Category: school

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.’Last night, I made love to my wife four times,’ the Frenchman bragged, ‘and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.’ ‘Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,’ the Italian responded, ‘and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man.’ When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, ‘And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?’ ‘Once,’ he replied. ‘Only once?’ the Italian arrogantly snorted. ‘And what did she say to you this morning?’ ‘Don’t stop.’

Theorem: 1$ = 10 cent
Proof:
We know that $1 = 100 cents
Divide both sides by 100
$ 1/100 = 100/100 cents
=> $ 1/100 = 1 cent
Take square root both side
=> squr($1/100) = squr (1 cent)
=> $ 1/10 = 1 cent
Multiply both side by 10
=> $1 = 10 cent

A High School class in Florida consisted of a particularly well- motivated
group of juniors. Students felt free to ask questions on any subject that
concerned them. One afternoon a girl raised her hand and asked me to explain all
the talk about a woman’s “biological clock.”
After I’d finished, there was a moment of silence, and then another hand shot
up. “Mrs. Woodard,” a student asked, “is your clock still ticking, or has the
alarm gone off?”

The 5 Levels of Drinking

Level 1:

It’s 11:00 on a weeknight, you’ve had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have

work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your unemployed

friends. Here at level I you think to yourself, “Oh come on, this is silly. Why, as long as I

get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I’m cool.”

Level 2:

It’s midnight. You’ve had a few more beers. You’ve just spent 20 minutes arguing against

artificial tuff. You get up to leave again, but at level

2, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you’re thinking, “Hey! I’m out with

my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long

as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers), I’m

COOl.”

Level 3:

One in the morning. You’ve abandoned beer for tequila. You’ve just spent 20 minutes

arguing for artificial tuff. And now you’re thinking, “Our waitress is the most beautiful

woman I’ve ever seen!” At level 3, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you

buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get

drinking fantasies (like, “Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together

forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.”) But at level 3, that devil is a little bit

bigger.., and he’s buying. And you’re thinking

“Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep.., and a complete change

of blood (snaps fingers), I’m cool.”

Level 4:

Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of

rum and a Coke. You are artificial tutti. This time on your way to the bathroom, you

punch the stranger at the end of the bar just because you don’t like his face! And now

you’re thinking, “Our busboy is the best looking man I’ve ever seen.” You and your

friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an at, er

hours bar. And here, at level 4, you actually think to yourself, “Well …. as long as I’m

only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well …. stay up all night!!!! Yeah!

That’d be good for me. I don’t mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith

Richards. Yeah, I’ll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get

31 hours sleep tomorrow ………………. cool.

Level 5:

Five in the morning, alter unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo

parlor (“But I don’t even know anybody named Ruby!!!”), you and your friends wind up

across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as that

morning. It’s the kind of place where even the devil is going, “Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta

be in Hell at nine.I’ve got that brunch with Hitler, I can’t miss that.” At this point,

you’re ail drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon

wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, “Someday

I’m gonna marry that girlt!” One of your friends stands up and screams, “We’re drivin’ to

floridaf Y!!!”- and passes out.

You crawl outside for air, and then you hit the worst part of level 5 –

the sun. You weren’t expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out ora bar in

daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and

they know. And they say… “Who’s Ruby?” Let’s be honest, if you’re 19 and you stay up

ail night, it’s like a victory, like you’ve beat the night.., but if you’re over 27, then that sun

is like

God’s flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, “I swear, I will never

do this again (how long?) as long as I live!” And some of us have that

little addition, “and this time, I mean it!”

A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher
says, “Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick
up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?”

The little boy thinks for a moment and says, “NONE!” The teacher
replies, “None, how do you figure that?” The little boy says, if I
shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on
the fence.” The teacher replies, “Hmm, not exactly, but I do like
the way you think!”

The little boy then says, “Teacher, let me ask you a question.

There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones.
One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is
sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?”

The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally
replies, “Well, I guess the one sucking her cone.”

To which the little boy replies, “Actually, its the one with the
wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!”

q.why is an island like the letter t?

a.their both in the middle of wa-t-er.

M.I.T.: “I had a nervous breakdown this weekend.””Have some fries.”Caltech: “I had three nervous breakdowns this weekend.””Have some fries.”Yale: “I got mugged on the way to class today.””Have some fries.”Brown: “I got a nose ring this weekend, Professor Smith.””Cool! Me too! Have some fries.”Swarthmore: “I got a B.””Anywhere else it would have been an A. Have some fries.”Princeton: “My father took away my Porsche this weekend.””Poor dear. Have some Escargot.”Harvard: “Did you do anything this weekend?””Nope. Have some fries.”Williams: “Don’t I know you?””Of course you do, silly. Have some fries.”Cornell: “I killed my lab partner this weekend.””Bummer. Have some fries.”Columbia: “I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school.””Me too. Let’s go get shot.”Penn: “I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school.””Me too. Let’s transfer to Columbia.”Stanford: “Dude, I have so much work this weekend.””Like, chill out, dude. Have some, like, fries.”Dartmouth: “Oh man, I got so trashed this weekend.””Have some beer.”Tufts: “I wish I were Ivy League.””Here, drink the fry grease.”

Four major executives from various countries are playing golf together. On the second tee they hear a phone ring.

The Canadian executive reaches into his bag and pulls out a cellular phone. “O.K. buy 100 shares,” the Canadian tells the other person on the phone. Then he looks at the others and says, “I’m such an important person, that I have to make sure my employees can reach me at any time. Therefore I carry a cell phone everywhere.”

On the next tee, they hear the sound of another phone. All of a sudden, the American puts his finger to his mouth and his thumb to his hear and begins talking. When he gets off the line he tells the others, “I’m so important that I had my company install a microphone in my index finger and a speaker in my thumb. That way, I don’t have to worry about carrying a cellular telephone.” The people are very impressed and move on down the fairway.

On the green, they hear another phone ring. The German stands up tall and says, “O.K., sell the company now.” Then he loosens up and tells the others, “I’m so important that I had my company put a microphone in my lip and a speaker in my ear. That way all I need to do is stand up straight to get the signal.”

Everybody is really impressed and they continue playing.

At the next tee they hear another phone. All of a sudden, the Japanese executive runs into the bushes. After a few minutes, the others get worried about him so they go into the bushes to find him.

They find him with his pants around his knees, squatting.

“Oh, we’re sorry,” the American exclaims, somewhat embarassed, “we’ll leave you alone.”

“That’s O.K.”, the Japanese executive says, “I’m just waiting for a fax!”

21. Labs used to be fun.22. T.A. used to stand for teaching assistant, now, for terribly articulated.23. Squirt guns equal stress relief.24. E-mail becomes your second language.25. Frat parties are exactly like they are in the movies.26. Ten-page papers used to sound impossible, now they’re a Godsend.27. You never realized so many people are smarter than you.28. You never realized so many people are dumber than you.29. Professors are like celebrities: you see them, but they never see you.30. Western Europe could be wiped out by a horrible plague and you’d never know, but you could recite last week’s episode of “Friends” verbatim.

In some foreign country a Athens State Priest, a University of Alabama Lawyer
and an Auburn Engineer are about to be guillotined. The Priest puts his head on
the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens. He declares that he’s been
saved by divine intervention, so he’s let go.
The Lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn’t release the blade.
He claims he can’t be executed twice for the same crime and he too, is set free.
They grab the Auburn Engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks
up at the release mechanism and says, “Wait a minute, I see your problem…”

It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father.
“I want a good picture, so try to make this look natural,” she said. “Junior, put your arm around your dad’s shoulder.”

The father answered, “If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?”

Fun things to do in a final that does not matter (i.e. you are going to fail the class completely no matter what you get on the final exam)

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say “oh geez, better get cracking” and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming “Andre, Andre, I’ve got the secret documents!!”

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor’s left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, “I’m SOOO sure you can hear me thinking.” Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, “I don’t understand ANY of this. I’ve been to every lecture all semester long! What’s the deal? And who the hell are you? Where’s the regular guy?”

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc…). Play with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say “They’ve found me, I have to leave the country” and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out “Merry Christmas.” If you’re really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet’s Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don’t know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he’s not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out “Fuck this!” and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone’s done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)

26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, “the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!”

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling “I’m here, the phantom of the opera” until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say “you don’t really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!”

32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor’s requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

36. Come in wearing a full knight’s outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious… like history notes for a calculus exam… otherwise you’re not just failing, you’re getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment “Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit.”

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

41. One word: Wrestlemania.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc… Sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say “it helps me think.” Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don’t forget to use the phrase “Told you so”.

50. Answer the exam with the “Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks”