A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.’Last night, I made love to my wife four times,’ the Frenchman bragged, ‘and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.’ ‘Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,’ the Italian responded, ‘and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man.’ When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, ‘And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?’ ‘Once,’ he replied. ‘Only once?’ the Italian arrogantly snorted. ‘And what did she say to you this morning?’ ‘Don’t stop.’
Category: school
DOLLARS EQUAL TEN CENTS
Theorem: 1$ = 10 cent
Proof:
We know that $1 = 100 cents
Divide both sides by 100
$ 1/100 = 100/100 cents
=> $ 1/100 = 1 cent
Take square root both side
=> squr($1/100) = squr (1 cent)
=> $ 1/10 = 1 cent
Multiply both side by 10
=> $1 = 10 cent
Biological Clocks
A High School class in Florida consisted of a particularly well- motivated
group of juniors. Students felt free to ask questions on any subject that
concerned them. One afternoon a girl raised her hand and asked me to explain all
the talk about a woman’s “biological clock.”
After I’d finished, there was a moment of silence, and then another hand shot
up. “Mrs. Woodard,” a student asked, “is your clock still ticking, or has the
alarm gone off?”
The Five Levels Of Drinking
The 5 Levels of Drinking
Level 1:
It’s 11:00 on a weeknight, you’ve had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have
work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your unemployed
friends. Here at level I you think to yourself, “Oh come on, this is silly. Why, as long as I
get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I’m cool.”
Level 2:
It’s midnight. You’ve had a few more beers. You’ve just spent 20 minutes arguing against
artificial tuff. You get up to leave again, but at level
2, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you’re thinking, “Hey! I’m out with
my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long
as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers), I’m
COOl.”
Level 3:
One in the morning. You’ve abandoned beer for tequila. You’ve just spent 20 minutes
arguing for artificial tuff. And now you’re thinking, “Our waitress is the most beautiful
woman I’ve ever seen!” At level 3, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you
buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get
drinking fantasies (like, “Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together
forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.”) But at level 3, that devil is a little bit
bigger.., and he’s buying. And you’re thinking
“Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep.., and a complete change
of blood (snaps fingers), I’m cool.”
Level 4:
Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of
rum and a Coke. You are artificial tutti. This time on your way to the bathroom, you
punch the stranger at the end of the bar just because you don’t like his face! And now
you’re thinking, “Our busboy is the best looking man I’ve ever seen.” You and your
friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an at, er
hours bar. And here, at level 4, you actually think to yourself, “Well …. as long as I’m
only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well …. stay up all night!!!! Yeah!
That’d be good for me. I don’t mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith
Richards. Yeah, I’ll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get
31 hours sleep tomorrow ………………. cool.
Level 5:
Five in the morning, alter unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo
parlor (“But I don’t even know anybody named Ruby!!!”), you and your friends wind up
across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as that
morning. It’s the kind of place where even the devil is going, “Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta
be in Hell at nine.I’ve got that brunch with Hitler, I can’t miss that.” At this point,
you’re ail drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon
wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, “Someday
I’m gonna marry that girlt!” One of your friends stands up and screams, “We’re drivin’ to
floridaf Y!!!”- and passes out.
You crawl outside for air, and then you hit the worst part of level 5 –
the sun. You weren’t expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out ora bar in
daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and
they know. And they say… “Who’s Ruby?” Let’s be honest, if you’re 19 and you stay up
ail night, it’s like a victory, like you’ve beat the night.., but if you’re over 27, then that sun
is like
God’s flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, “I swear, I will never
do this again (how long?) as long as I live!” And some of us have that
little addition, “and this time, I mean it!”
Little boy learns arithmetic.
A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher
says, “Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick
up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?”
The little boy thinks for a moment and says, “NONE!” The teacher
replies, “None, how do you figure that?” The little boy says, if I
shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on
the fence.” The teacher replies, “Hmm, not exactly, but I do like
the way you think!”
The little boy then says, “Teacher, let me ask you a question.
There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones.
One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is
sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?”
The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally
replies, “Well, I guess the one sucking her cone.”
To which the little boy replies, “Actually, its the one with the
wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!”
T
q.why is an island like the letter t?
a.their both in the middle of wa-t-er.
Burger joint conversations nationwide
M.I.T.: “I had a nervous breakdown this weekend.””Have some fries.”Caltech: “I had three nervous breakdowns this weekend.””Have some fries.”Yale: “I got mugged on the way to class today.””Have some fries.”Brown: “I got a nose ring this weekend, Professor Smith.””Cool! Me too! Have some fries.”Swarthmore: “I got a B.””Anywhere else it would have been an A. Have some fries.”Princeton: “My father took away my Porsche this weekend.””Poor dear. Have some Escargot.”Harvard: “Did you do anything this weekend?””Nope. Have some fries.”Williams: “Don’t I know you?””Of course you do, silly. Have some fries.”Cornell: “I killed my lab partner this weekend.””Bummer. Have some fries.”Columbia: “I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school.””Me too. Let’s go get shot.”Penn: “I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school.””Me too. Let’s transfer to Columbia.”Stanford: “Dude, I have so much work this weekend.””Like, chill out, dude. Have some, like, fries.”Dartmouth: “Oh man, I got so trashed this weekend.””Have some beer.”Tufts: “I wish I were Ivy League.””Here, drink the fry grease.”
The following are only learned from college
21. Labs used to be fun.22. T.A. used to stand for teaching assistant, now, for terribly articulated.23. Squirt guns equal stress relief.24. E-mail becomes your second language.25. Frat parties are exactly like they are in the movies.26. Ten-page papers used to sound impossible, now they’re a Godsend.27. You never realized so many people are smarter than you.28. You never realized so many people are dumber than you.29. Professors are like celebrities: you see them, but they never see you.30. Western Europe could be wiped out by a horrible plague and you’d never know, but you could recite last week’s episode of “Friends” verbatim.
In Communication With The Office
Four major executives from various countries are playing golf together. On the second tee they hear a phone ring.
The Canadian executive reaches into his bag and pulls out a cellular phone. “O.K. buy 100 shares,” the Canadian tells the other person on the phone. Then he looks at the others and says, “I’m such an important person, that I have to make sure my employees can reach me at any time. Therefore I carry a cell phone everywhere.”
On the next tee, they hear the sound of another phone. All of a sudden, the American puts his finger to his mouth and his thumb to his hear and begins talking. When he gets off the line he tells the others, “I’m so important that I had my company install a microphone in my index finger and a speaker in my thumb. That way, I don’t have to worry about carrying a cellular telephone.” The people are very impressed and move on down the fairway.
On the green, they hear another phone ring. The German stands up tall and says, “O.K., sell the company now.” Then he loosens up and tells the others, “I’m so important that I had my company put a microphone in my lip and a speaker in my ear. That way all I need to do is stand up straight to get the signal.”
Everybody is really impressed and they continue playing.
At the next tee they hear another phone. All of a sudden, the Japanese executive runs into the bushes. After a few minutes, the others get worried about him so they go into the bushes to find him.
They find him with his pants around his knees, squatting.
“Oh, we’re sorry,” the American exclaims, somewhat embarassed, “we’ll leave you alone.”
“That’s O.K.”, the Japanese executive says, “I’m just waiting for a fax!”
I see your problem
In some foreign country a Athens State Priest, a University of Alabama Lawyer
and an Auburn Engineer are about to be guillotined. The Priest puts his head on
the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens. He declares that he’s been
saved by divine intervention, so he’s let go.
The Lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn’t release the blade.
He claims he can’t be executed twice for the same crime and he too, is set free.
They grab the Auburn Engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks
up at the release mechanism and says, “Wait a minute, I see your problem…”
Graduation Photo
It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father.
“I want a good picture, so try to make this look natural,” she said. “Junior, put your arm around your dad’s shoulder.”
The father answered, “If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?”
Coke Idiot
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender: “Can I have a hot rag for my nose?”
The bartender says “yes, but why do you need that for your nose?”
The man answers “Well, a couple of seconds ago I tried to sniff coke, but and ice cube got stuck up my nose.”