Category: riddles

How do you know when you’re REALLY ugly?Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.What is the quickest way to clear out a men’s restroom?Say, “Nice dick.”How do you know you’re leading a sad life?When a nymphomaniac tells you, “Let’s just be friends.”Why don’t bunnies make noise when they make love?Because they have cotton balls.Mom’s have Mother’s Day, Father’s have Father’s Day.What do single guys have? Palm SundayWhy is being in the military like a blowjob?The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?Miracle Whip.What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?A bingo machine.What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?The porcupine has pricks on the outside.What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?”Are you sure it’s mine?”

How come ghosts can’t have babies?

Because they have hollow weenies!

What can go up the chimney down, but can’t go down the chimney up?

An umbrella.

Q: Why is the orchestra x-rated?

A: Too much sax and violins!

Whats the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew a lightbulb.

Q: what do you get when you cross the pillsbury doughboy wih Raggedy Ann?A: A red headed bitch with a yeast infection-chad

What does a man with diahria say when he gets off the toilet?

“I’LL BE BACK!”

Why did the mustard lose the race to the relish?

– Because he could’t Ketchup.

Q: What goes “Buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz buzz plop?”

A: A bee laughing it’s head off!

Q: Why did the elephant sit on the marshmallow?

A: To avoid falling into the hot cocoa!

Q: What’s small, purple, and dangerous?

A: A grape with a gun!

1. If Miss Issippi bought a New Jersey for Miss Ourri, What
would Della wear?

2. Why was the tomato blushing?

3. What do you call twin brothers?

4. What color do you paint the sun and the wind?

5. What is the leader of all tools?

ANSWERS—————————————————-

1. I don’t know but I’ll ask her (Alaska).

2. It saw the salad dressing.

3. A sunset.

4. The sun rose and the wind blue.

5. The ruler.

Yo Mama so dump she looked at an orange juice box for 2 hrs. just because it said CONCENTRATEYo Mama so fat she just fatYo Mama so ugly hell started to cryYo Mama so fat Jupiter got jealousYo Mama so fat she got hit by a parked carYo Mama so desperate she told me that she would give me a blow job for a quarter.Yo Mama so dump she went to the SUPER BOWL with a spoon.Yo Mama so horny she’s on the fence sayin’ here kitty kitty.Yo Mama so ugly she too ugly.Yo Mama so dump she went to the salon for a facial.

– Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm – Drink ’til she’s cute, but stop before the wedding – Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines – Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese – I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week – I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met – I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol – I intend to live forever – so far, so good – I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy – If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? – If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough! – Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb! – Mind Like A Steel Trap – Rusty And Illegal In 37 States – Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of – Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have – Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. – The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. – When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane. – Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. – Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you. – If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they. – Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder … – 24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case … coincidence? – If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously >> overlooked something. – Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. – Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. – When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. – Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film. – Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! – If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? – Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? – What happens if you get scared half to death twice? – Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. – I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone. – I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. – I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. – Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. – How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? – Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. – Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. – Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? – Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! – For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. – OK, so what’s the speed of dark? – Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines! – Black holes are where God divided by zero. – All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. – I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.