Category: school

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl’s junior college, said during class, ”Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.”Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, ”Mr. Perkins, I don’t think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this.” With that she sat down red-faced.Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, ”The pupil of the eye, in dim light.””Correct,” said Mr. Perkins. ”And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment.”

A student at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical “dihydrogen monoxide.”
And for plenty of good reasons, since:

1. it can cause excessive sweating and vomiting 2. it is a major component in acid rain 3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state 4. accidental inhalation can kill you 5. it contributes to erosion 6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes 7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.

Forty-three (43) said yes, Six (6) were undecided, and only one (1) knew that the chemical was water.

The title of his prize winning project was, “How Gullible Are We?”

He feels the conclusion is obvious.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.58. Play blackjack with yourself and scream loudly about your losses when you bust.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.193. Arrange your pillows and blankets every night to make it look like you are asleep. Do this for three weeks. Buy a cantalope and a knife. Stick the knife in the cantalope. Lay it on the pillow where your head should be.

*** These are actual excuse notes teachers have received, spelling mistakes included. ***

My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

While the U.S. stock market was at an all time high, the ups and downs frightened a lot of small investors.

A guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and ask if he were worried.

He replied that he slept like a baby.

He was amazed and asked, “Really? Even with all the fluctuations?”

He said “Yes, that’s right. Just like a baby…I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours!”

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn’t be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example…

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la.
Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means “bite the wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed with wax” depending on the dialect. Coke then
researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, “ko-kou-ko-le,” which can be loosely translated as “happiness in the mouth.”

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan “Come alive with the Pepsi Generation” came out as “Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead.”

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan “finger-lickin’ good” came out as “eat your fingers off.”

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, “Salem – Feeling Free,” got translated in the Japanese market into “When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty.”

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that “no va” means “it won’t go.” After the company figured out why it wasn’t selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

Ford had a similar problem in Brazil when the Pinto flopped. The company found out that Pinto was Brazilian slang for “tiny male genitals”. Ford pried all the nameplates off and substituted Corcel, which means horse.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” However, the company’s mistakenly thought the spanish word “embarazar” meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that “It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.”

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of the desired “I Saw the Pope” in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed “I Saw the Potato.”

Chicken-man Frank Perdue’s slogan, “It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken,” got terribly mangled in another Spanish translation. A photo of Perdue with one of his birds appeared on billboards all over Mexico with a caption that explained “It takes a hard man to make a chicken aroused.”

Hunt-Wesson introduced its Big John products in French Canada as Gros Jos before finding out that the phrase, in slang, means “big breasts.” In this case, however, the name problem did not have a noticeable effect on sales.

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno mag.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Japan’s second-largest tourist agency was mystified when it entered English-speaking markets and began receiving requests for unusual sex tours. Upon finding out why, the owners of Kinki Nippon Tourist Company changed its name.

and finally…

In an effort to boost orange juice sales in predominantly continental breakfast eating England, a campaign was devised to extoll the drink’s eye-opening, pick-me-up qualities. Hence, the slogan, “Orange juice. It gets your pecker up.”

By the way, these are all true!

what do u call a underwater spy?

bubble 007

To make things easier for all of us, please notice this Important Notice About Notices…

You may have noticed the increased number of notices for you to notice. We notice that some of our notices have been noticed. On the other hand, some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable. It is noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticeable. This notice is to remind you to notice the notices and respond to the Notices because we do not want the noticed to go unnoticed.

Osama bin Laden finally gets his due when a one-ton tomahawk

missile lands

on his tent one day. He immediately goes to

hell, where the devil is waiting

for him.

“I don’t know what to do here,” says the devil. “You are on

my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to

stay here,

so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do: I’ve got a

couple of people here

who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll

let one of them go, but you have

to take their place. I’ll

even let YOU decide who leaves.”

Osama bin

Laden thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil

opened the first room.

In it was Manuel Noriega and a large pool of water. He kept

diving in and

surfacing empty-handed. Over and over and over.

Such was his fate in hell.

“No,” said Osama bin Laden, “I don’t think so. I’m not a good

swimmer and

I don’t think I could do that all day long.”

The devil led him to the

next room. In it was the Ayatollah

Khomeini with a sledge-hammer and a

room full of rocks. All

he did was swing that hammer, time after time after

time.

“No, I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in

constant

agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,”

commented Osama bin Laden.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Osama bin Laden saw Bill

Clinton,

lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head,

and his legs staked

in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was

Monica Lewinsky, doing what she

does best. Osama bin Laden

looked in disbelief and finally said, “Yeah,

I can handle

this.”

The devil smiled and said, “OK, Monica, you’re free

to go.”

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Needless to say, he had no trouble with discipline *that* term.

In the school at the beginning of the semester the teacher asks the kids their
names. When it’s Vovochka’s turn, he stands up and says:
– I’m so embarassed… To tell you my last name… It’s like something you put
in your mouth very often…
– Dickie?
– No, Spooner!