Category: relationships

LORD I PRAY FOR WISDOM TO UNDERSTAND MY MAN ,LOVE TO FORGIVE HIM , PATIENCE FOR MOODS BECAUSE LORD IF I ASK FOR STRENGTH I WILL BEAT HIM TO DEATH

The following is a conversation between you and a friend

You:”I can’t believe they’re still together after all that shit!”

Friend:”WHO?”

You:”My but-cheeks!”

My girlfriend is weird.

Just the other day, she asked me, “If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?”

I thought about a moment and answered, “No.”

There was a pause, and then she said, “Okay, forget it then.”

Question: What a husband should do if he sees his wife with a stranger and
they both are naked?
Answer: A good husband should cover his wife at once, not to let her get
cold.

A husband and wife have been arguing for several weeks and the
wife has finally decided that she wants a divorce. So when the
husband comes home she is all packed and ready to go out the
door. The husband takes one look at her and says, “Where do you
think your going?” The wife replys, “I’m leaving you and going
to Las Vegas to become a prostitute and earn $400 a blow job.”
So the husband runs upstairs and comes back down with all his
bags packed. The wife looks at him and says, “Where do you think
your going?” “I’m going with you,” The husband replys, “I want
to see you live on $800 a year!”

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He says,”What are you doing?”

She answers, “I’m moving to Las Vegas. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free!”

Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he’s going, he replies…
“I’m going to Vegas too. I want to see you live on $800 a year!”

A man suspects his wife is having an affair, so he goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. Not having much money he chooses a male parrot with one leg.

He takes the bird home and ties its penis to the perch in the bird cage to allow it to stand.

“When I go to work you keep an eye on my wife and tell me what happens” the man told his parrot.

When the man returns from work later that day, he asks the parrot if
anything happened when he was out.

“Well” said the parrot, “the milkman came to the door”.

“Then?” demanded the man.

“Your wife went to the door.”

“Then??”

“She let him in.”

“Then what?”

“They started making out in the living room.”

“Then what?” cried the exasperated man.

“Then I got a hard-on and fell off the perch!”

Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis

Marriage for women has its ups and downs. How?

The toilet seat is up and the hubby’s sex interest is down.

A man’s wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of drinks, one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.
After they have had their fun, he realizes it is 3AM and says, “Oh no, its so late, my wife is going to kill me! Do you have any talcum powder?”

She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. “Where the hell have you been?!”

“Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.”

“Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!” She sees his hands are covered with powder. “You liar! You went bowling again!”

A preacher was walking along a street when he noticed a small boy sitting on the curb.

The boy had a bottle of liquid and seemed fascinated with it.

The preacher was curious as to what was in the bottle, so he asked the boy what was in the bottle.

The little boy looked up to the preacher and says, “Preacher, what I have here is the most powerful liquid in the world. This is a bottle of turpentine!”

The preacher smiled and shook his head and said “No, no my child, you are wrong. The most powerful liquid in the world is Holy water, for if you would rub a little Holy water on a pregnant woman’s belly, she will pass a baby boy!”

The little boy just grinned and replied, “Damn preacher, that aint nothing. If you was to rub a little of this turpentine on a cat’s ass, it will PASS a motorcycle.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Gone fishingA man phones home from his office and tells his wife: “Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.”He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.A week later he returns.His wife asks: “Did you have a good trip, dear?”He says: ” Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.”His wife smiles and says, “Oh no I didn’t. I put them in your tackle box!”

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.

The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back.”

“Where are you going, coochy cooh?” asked the wife.

“I’m going to the bar, pretty face. I’m going to have a beer.”

The wife said, “You want a beer, my love?” She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, “Yes, lolly pop…but at the bar…you know…they have frozen glasses…”

He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, puppy face?”

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious… I won’t be long, I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?”

“You want hors d’oeuvres, poochi pooh?” She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

“But my sweet honey… at the bar… you know… there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…”

“You want dirty words, cutie pie?… “LISTEN UP, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR FUCKIN BEER IN YOUR DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERFUCKIN SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU ARE MARRIED NOW, YOU AREN’T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?” …..

and, they lived happily ever after!

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo