Category: school

Three immigrants to the U. S. were just mastering the language. One was
telling the others about the difficulty they were having in attempting to start
a family. He said, “I think my wife must be impregnable.” The second said,”
that’s not the right word, she is inconceivable”. To which the third replied,
“You are both wrong she is unbearable.”

Take all the chip bags… open them… lick all the chips of their flavor and put them back in the bag…

hide one of their shoes every day for about a week…

Keep your room real messy for a few weeks. Clean it while your roommate is out. Leave before they come back. Arrive after them and then angrily accuse them of cleaning up your room.

Take all of the hair out of their brush and stick it to the wall with scotch tape.

Insist on cleaning their fingernails for them every night.

Crumple empty chip bags the whole time your roommate is home.

Make a shine dedicated to them.

Whistle one line of a song and repeat it for 3 days, then pick a new line.

Play Scottish music 24 hours a day full blast.

Every night at midnight, stick your head out the window and scream “GO AWAY MONSTERS! GO AWAY!” Do this every night for 6 weeks.

Sniff their underwear while they’re still wearing it.

Buy fish and a fish tank. Dye the water with food coloring. Talk to the fish and giggle often while staring at your roommate.

Tie all your socks up in knots. Hang them from the ceiling. Count them every time you walk in the room.

Every time your roommate walks in the room, shake their hand and smile sweetly. If they refuse, wipe the smile off your face, clench your teeth and growl whenever they walk in the room for the next two weeks.

Watch test patterns.

Collect bottles of colored water on the floor. Refuse to discuss them.

Buy lots of slinkys and hang them from your ceiling while humming “It’s Slinky, it’s Slinky…”

Buy lots of pictures. Hang them up upside down. Stand on your head to look at them.

Tack candy wrappers on your walls.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate’s parents (postage due).

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody’s job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn’t do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

Your Dad is so ugly, last time he felt a breast it was in a bucket of KFC……Extra crispy!!!!!

On a literature lesson the teacher asks the kids to compose some verses.
Vovochka raises his hand:
– I have one. May I use swear words?
– No!
– Ok, then it runs: “Blah blah blah blah blah our math teacher.”

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g.,
“Steady as she goes”, or “She’s listing to starboard, Captain!”). Recently, a
group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be
referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are female:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message “Bad command or file name” is about as informative as, “If
you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you”.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later
retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.

However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that
computers should be referred to as if they were male.

Their reasons follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are male:
1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
are the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a
little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

When the first settlers in the ‘Great White North’ were trying think of a name for their great, white, northern country, they experienced a bit of ‘founders’ block’ and couldn’t come up with anything impressive enough. They cogitated and rubbed their skulls a bit more, and decided on a plan. The founders wrote each letter of the alphabet on a little piece of paper. Next, they dumped them into a hat and scrambled them up. One volunteered to wear a blindfold, dug into the hat and picked out a piece of paper. The fellow then handed it to another, who read it aloud. The meeting transpired like this: ‘C…eh? N…eh? D…eh?’ …and everyone shouted, ‘That’s it!!!, eh?’

Teacher: Why are you late to school?
Kevin: Because of the sign.

Teacher: What sign?

Kevin: The one that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow.”

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors. She asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet, and then cleaned the mirror.

Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

a construction worker was trying to call one of his co-workers but due to the loud noise around he decided to throw a bolt at him. he finally got the attention of his co-worker. he then signaled to come up and help him. awkardly the co-worker starts masturbating. furious the construction worker throws a wrench. finally the co-worker goes up and says,”why you throw the wrench at me I was trying to tell you I was coming!”

The setting is Ohio State University about six or seven years ago in a huge
lecture hall (approximately 1000 students) for a Calculus final. Apparently this
particular calculus teacher wasn’t very well liked. He was one of those guys who
would stand at the front of the class and yell out how much time was remaining
before the end of a test, a real charmer. Since he was so busy galavanting
around the room making sure that nobody cheated and that everyone was aware of
how much time they had left before their failure on the test was complete, he
had the students stack the completed tests on the huge podium at the front of
the room. This made for quite a mess, remember there were 1000 students in the
class. Five minutes turned into ten, ten into twenty, twenty into fourty…
almost an hour after the test was “officially over”, our friend finally put down
his pencil, gathered up his work, and headed to the front of the hall to submit
his final. The whole time, the professor sat at the front of the room, strangely
waiting for the student to complete his exam.
“What do you think you’re doing?” the professor asked as the student stood in
front of him about to put down his exam on one of the neatly stacked piles of
exams (the professor had plenty of time to stack the mountain of papers while he
waited). It was clear that the professor had waited only to give the student a
hard time.

“Turning in my exam,” retorted the student confidently.

“I’m afraid I have some bad news for you,” the profesor gloated, “Your exam is
an hour late. You’ve FAILED it and, consequently, I’ll see you next term when
you repeat my course.”

The student smiled slyly and asked the professor “Do you know who I am?”

“What?” replied the professor grufly, annoyed that the student showed no sign
of emotion.

The student rephrased the question mockingly, “Do you know what my name is?”

“NO”, snarled the professor.

The student looked the professor dead in the eyes and said slowly, “I didn’t
think so”, as he lifted up one of the stacks half way, shoved his test neatly
into the center of the stack, let the stack fall burying his test in the middle,
turned around, and walked casually out of the huge lecture hall.