them for a long time . We are building a house.

A student comes to a young professor’s office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.”I would do anything to pass this exam.” She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. “I mean…” she whispers, “…I would do…anything.” He returns her gaze. “Anything?” “Anything.” His voice softens. “Anything??” “Absolutely anything.” His voice turns to a whisper. “Would you…study?”

how do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.154. Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your roommate to let you back in. If he/she asks about it, go on a tangent about the importance of good manners.

The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: “Give four advantages of breast milk.”What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best: 1. No need to boil. 2. Cats can’t steal it. 3. Available whenever necessary.Ummm… So far so good… maybe… But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer: 4. Available in attractive containers.

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. “In English,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up, ‘Yeah, right.’

4th RunnerUp
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater’s rate of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.

3rd RunnerUp

Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet. The lack of an alphabet means the Chinese cannot use acronyms; thus, they cannot communicate their ideas at a faster rate.

2nd RunnerUp

The ‘Why Yawning Is Contagious’ Theory: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people’s ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it all out.

1st RunnerUp

If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world’s great literary works in Braille.

HONORABLE MENTION:

The quantity of consonants in the English language is absolutely constant. If consonants are omitted in one geographic area, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian “pahks” his “cah”, the lost r’s migrate southwest, causing a Texan to “warsh” his car and invest in “erl wells.”

THE GRAND PRIZE WINNER:

When a cat is dropped, it ALWAYS lands on its feet; and when toast is dropped, it ALWAYS lands with the buttered side down. Therefore, I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat. When dropped, the two will hover, spinning inches above the ground, probably into eternity. A “buttered-cat array” could replace pneumatic tires on cars and trucks, and “giant buttered-cat arrays” could easily allow a high-speed monorail to link between New York with Chicago.

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become –

Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become –

Polly-Warner-Cracker.

3M and Goodyear merge to become –

MMMGood.

John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become –

Deere Abi.

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become –

Zip Audi Do Da.

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become –

Honey I’m Home.

Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become –

Mine All Mine.

Federal Express and UPS merge to become –

FED UP.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing reproductive organs.

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become – Fairwell Honeychild.

3M, J.C. Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become
–

3 Penney Opera.

Knott’s Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and become

– Knott NOW!