Category: school

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.57. Take your roommate’s pillow and put a water ballon inside of it.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.137. Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus. If your roommate protests, say, “The people have a right to know!”

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.78. Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.199. Come home at three in the morning wearing shredded jeans and no shirt. Dive into the room and under your bed. Tell your roommate that you were being held captive by ten foot soldiers in full battle array.

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: “Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face.” “Yes, sir,” the boys said. “Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?” A little fellow shouted, “‘It’s because yer feet ain’t empty.”

A professor at the University is giving a seminar on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks them, “How many folk here believe in
ghosts?”
About 80 students raise their hands. “That’s a good start,” says the
professor, “For those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever
seen a ghost?”
About 40 students raise their hands.
“That’s really good,” continues the professor, “I’m really glad you take this
seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”
15 students raise their hands.
“That’s a great response,” remarks the impressed professor, “has anyone here
ever touched a ghost?”
3 students raise their hands.
“Brilliant. But let me ask you one question further…
Have any of you ever been intimate with a ghost?”
One of his students from a Redneck state raises his hand.
The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and
says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed
that.
You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.” The
redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.
The professor asks, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have made love to a
ghost.”
The student replies, “Ghost?!? Dang it!… I thought you said ‘goats.’

15> Baked casserole? Yep.
Baked lasagna? Yep.
Baked students? You betcha.

14> The asparagus cuts and the cabbage appear to have mated and are raising a family of brussels sprouts right on your plate.

13> Billy’s haiku sounds suspiciously like the lyrics to “Truckin’.”

12> Orange: swapped for an apple.
Brownie: swapped for a portable CD player.

11> Three fifth-graders just knocked over the Frito Lay delivery truck.

10> For the first time ever in lunch room history, kids are going back for seconds of Tuesday’s Mystery Meat ‘n’ Succotash Surprise.

9> “Miss Johnson? Kenny Schuster’s bogarting the swing, man!”

8> The kindergarteners have dumped Barney and Raffi in favor of Zeppelin and Floyd.

7> With every bite of food you take, the cafeteria lady, homely Mrs. Grabosky, becomes more of a MILF.

6> The janitor has forsaken his mop, preferring to lick up all spills.

5> The school mascot has changed from a tiger to a bag of Doritos.

4> Kids spend their recess lying on the grass pointing out clouds that look like dead celebrities.

3> You finally put a jacket over your lunchbox, after spending 45 minutes trying in vain to find an angle where the Incredible Hulk isn’t staring directly at you.

2> Little Joey Stevens is eating crayons again — 1,631 of ’em since lunch.

1> You are served by a scowling, hair-net-wearing Courtney Love, who is working off her court-ordered community service.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

18> Three Words: Sigma Alpha Macarena.

17> Nobody joins in your armpit rendition of “Louie, Louie.”

16> Each meeting turns into an argument between the two of you
about who gets to be president and who gets to be vice
president.

15> Every spring break: a bitchin’ road trip to the Nixon
Library.

14> You’re the ONLY minority to pledge Kappa Kappa Kappa.

13> A bunch of college guys sitting around knitting and
reading romance novels is just too damn weird.

12> Assembly room features a runway and posters of Dennis Rodman
in drag.

11> The secret handshake involves removing your pants.

10> Pledge week started with a shaved head and toga party,
but now you’re selling flowers at the airport.

 9> “Republican Convention?!?  ROOOOAD
TRIIIIP!”

 8> “Tropical Nights” party is authentic right down to
the malaria epidemic.

 7> Initiation involves flying a crop duster over the
White House.

 6> Every time someone yells “Biff! Muffy’s on the
phone!” the whole damn house comes running.

 5> Every Monday night is “Melrose
Place”/self-breast-exam night.

 4> In EVERY room, at EVERY function, out of EVERY
speaker:  John Tesh

 3> Their idea of a wild party: slam out a few pages of
code, then memorize “Star Trek” dialogue.

 2> Their good looks, fabulous wealth, and popularity
are sure signs that they’re gonna get their comeuppance in a
big, humiliating way by a ragtag group of misfits at
homecoming.

1> “Smegma” may sound like a letter in the Greek
alphabet, but it’s not.

            
[   The Top 5
List     
www.topfive.com   ]             
[   Copyright 1996, 2005 by Chris
White   ]

Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around him.

Maria Ivanovna the teacher came to the class wearing a dress with a deep cut
on her chest, and there hung an airplane-shaped silver pendant. Misha stared at
the teacher throughout the class hour. The bell rang, and Maria Ivanovna asked,
“What, Misha, do you like the airplane?”
“No, the landing strip.”

If you get caught sleeping on the job, here’s some quick excuses!

It’s okay…I’m still billing the client.

“They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”

This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time-management course you sent me to.

I was working smarter, not harder.

“Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper”

“I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”

This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people !

I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance

I’m in the management training program

Actually doing a “Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan” (SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.

This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamt about work!

“I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?”

Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

The coffee machine is broke….

Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.

Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!

It worked well for Reagan, didn’t it?

I was cross-training for telecommuting.

Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!

Wasn’t sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.

The mailman flipped out and took out a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.

I thought you(boss) were gone for the day.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.71. Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can’t answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don’t trust your ceiling.