Category: school

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.174. Constantly slip and fall–on your carpet.

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would
like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on

The Reply:
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an
hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task,
and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad

* The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning – cold.
* The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a
large font.
* New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.
* Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t cafeteria food.
* Paul’s letter to the Romans becomes Paul’s e-mail to [email protected].
* Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
* The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.
* Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes.
* Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn’t
want to ask directions and look like Freshmen.
* Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he
would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an
all-nighter.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.43. Put horse radish in your roommate’s shoes.

An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. ”Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?” demanded the Grand Emir. ”A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One,” stammered the wretched Abdul, ”white man sit on well.”

16> Well, that explains where Billy’s classroom incontinence comes from.15> I understand that your religious beliefs prohibit math class?14> It seems Lindsey has taken a real shine to her role as head mascot of the Mayfield High Swallows.13> Joey seems to be having a little trouble with fractions. Also, he shoots people.12> Steven’s in-class conduct has been good… but in the bathroom, dude’s always bogarting the shibby.11> They are *not* required to pledge allegiance to Beelzebub!10> Wow! Bobby’s parents DO walk upright! Looks like I owe the principal twenty bucks.9> Your child consistently pushes the ‘shock’ lever instead of the ‘food pellet’ lever.8> Your daughter Frances has been pulling up her blouse in front of the boys for lunch money. Any idea where she picked this up, Ms. Love?7> You need to explain to your child that it is inappropriate to go through the halls firing the teachers, Mr. Trump.6> The other kids all agree — he *is* ugly and you *do* dress him funny.5> Oh, I wouldn’t worry, Mr. and Mrs. Johnson. It’s highly unlikely that Billy will *actually* kill you at midnight tonight with the turkey-carving knife that has been mysteriously missing since the cat disappeared.4> I want to discuss Jimmy’s reflexive flinching every time I raise my hand.3> Generally, your son is a good kid. And if it weren’t for all the damning the other children to an eternity of suffering, anguish and torture in hell, I’d probably pass him.2> Have you considered home-schooling? No? *Would* you consider home-schooling? Please?1> This is one child we’re leaving behind. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest. These are great:

As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You… Mess It Up.

Better Be Safe Than… Punch A 5th Grader.

Strike While The… Bug Is Close.

It’s Always Darkest Before… Daylight Savings Time.

Never Under Estimate The Power Of… Termites.

You Can Lead A Horse To Water But.. How?

Don’t Bite The Hand That… Looks Dirty.

No News Is… Impossible.

A Miss Is As Good As A… Mr.

You Can’t Teach An Old Dog New… Math.

If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You’ll… Stink In The Morning.

Love All, Trust.. Me

The Pen Is Mightier Than The… Pigs.

An Idle Mind Is… The Best Way To Relax.

Where There’s Smoke, There’s… Pollution.

Happy The Bride Who… Gets All The Presents!

A Penny Saved Is… Not Much.

Two’s Company, Three’s… The Musketeers.

Don’t Put Off Tomorrow What… You Put On To Go To Bed.

Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And… You Have To Blow Your Nose.

None Are So Blind As… Helen Keller.

Children Should Be Seen And Not… Spanked Or Grounded.

If At First You Don’t Succeed… Get New Batteries.

You Get Out Of Something What You… See Pictured On The Box.

When The Blind Leadeth The Blind… Get Out Of The Way.

There Is No Fool Like… Aunt Eddie.

The aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges were attending their first
class on emotional extremes.
“Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor, to the student from
the University of Houston, “What is the opposite of joy?”

“Sadness,” said the student.

“And the opposite of depression?” he asked of the young lady from Rice.

“Elation,” said she.

“And you sir,” he said to the young man from Texas A&M, “How about the
opposite of woe?”

The Aggie replied, “Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up.”

“ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION”:
You’ll be making under $6 an hour.
– – – – –
“ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY”:
You’re paid under $6 an hour; we’ll be bankrupt in a year.
– – – – –
“AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY”:
There’s no chance in hell we’ll be the next Microsoft.
– – – – –
“PROFIT-SHARING PLAN”:
Once it’s shared among the brass, you get what’s left.
– – – – –
“COMPETITIVE SALARY:”
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
– – – – –
“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:”
We have no time to train you. (and/or)
Please introduce yourself to your co-workers.
– – – – –
“NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:”
Inc. Magazine mentioned us in an article a few years ago.
– – – – –
“IMMEDIATE OPENING:”
The person who had this job gave notice a month ago.
We’re just now running the ad.
– – – – –
“SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:”
We’re can’t supply you with leads; (and/or)
there’s no base salary to speak of; (and/or)
you’ll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
– – – – –
“SELF-MOTIVATED:”
Don’t expect Management to answer questions
– – – – –
“WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS:”
After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $35 co-pay.

a kid raises his hand to go to the bathroom the teacher says recite the ABCs before going to the bathroom so he says a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z the teacher then asks wheres the p so the boy replies in my pants

After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word
through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop
decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the
belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing while several applicants demonstrated their skills, he
decided to call it a day. Just then a lone, armless man approached him and
announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job.

The bishop was incredulous. “You have no arms!”

“No matter,” said the man, “observe!” He then began striking the bells with
his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.

The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a
suitable replacement for Quasimodo.Suddenly, while rushing forward to strike a
bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to
his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop immediately rushed down the stairways.When he reached the
street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful
music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the
bishop through, one of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?”

“I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied, “but his face rings a
bell.”

Kids enter the classroom and greet the female teacher. Only Vova walks in
without greetings, and takes his seat silently. The teacher says, “Why do you
behave in such a rude way? Get out and walk in again, and do it as your father
does when he comes home.”
Vova walks out, and in a minute he storms back in, slams the door, and shouts,
“What,dogs didn’t expect me?”