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A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent.
The doctor says, “I’m not sure I understand what you mean.”
She says, “Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
Throughout the centuries, mothers have been given their children plenty of
good advice and notable quotes. Here’s just a small sampling:
PAUL REVERE’S MOTHER: “I don’t care where you think you have to go, young man.
Midnight is past your curfew!”
MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY’S MOTHER: “I don’t mind you having a garden, Mary,
but does it have to be growing under your bed?”
MONA LISA’S MOTHER: “After all that money your father and I spent on braces,
Mona, that’s the biggest smile you can give us?”
HUMPTY DUMPTY’S MOTHER: “Humpty, if I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a
hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!”
COLUMBUS’ MOTHER: “I don’t care what you’ve discovered, Christopher. You still
could have written!”
BABE RUTH’S MOTHER: “Babe, how many times have I told you — quit playing ball
in the house! That’s the third broken window this week!”
MICHELANGELO’S MOTHER: “Mike, can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do
you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?”
NAPOLEON’S MOTHER: “All right, Napoleon. If you aren’t hiding your report card
inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!”
CUSTER’S MOTHER: “Now, George, remember what I told you — don’t go biting off
more than you can chew!”
ABRAHAM LINCOLN’S MOTHER: “Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can’t you just
wear a baseball cap like the other kids?”
BARNEY’S MOTHER: “I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but
you’re starting to look a little purple.”
MARY’S MOTHER: “I’m not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but
I would like to know how he got a better grade than you.”
BATMAN’S MOTHER: “It’s a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the
insurance is going to be?”
GOLDILOCKS’ MOTHER: “I’ve got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear
family. You know anything about this, Goldie?”
LITTLE MISS MUFFET’S MOTHER: “Well, all I’ve got to say is if you don’t get
off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there’ll be a lot more spiders
around here!”
ALBERT EINSTEIN’S MOTHER: “But, Albert, it’s your senior picture. Can’t you do
something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something…?”
GEORGE WASHINGTON’S MOTHER: “The next time I catch you throwing money across
the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!”
JONAH’S MOTHER: “That’s a nice story, but now tell me where you’ve really been
for the last three days.”
SUPERMAN’S MOTHER: “Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we’ve
decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much
time in all those phone booths?”
THOMAS EDISON’S MOTHER: “Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric
light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!”
The beautiful secretary of the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank goes to a sight-seeing tour with a very rich Taiwanese client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him.
Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her; “Don’t reject the guy outright.” So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.
So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, “I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara.”
The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, “No problem!! I buy. I buy.”
Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man, “I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine county in France.”
The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, “Okay, okay. I build, I build.”
Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she’d better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, “Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis.”
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he’s muttering something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman, “Okay, okay. I cut. I cut!”
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.
“Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.” He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:
“Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes.”
After the wedding, the groom pulled the pastor aside and hissed, “I thought we had a deal.”
The pastor put the $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispered back, “She made me a much better offer.
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
“Oh no, my dear, ” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.”
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, “And if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along, he’d still be alive today!”
Submitted by Tantilazing
Edited by calamjo and yisman
After 29 years of marriage, a woman decided she needed to do something to spice up her marriage.
She went out and bought a pair of crotchless panties, put them on, walked up to her husband and said, “Do you want some of this?”
He replied, “Hell No… Look what it did to those panties!”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up.
After work, she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless panties. She went home and donned the new garment, and selected a short skirt to go with it.
She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him as she sipped a drink.
She slowly spread her legs …
“Honey would you like some of this?” she asked enticingly.
“Hell no!” he gasped, “look what it’s done to your underwear!”
A husband suspects his wife is having an affair.
He needs to go on a business trip for several days, so he decides to set a trap for her.
He puts a bowl of milk under the bed. From the bed springs, he suspends a spoon.
He has it calibrated so that her weight on the bed will not drop the spoon into the milk.
But, if there is any more weight than that, the spoon will drop into the milk and he will detect it upon his return home.
He comes home several days later.
The first thing he does is reach under the bed and retrieve the bowl.
The bowl is full of butter….
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
My wife came home yesterday and said, “Honey, the car won’t start, but I know what the problem is.”
I asked her what it was and she told me it has water in the carburetor.
I thought for a moment, then said, “You know I don’t mean this badly, but you don’t know the carburetor from the accelerator.”
“No, there’s definitely water in the carburetor” she insisted.
“OK, Honey, that’s fine, I’ll just go take a look. Where is it?”
“In the lake!”
Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman”.
“Oh yeah”, said Eddie. “And how did this one end”?
“When it was over”, Harvey replied. “She came crawling to me on her hands and knees”.
“Really? Now that’s a switch! What did she say”?
“She said, ‘Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!'”
The wife says: You wantThe wife means: You wantThe wife says: We needThe wife means: I wantThe wife says: It’s your decisionThe wife means: The correct decision should be obviousThe wife says: Do what you wantThe wife means: You’ll pay for this laterThe wife says: We need to talkThe wife means: I need to complainThe wife says: Sure… go aheadThe wife means: I don’t want you toThe wife says: I’n not upsetThe wife means: Of course I’m upset you moronThe wife says: You’re … so manlyThe wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lotThe wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lightsThe wife means: I have flabby thighs.The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenientThe wife means: I want a new house.
Two guys were carpooling home from work one day. Traffic was crawling along and they were both a bit bored. The driver was looking around and suddenly pointed at two dogs having sex in someone’s front lawn.
“Look,” he shouted, “What are the those dogs doing? Fighting?”
The passenger, being a man of the world, replied, “They’re having sex. Don’t tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before.”
The driver, a bit embarrassed, admitted that he never had.
His passenger said, “You have to try it. It’s pretty cool. Here’s what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position.”
The driver thought a bit, then decided he would give it a try.
The next morning, the two commuters were back in the car and the passenger asked, “Well. How did it go?”
The driver replied, “It was GREAT! But it took me SIX margaritas just to get her naked in the front lawn!”