Category: school

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband’s best
friend. They … for hours, and afterwards, while they’re just laying there,
the phone rings. Since it is the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver. Her
lover looksover at her and listens, only hearing her side of the
conversation…
(She is speaking in a cheery voice)”Hello? Oh, hi. I’m so glad that you
called. Really? That’s wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds
terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.”
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, “Who was that?”
“Oh” she replies, “that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time
he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”

Here is the report on our SCIENTIFIC CORRECTNESS SURVEY. The question was:

Is faster-than-light travel possible?

This survey drew an onslaught of opinions.

The vote was a landslide (72%) for the YES side. Thus, another controversy is put to rest. Henceforth, it will be scientifically correct to believe that faster-than-light travel is possible.

Opinions ranged from positive to negative, and from simple (“Yes”) to hideously complex. While the results are interesting, the variety of methods used to obtain them is dazzling.
* * *
Some readers used fuzzy logic:
I have never really believed that light actually goes at the speed of light. Have we any proof? I worked out that it should go at root two times the speed of light (c) making the constant itself irrelevant.
–Graeme Winter
* * *
Other readers used higher-level fuzzy logic:
This is an interesting question, coincidentally I was driving through a Minnesota blizzard last week when my wife told me to slow down because I was ‘over driving my headlights.’ I was so excited I almost spilled my coffee because I thought that she meant I was traveling faster than the speed of light, but then I realized that she meant that because of the poor conditions, the stopping distance for my car was greater than my visibility.
–Don Berryman
* * *
One reader used tangential logic:
Since light has yet to dawn on school boards here in Texas, we are unable to answer this question.
–Julia Frugoli
* * *
Some took a theoretical bent:

Yes, but no matter what the destination, you always arrive at night.
–Dick Baker

My fraternity brother Charles Jones (MIT ’63) created a faster- than-light vehicle in 1960. A beam of light is reflected in a mirror. Approaching the mirror, the light’s velocity is (+)c. After reflection it is -c. Ergo at the instant of reflection, its velocity is 0. When the vehicle passes the mirror, it goes faster than light.
–A. D. Snider
* * *
Others relied on advanced theories:

Faster than light travel IS possible but only if you are facing backwards.
–Charles Belair

It depends on how fast the light is going.
–Michael Castleman
* * *
Some readers cited empirical evidence:

Of course. It is demonstrated every week in “Star Trek: The Next Generation”. They also demonstrate crystal power, telepathy, reversal of the polarity of neutron fluxes in starboard power couplings, and other facets of modern science.
–Stephen Trier

No. No no no no no no. Most people think Star Trek has solved the problem of faster-than-light travel. I am much more fascinated by Star Trek’s solution to the sound-in-a-vacuum problem.
–Karen Lingel

“Yes!” E-mail uses delivery through electrical circuits, therefore traveling at the speed of light (one of the reasons for its popularity over the historically traditional US Postal “Service”). America OnLine uses these same electrical circuits. It is well known that almost anything travels faster than AOL these days.
–G. Borochoff
* * *
Not everyone relied on intellectual arguments. Two readers, Charlie Cerf and Peter Thorp, sent in variants of the same classical argument:
There was a young lady called Bright
who could travel much faster than light.
She departed one day
in a relative way
and returned on the previous night
* * *
Practical experience, too, was useful in solving the question:

Of course faster-than-light travel is possible. However, the probability that your luggage will wind up at the wrong destination increases as the cube of the velocity.
–Bob O’Hara

Yes. Faster than light travel is possible and can be readily demonstrated by making the mistake of having two dates show up at your place at the same time. I’ve done this and witnessed first hand the flight, which happens so fast that you can’t see it.
–P. Hughes

Yes, but tickets must be purchased at least three weeks in advance and a Saturday night stay is required.
–Kristina Pawlikowski

After my cat decided it was play time at AM, he was forcefully accelerated from the bed. Quickly, his velocity reached the of light resulting in a mid-air white hot flash of spontaneous combustion (matter to energy.) Conversely, all internal energies (neuroelectrical, biochemical, etc.) were converted to matter. A strange ash covered the room, very similar to scoopable litter. The other possibility is that he landed on my camera equipment and has been hiding ever since.
–Don Copeland
* * *
Finally, one response defied categorization: Of course, as a physics teacher I tell my students that faster- than-light travel is impossible, but that’s just to crush their spirits.
–LaNelle Ohlhausen

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me?
I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The woman below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.
“I am,” replied the woman. “How did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”

The woman below responded, “You must be in management.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems.

The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault!”

A curious fellow died one day and was waiting in a long, long line for judgment. He noticed that some people, after they went through the line, were able to go through heaven’s gates. Others were lining up behind satan who was throwing most of them into the eternal fires of hell. Every once in while, though, instead of tossing a poor soul into the fire, he would toss him/her to one side. After watching for hours, the fellow could not resist. He gave up his place in line and went over and tapped satan on the shoulder. ‘Excuse me, sir,’ he said. ‘I’m supposed to be in line for judgment (didn’t want satan to mistake him for someone who had already been condemned to hell) but I couldn’t help but wonder why some of these people are being tossed aside instead of into the fires of hell?’ ‘Oh,’ satan said with a snicker. ‘Those are Oregonians. They’re too wet to burn.’

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.161. Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about an hour. Look around nervously for the rest of the day.

There were 3 boys at school, named zip, willy and pee. They were being very naughty in class and the teacher was getting annoyed so she seperated them, she said…….. Zip down, Willy out, Pee in the corner.

Vovochka got angry at his female teacher and told her to jerk off. She pissed
off at him and went to the director of the school. He calls Vovochka to his
office:
– Did you tell Maria Ivanovna to jerk off?
– Kiss my !
– What’s your father’s office phone number?
Vovochka gives him the number and the director dials it.
– The President’s administration. Speak.
He hangs up and calls the teacher:
– You go wanking and I’ll have to do some butt-licking…

TEACHER:jonny i want you to say a sentance with the word geomatry in it.
JONNY:a little acorn grew and grew until it woke up and said gee-om-a-tree

Introductory Chemistry was taught at Duke University for many years by professor Bonk. One year, two guys took the class and did pretty well on all the quizzes and mid-terms–so much so that going into the final, they each had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, despite the Chemistry final being on Monday, they decided to go to the Uuniversity of Virginina to party with some friends.They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and tiredness, they overslept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found professor Bonk after the final and explained to him how they missed the final. They told him they went up to the University of Virgina for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but they had a flat tire on the way back and didn’t have a spare. They couldn’t fix it for a long time and were late getting back to campus.Bonk thought this over and agreed that they could take the final the following day. The two guys, elated and relieved, studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet. He told them to begin.They looked at the first problem which was something simple about molarity and solutions; it was worth 5 points. “Cool,” they thought, “this is going to be an easy final”. They then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on it. The question contained only two words: (95 points) Which tire?

Network TV is reported to be developing a “Texas version” of “Survivor,” the recent popular TV show.

Contestants must travel from Amarillo through Fort Worth, Dallas, Houston, San Antonio and back to Amarillo, through San Marcos and Lubbock. Each will be driving a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads: “I’m for Gore, I’m gay, and I’m here to take your guns.”

The first contestant to complete the round trip is the winner

Tad answered the Tennessee State frat house phone.

“Hi,” said the voice, “this is Rollie. Come on over, we’re having a real
wildass party.”

“S***, Ah’d shore love to,” said Tad, “but Ah got me a bad case of gonorrhea.”

“Bring it along!” answered Rollie. “The way thangs is goin’, mah buddies’ll
drink anythin’!”

Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio’s face, and moaning, “Lie to me!”