Category: school

Eating with Children

A guy hosted a dinner party for people from work, including his boss.

All during the sit-down dinner, the host’s three-year-old girl stared at her father’s boss sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.

The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but, finally it was too much for him.

He asked her, “Why are you staring at me?”

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.

The little girl said, “My Daddy said you drink like a fish and I don’t want to miss it!”

Freshmen: Are never in bed past noon.
Seniors: Are never out of bed before noon.
Freshmen: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they can cut.
Seniors: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they need to attend.

Freshmen: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Seniors: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mtn. Dew into a recitation class.

Freshmen: Calls the professor “Professor.”
Seniors: Calls the professor “Bob.”

Freshmen: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Seniors: Drives to class if it’s further than three blocks away.

Freshmen: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Seniors: Memorizes the professor’s habits to get a good grade.

Freshmen: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.
Seniors: Knows where the next class is. Maybe…

Freshmen: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Seniors: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand.

Freshmen: Have to ask where the computer labs are.
Seniors: Has ‘own’ personal workstation.

Freshmen: Use the campus buses to go everywhere.
Seniors: Use the campus buses to run block while crossing the street.

Freshmen: Worry about the last freshman composition essay.
Seniors: Worry about the last GRE essay.

Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.
Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October… maybe.

Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year
Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year

Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm
Senior: Is proud of not _quite_ failing his Complex Analysis midterm

Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night
Senior: Calls Domino’s every other night

Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of profs
Senior: Is appalled that the campus ‘Subway’ burned down over the summer

Freshman: Conscienciously completes all homework, including optional questions
Senior: Offers to ‘tutor’ conscientious frosh of opposite sex…

Freshman: Goes on grocery shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus
Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving onto campus

Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand one’s horizons and really make a contribution to society
Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room

Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class
Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class

When filling out your driver’s license application you give your IP address.

You no longer ask a prospective date what her sign is. Instead your line is “Hi, what’s your URL?”

Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.

You’re amazed to find out Spam is a food.

You “ping” people to see if they’re awake, “finger” them to find out how they are, and “AYT” them to make sure they’re listening to you.

You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.

You introduce your wife as “my [email protected]” and refer to your children as “client applications.”

At social functions you introduce your husband as “my domain server.”

After winning the office Super Bowl, pool you blurt out, “I feel so Colon-Right-Parenthesis!”

Two words: “Pizza’s here

Vovochka comes home and says he blew up a flask in his chemistry lab at
school. Next evening he says he blew up a chair under his teacher. Next evening
he handles his father a note asking him to visit the school. Farther says he
doesn’t give a damn.
– You are right, dad, what can you do with a pile of rubble like that.

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny Bobby?”
“Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters.”
“Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days!”

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard.
Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so funny Billy?”

“Well teacher, I just saw BOTH of your garters.”
Again she yells, “Get out of my classroom!” This time the punishment is more severe, and tells him – “I don’t want to see you for three weeks!”

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

“And where do you think you are going?” she asks.

“Well teach, from what I just saw, my school days are over!”

For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

34. If your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen Noodles

A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR WITH A GIRAFFE AND GETS THE GIRFFE DRUCK AND THE MAN BEHIND THE BAR SAID YOU CANT LEAVE LRYING THERE AND THE MAN SAID IT NOT A LION ITS A GIRFFE.

A college student was in a philosophy class which had a discussion about God’s
existence. The professor presented the following logic:
“Has anyone in this class heard God?” Nobody spoke.
“Has anyone in this class touched God?” Again, nobody spoke.
“Has anyone in this class seen God?” When nobody spoke for the third time, he
simply stated, “Then there is no God.”
One student thought for a second, and then asked for permission to reply.
Curious to hear this bold student’s response, the professor granted it, and the
student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:
“Has anyone in this class heard our professor’s brain?” Silence.
“Has anyone in this class touched our professor’s brain?” Silence.
“Has anyone in this class seen our professor’s brain?”
When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, “Then,
according to our professor’s logic, it must be true that our professor has no
brain!”
You can’t argue with that!

Q: What did the cat say when he got off the ark?
A: Is that Aarat?

Gentlemen: I have been riding trains daily for the last two years,
and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I
am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I
think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people
2,000 years ago.

Yours truly, A Commuter Dear Sir: We received your letter with
reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are
somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation
2,000 years ago was by foot. Sincerely, The Railroad Gentlemen:
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are
confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of
David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his
ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on
your train in the last two years.

Your truly, A Commuter

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.73. Skip to the bathroom.