Category: relationships

There was this young couple who have dated since high school, but they have never had sex, because the boy’s mother always told him that what a woman has between her legs has teeth. For obvious reasons the boy was always afraid to venture down there.

They finally marry, and on their wedding night, the young groom walks out of the bathroom to find his new bride dressed in a very sexy negligie and lying invitingly on the bed. She says to him, “Oh honey, here’s the moment we’ve been waiting for. It is time to consummate our marriage.”

He is apparently flustered, and says, “Oh, no….I’m not going down there!”

The confused bride asks, “Why?”.

He turned to her and said, “Well, my mother always told me that what a woman has between her legs, has teeth.”

The bride laughed and said, “That’s nonsense, let me show you.”

So, she whips off her negligie, spreads her legs open, and pulls her pussy lips apart and says, “See honey, no teeth”

The groom quickly replies, “My God! With gum disease like that, no wonder you have no teeth!!!!”

My brother’s looking for a wife.
Trouble is, he can’t find a woman who loves him as much as he loves himself.

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
“Certainly, sir, that’ll be 1 cent.”
“ONE CENT – that’s awesome!” exclaimed the guy.

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with the works?”

“Certainly, sir, “replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money.”
“How much money?” inquires the guy.
“4 cents,” replies the bartender.

“FOUR cents!” exclaims the guy…
“Where’s the Guy who owns this place?”

The bartender replies, “Upstairs with my wife.”
The guy says, “What’s he doing with your wife?”

The bartender replies…
“Same as I’m doing to his business!”

A guy cries over a grave:
Why did you pass away so early….
Who are you mourning over?
This is the first husband of my wife.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT – what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING – the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL – avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around children.

EASY – a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT – a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND – a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE – a woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as “playing hard to get.”

INTERESTING – a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT – what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY – how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC – a man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
FRIGID – a man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.

SOBER – condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

NAG – a man’s term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse.

Three women were sitting around talking about their husband’s performance as lovers.

The first woman says, ”My husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that.”

The second woman says, ”My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.”

The third woman just shakes her head and says, ”My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it’s going to be when I get it.”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

This old man and old lady met, fell in love, and got married.

On their honeymoon they went to a fancy hotel to do honeymoon stuff.

After smooching in their room, the old gentleman said he was going to the bathroom, to get ready for sex.

When he came out, he saw the old girl standing on her head, naked, against the wall.

“What the heck are you doing?” he said.

She said, “I thought that at your age, you probably couldn’t get it up! So I figured you could just drop it in!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent.

When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a sexy body as well.

Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform.

Limp as a dish rag!

On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine.

Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection.

Looking down at his penis, he snarled, “Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Clark Kent

Two women were dressing in the locker room after their aerobics class when one noticed that the other was pulling on a pair of men?s briefs.

“So when did you start wearing men?s underwear?” the first asked.

“Ever since my husband found a strange pair under the bed.”

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:

Dear Wife,
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband,
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boytoy. You being an accountant will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

This man and this woman share a bunk bed with their son. The man and woman
sleep on the top and the kid sleeps on the bottom. One night when the kid is
asleep, the parents climb to their bed. The man says to the woman, “Say ham when
you want it harder, say cheese when you want it softer.”
All through the night the kid hears, “HAM, HAM, HAM, cheese, HAM, HAM, HAM,
cheese!”
When the kid wakes up the next morning, he tells his mother, “Mommy, you got
to stop making those ham and cheese sandwiches at night cause I end up getting
mayonnaise all over me!”

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

“C’mon, tell me,” she asked for the thousandth time, “how many women have you slept with?”

“Baby, ” he protested, “if I told you, you’d throw a fit.”

Kim promised she wouldn’t get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

“Okay,” he said, “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven – then there’s you – nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen…..”