Category: relationships

Couples I know recently adopted a Chinese baby girl, and were showing her to
friends. A neighbor came by to admire the baby, and asked, “But what will you do
when she gets older and starts speaking Chinese?”

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. “Dear,” said the mother diplomatically, “he doesn’t seem very nice.””Mom,” replied the daughter, “if he wasn’t nice, why would he be doing 5,000 hours of community service?”

Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician’s office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, “My husband wants me to ask you…”

“I know, I know.” the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, “I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late In the pregnancy.”

“No, that’s not it at all,” Brenda confessed. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”

Do you know who Abraham Lincoln was?
– No.
– And who Moshe Dayan was?
– No.
– See, you don’t know, but I do. It is because every evening I take classes or
go to the museum.
– Well, and do you know who Vasily Ivanov is?
– No. Who is he?
– He’s the guy who visits your wife every evening when you are in class or at
the museum.

A woman filed for divorce. The reason: her husband did not satisfy her sexual
needs.
“Tell your side of the story,” the judge said to the husband.
“When we just married,” the husband said, “my wife said, ‘Let’s us save money
for furniture.’ I agreed, so we ate only soup until we’d money for furniture.
Then she said, ‘Let’s save money for a TV set..’ I agreed, so we ate only tea,
until we bought the TV set. Then she said, ‘Let’s save money for a car. We
switched to water….”
“It’s interesting,” the judge said, “But you better tell us about your
performance in bed. Your wife complains that you do not satisfy…..”
“Citizen�s judges! Just give me one bowl of soup, and I’ll satisfy all of
you.”

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and
walks over to his Grandpa and says, “Grandpa, please make a frog noise.”
The Grandpa says, “No�.
The little boy goes on, “Please .. please make a frog noise.”
The Grandpa says, “No, now go play�.
The little boy then says to his sister, “Go tell Grandpa to make a frog
noise�. So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, “Please make a frog
noise.”
The Grandpa says, “I just told your brother no and I’m telling you no.”
The little girl says, “Please .. please Grandpa makes a frog noise.”
The Grandpa says, “Why do you want me to make a frog noise?”
The little girl replied, “Because mommy said when you croak we can go to
Disney world!”

10. How are the wedding plans going?

9. Are you nervous yet?

8. Has she sobered up?

7. I heard you got married last week.

6. Is it a big wedding?

5. I TOLD YOU TO TAKE OUT THE #&@^% GARBAGE YOU #&^#%$*@!!! I DON’T KNOW WHY THE #%@& I AGREED TO MARRY A (*^&@&^ LIKE YOU!!!

4. OK. I’ll up the offer to $5000, just please don’t marry into our family.

3. ….and the cost for that will be ….

2. I’m sorry… this credit card isn’t being accepted.

1. Do you know if it’s a boy or a girl?

A guy was walking around the office Christmas party belting down drink after drink. But every ten or fifteen minutes, he reached into his shirt pocket, pulled something out, took a look at it, then put it back in his pocket.

Finally, a friend came up to him and said, “George, I’ve been watching you all night, and I have to ask…what’s in your shirt pocket?”

“It’s a picture of my wife.”

“Why do you keep looking at it?”

“Because,” George replied, “When she finally starts looking good, it’s time to go home.”

The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrow attention as they checked into the resort hotel.

Next morning at eight sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat down at a table and ordered ham and eggs.

The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident.

Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room and seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and her voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee.

The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby for his morning cigar.

As the waitress approached with the bride’s toast and coffee, she said, “Honey, I don’t understand it. Here you a young bride with an old husband, looking like you’ve encountered a buzz saw.”

“That guy,” said the bride, “double crossed me. He told me he saved up for 60 years and I thought he was talking about money!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A Doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. The Doctor, clearly miffed, blurts to his wife, “You aren’t so good in bed either!” and stormed off to work.

By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home.

After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answers the phone. “What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?”

“I was in bed.”

“What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?”

“Getting a second opinion.”

The neighbor dropped in on a friend and found her sitting at the kitchen
table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee; her three kids squabbling
loudly in the other room.
“What’s wrong Marge?” she asked.
Marge told her that she had “morning sickness.”
Surprised the neighbor said, “I didn’t even know you were pregnant.”
“I’m not,” the harried young woman replied. “I’m just damn sick of mornings!”

The following is a conversation between you and a friend

You:”I can’t believe they’re still together after all that shit!”

Friend:”WHO?”

You:”My but-cheeks!”