Category: school

The setting is Ohio State University about six or seven years ago in a huge
lecture hall (approximately 1000 students) for a Calculus final. Apparently this
particular calculus teacher wasn’t very well liked. He was one of those guys who
would stand at the front of the class and yell out how much time was remaining
before the end of a test, a real charmer. Since he was so busy galavanting
around the room making sure that nobody cheated and that everyone was aware of
how much time they had left before their failure on the test was complete, he
had the students stack the completed tests on the huge podium at the front of
the room. This made for quite a mess, remember there were 1000 students in the
class. Five minutes turned into ten, ten into twenty, twenty into fourty…
almost an hour after the test was “officially over”, our friend finally put down
his pencil, gathered up his work, and headed to the front of the hall to submit
his final. The whole time, the professor sat at the front of the room, strangely
waiting for the student to complete his exam.
“What do you think you’re doing?” the professor asked as the student stood in
front of him about to put down his exam on one of the neatly stacked piles of
exams (the professor had plenty of time to stack the mountain of papers while he
waited). It was clear that the professor had waited only to give the student a
hard time.

“Turning in my exam,” retorted the student confidently.

“I’m afraid I have some bad news for you,” the profesor gloated, “Your exam is
an hour late. You’ve FAILED it and, consequently, I’ll see you next term when
you repeat my course.”

The student smiled slyly and asked the professor “Do you know who I am?”

“What?” replied the professor grufly, annoyed that the student showed no sign
of emotion.

The student rephrased the question mockingly, “Do you know what my name is?”

“NO”, snarled the professor.

The student looked the professor dead in the eyes and said slowly, “I didn’t
think so”, as he lifted up one of the stacks half way, shoved his test neatly
into the center of the stack, let the stack fall burying his test in the middle,
turned around, and walked casually out of the huge lecture hall.

There once was a queer from Khartoum Who took a lesbian up to his room They argued all night Over who had the right To do what, and with which, and to whom!

A female teacher walked into the class and saw a giant penis realistically
depicted on the black board.
“Who did it?” she asked.
Silence.
“I demand that those who did it admit it!”
Silence.
“The last time, who did it?”
“You won, it was me,” Peter said from the last row.
“Now everybody shall leave the room except for Peter,” the teacher said.
The students walked out. Minute passed. Then five, then ten… After half an
hour, Peter walked out, and, zipping up his fly, said, “The main thing is
advertisement.”

Freshman: Is never in bed past noon.Senior: Is never out of bed before noon.Freshman: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he can cut.Senior: Reads the syllabus to find out what classes he needs to attend.Freshman: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.Senior: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mountain Dew into a recitation class.Freshman: Calls the professor “Teacher.”Senior: Calls the professor “Bob.”Freshman: Would walk ten miles to get to class.Senior: Drives to class if it’s more than three blocks away.Freshman: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.Senior: Memorizes the professor’s habits to get a good grade.Freshman: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.Senior: Knows where the next class is. Usually.Freshman: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.Senior: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand.Freshman: Has to ask where the computer labs are.Senior: Has own personal workstation.Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October… maybe.Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year.Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year.Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midtermSenior: Is proud of not quite failing his Complex Analysis midtermFreshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other nightSenior: Calls Domino’s every other nightFreshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of professorsSenior: Is appalled that the campus ‘Subway’ burned down over the summerFreshman: Conscientiously completes all homework, including optional questionsSenior: Homework? I knew I forgot to do something last nightFreshman: Goes on grocery-shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campusSenior: Has a beer with Mom before moving into group houseFreshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand one’s horizons and really make a contribution to societySenior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry roomFreshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in classSenior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class

Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade-named — BOOK.

BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It’s so easy to use, even a child can operate it. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere — even sitting in an armchair by the fire — yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc.

Here’s how it works: BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now, BOOKS with more information simply use more pages. Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet.

BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it. BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting, though, like other devices, it can become damaged if coffee is spilled on it and it becomes unusable if dropped too many times on a hard surface. The “browse” feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an “index” feature, which pin-points the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional “BOOKmark” accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session — even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOK markers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK.

You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with optional programming tools, Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Styli (PENCILS). Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor of a new entertainment wave. BOOK’s appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and investors are reportedly flocking to invest.

Look for a flood of new titles soon.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
— Homer Simpson

48 Phrases you wish you could say at work!

1. Ahhh…I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again…
2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…
8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.
14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one unde! rstands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
24. You sound reasonable… Time to up the medication.
25. Who me? I just wander from room to room
26. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be…?
27. Do I look like a people person?
28. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
29. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
30. You!… Off my planet!
31. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
32. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
33. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
34. Allow me to introduce my selves.
35. Whatever kind of look you were going ! for, you missed.
36. Well, this day was a total waste of m akeup.
37. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
38. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
39. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
40. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
41. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door 1?
42. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
43. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
44. Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
45. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
46. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
47. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
48. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

One day, Little Susie got her monthly bleeding for the first time in her life. Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.Little Johnny’s eyes opened wide in amazement. “You know,” he said, “I’m not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!”

What has four eyes but can’t see

Mississippi

Professors of different subjects define the same word in different ways:
Prof. of Computer Science:
A kiss is a few bits of love compiled into a byte.
Prof. of Algebra:
A kiss is two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Geometry:
A kiss is the shortest distance between two straight lines.
Prof. of Physics:
A kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Chemistry:
A kiss is the reaction of the interaction between two hearts.
Prof. of Zoology:
A kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary bacteria.
Prof. of Physiology:
A kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicular ors muscles in the state of
contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry:
A kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of Accountancy:
A kiss is a credit because it is profitable when returned.
Prof. of Economics:
A kiss is that thing for which the demand is higher than the supply.
Prof. of Statistics:
A kiss is an event whose probability depends on the vital statistics of
36-24-36.
Prof. of Philosophy:
A kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy for the youth and homage for
the old.
Prof. of English:
A kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction; it is more common than proper;
it is spoken in the plural and it is applicable to all.
Prof. of Engineering:
Uh, What? I’m not familiar with that term.

Once upon a time, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. “Where have you been?”

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look, Michael. Look what I’ve made.” Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, “What is it?” “It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put Life on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.”

“Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. “For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things,” God continued pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”

The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a land area and said, “What’s that one?” “Ah,” said God “That’s Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace.”

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, “What about balance, God? You said there would be balance.”

God smiled, “There is another Washington…wait until you see the idiots I put there.”

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.152. Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, “Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your…Oh, it’s just you.” Take off the hat, sit, and pout.