Category: school

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.102. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate’s bed. Insist that you don’t know how they got there.

What’s the difference between a well-brushed equine and rapid teaching?
A well-brushed equine is a curried horse while rapid teaching makes for a
hurried course.

A father, visiting America, from Europe for the very first time, goes up and down the isles with his son at the local Giant Food Store.”Vas diss? Powdered Orange Juice?””Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh ‘orange juice.'” … A few minutes later, in a different aisle … “Und vas dis? Powdered milk?? “”Yeh, Dad. You just add a little water, and you have fresh milk!” … A few minutes later, in a different aisle … “Und give a look here! Baby Powder! Vat a country, vat a country!”

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.76. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you leave.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.25. Cover up your mouht before talking to anyone.

SPRING 1998

SELF IMPROVEMENT

1100 Creative Suffering

1101 Overcoming Peace of Mind

1102 You & Your Birthmark

1103 Guilt Without Sex

1104 The Primal Shrug

1105 Ego Gratification Through Violence

1106 Moulding Your Child’s Behaviour Through Fear

1107 Dealing With Post-Realisation Depression

1108 Whine Your Way to Alienation

1109 How to Overcome Self-Doubt Through Pretence & Ostentation

1110 Body Language for Epileptics

1111 Catholics Women’s Guide to Orgasm

BUSINESS & CAREER

0001 I Made $100 in Real Estate

0002 Money Can Make You Rich

0003 Packaging & Selling Your Child

0004 Career Opportunities In El Salvador

0005 How to Profit from Your Own Body

0006 The Under-Achievers Guide to Very Small Business

0007 Tax Shelters for the Indigent

0008 Looter’s Guide to European Cities

0009 How to Land a Job in Algeria

1001 Methods of Blackmail

HOME ECONOMICS

401 Cultivating Viruses in Your Refrigerator

402 Burglar-Proof Your Home with Concrete

403 Sinus Drainage at Home

404 Basic Kitchen Taxidermy

405 Teach Your Goldfish Buddhism

406 Christianity and the art of TV Maintenance

407 How to Convert a Wheelchair into a Dune Buggy

HEALTH & FITNESS

1202 Creative Tooth Decay

1203 Exercise & Acne

1204 The Joys of Hypochondria

1205 High Fibre Sex

1206 Suicide & Your Health

1207 Skate Your Way to Regularity

1208 Biofeed & How to Stop

1209 Understanding Nudity

1210 Tap Dance Your Way to Ridicule

1211 Optional Body Functions

1212 Leprosy & Pole Vaulting- How to Avoid it

1213 Elective Surgery in the Home

1214 Over 26 – How to Tell an Orgasm from a Heart Attack

CRAFTS

1011 Self Actualisation Through Macrame

1012 How to Draw Genitalia

1013 Weaving With Body Hair

1014 Cancelled

1015 Gifts for the Senile

1016 Bonsai Your Pet

1017 Rearranging Your Hate

1018 Masochism for the Over 40’s

1019 Post-Coital Rug Making

1020 Creative Nail Clipping Arrangements

RELIGION

6660 Ritual Cookie Sacrifices

6661 Moonie Burial Rites

6662 Just Say Noah

6663 Matzoth Baking Without Perforations

6664 Advanced Hell Fire Fighting

6665 Rap & Heavy Metal Hymns

6667 Condensed Bible Study

6668 Satan and Satin

6669 —Over Subscribed —

why were the bakers buns browne?
Because he needed a pooh and there was no toilet paper left!!

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.

8. If at first I don’t succeed, there is always next year.

9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.

12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.

13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator’s Society) if they ever get it organized.

The student – not necessarily a well-prepared student – sat in his life
science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question
directed: “Give four advantages of breast milk.”
What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head,
hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can’t steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.
Um. So far so good – maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again,
what to write?
Once more he sighed. He frowned. He scowled. Then sighed again. But suddenly,
he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly he scribbled his definitive
answer:
4. Available in attractive containers.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.95. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, “It’s spreading, it’s spreading.”

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.179. Walk into walls.

Q: How many Duke students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three – one to change the bulb, and two to crack under the pressure.