Category: school

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.180. Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, “I’m melting, I’m melting!”

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds over each bird and only the legs showing.He sat right in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each set of bird legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, and identifying characteristic.The student looked at each set of bird legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying, and now he had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it, the madder he got.Finally, he couldn’t stand it anymore. He went to the professor’s desk and said “What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?” With that the student threw his test on the professor’s desk and walked out the door.The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn’t know every student’s name, so as the student reached the door, the professor called out “One moment, son, what’s your name?”The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said “You guess buddy! You guess!” submitted by: Lisa

Gross pay: $
1222.02

Income Tax
244.40 Outgo Tax
45.21 State Tax
61.10 Interstate Tax
5.89 County Tax
6.11 City Tax
12.22 Rual Tax
4.44 Back Tax
1.11 Front Tax
1.16 Side tax
1.61 Up Tax
2.22 Down Tax
1.11 Knickknack Tax
1.98 Hackensack Tax
3.93 Thumbtax
0.98 Carpet Tax
0.69 Snack Tax
8.32 Surtax
3.46 Ma’am Tax
3.46 Parking Fee
5.00 No Parking Fee
10.00 F.I.C.A.
81.88 T.G.I.F
9.95 Life Ins.
5.85 Health Ins.
16.23 Disability Ins.
2.50 Ability Ins.
0.25 Liability Ins.
3.41 Dental Ins.
4.50 Mental Ins.
4.33 Fundamental Ins.
0.11 Coffee
6.85 Coffee Cups
66.51 Calendar Rental
3.06 Floor Rental
16.85 Chair Rental
4.32 Desk Rental
4.32 Union Dues
5.85 Union Don’ts
3.77 Cash Advances
0.69 Cash Retreats
121.35 Overtime
1.26 Undertime
54.83 Eastern Time
9.00 Central Time
8.00 Mountain Time
7.00 Pacific Time
6.00 Daylight Savings Time.
4.44 Time Out
12.21 Oxygen
10.22 Water
16.54 Electricity
38.23 Heat
51.42 Air Conditioning
46.83 Misc.
169.24 Total Take Home Pay = $
0000.02

This is where the expression “just my 2 cents” came from.

21. If your social life consists of a date with the library

Why do University of Arkansas graduates tape their diplomas to the windshields
of their cars?
So they can park in handicapped spaces.

So you want a day off. Let’s take a look at what you are asking for.

There are 365 days per year available for work.

There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days,leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.

We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I’ll be damned if you are going to take that day off!

This is a collection of actual student bloopers collected by teachers from 8th grade through college.

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, “Am I my brother’s son?”

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”

Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.

Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted, “hurrah.”

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.

Q: What’s the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it’s a shame to pull it out.

“Sex education has its own special problems,” an instructor in the field pointed out to me.

“One of my students has become pregnant, and I don’t know whether to flunk her or give her extra credit.”

MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.

Did you hear about the UCLA track star who won a gold medal?
He was so proud of it that he had it bronzed.

Wouldn’t it be nice to tell the Dean of your college what you REALLY think
about him/her? Well, if you like your Dean as much as I like my Dean, then you’d
better keep your mouth shut. I knew I’d get kicked out of the college if I
expressed my true feelings, so I remained silent for the last four years.
But yesterday was my graduation. And as I walked across the stage, the Dean
handed my diploma to me (nicely scrolled and tied with a ribbon).
Once she handed it to me, I could finally tell that what I REALLY thought
about her. So I leaned across her podium and I looked her straight in the eye.
“Hey ,” I said. “You’re so damn ugly, you could practice birth control just by
leaving the lights on!”
And then I walked off the stage, and went home. I gotta tell you that it felt
just as good as I had imagined it would for the last four years.
Today, I unwrapped my diploma, framed it, and hung it in the living room,
where it proudly exclaims to the world: “In order to receive your diploma,
please present this certificate to the Dean of your college after final grades
have been posted!”