Category: relationships

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes.”

The woman freed the frog and he said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes, whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!”

The woman said, “That would be okay.”

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to.”

The woman replied, “That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me.”

So, KAZAM! She’s the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you. “

The woman said, “That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine.”

So, KAZAM! she’s the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack.”

Submitted by Danalockett
Edited by Curtis

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, “Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?”

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. “I can’t, dear,” she said. “I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.”

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “That big sissy.”

Fred had not been feeling well, so he went to his long time doctor.

The doctor did some tests and walked back into the room.

“Fred, I have some bad news for you, and I really don’t know how to tell you. I’ve rerun all the tests and double checked the results. You are going to die of cancer. There is no cure for what you have. You have about 6 to 8 weeks to live.”

“Well Doc, I am glad you told me straight out though. Now I can get all my personal affairs in order.”

The doctor felt badly about Fred and the next day was at the gym when he heard two guys talking. “Did you hear about Fred?” “Yeah, I heard that he is dying of AIDS!”

This really upset the doctor and he rushed over to a telephone to call Fred.

“Hello Fred? Did you understand what I told you yesterday?”

“Of course Doc. I am dying of cancer and have 6 to 8 weeks to live.”

“But I just heard two of your friends say you were dying of AIDS.”

“Yeah Doc, I know. You see, after I am gone, I don’t want anyone screwing my wife!”

A couple married thirty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road. The woman said, “Sweetheart, let’s do the same thing we did here thirty years ago.”

The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and they made love like never before. Back in the car, the guy says, “Darling, you sure never moved like That thirty years ago, or any time since that I can remember!”

Dhe woman says, “thirty years ago that fence wasn’t electrified!”

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can’t see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

“Honey,” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals?

For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time.

If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.

“The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time.

If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis … fifty times”

Why did Osama Bin Laden kill his wife
He saw bush and she wouldnt get rid of it

One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out
to do some errands, so the proud father stayed home to watch his wonderful new
son.

Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did
everything he could think of, but the baby just wouldn’t stop crying. Finally,
the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.

After the doctor listened to all the father had done to get the baby to stop
crying, the doctor began to examine the baby’s ears, chest and then down to the
diaper area. When he opened the diaper, he found was indeed full.

“Here’s the problem,” the doctor explained. “He just needs to be changed.”

The perplexed father remarked, “But the diaper package specifically says it’s
good for up to 10 pounds!”

A man walks out of a bar and sees a bum panhandling on the corner.

“Mister, can you spare a dollar?” asked the bum.

After thinking about the question for a bit, the man asked the bum, “If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to buy liquor?”

“No,” replied the bum.

Then the man asked the bum, “If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to gamble?”

“No,” the bum replied.

The man then says to the bum, “Do you mind coming home with me so I can show my wife what happens to someone who doesn’t drink or gamble?”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

Wifespeak/Translation

You want: You want

We need: I want

It’s your decision: The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want: You’ll pay for this later

We need to talk: I need to complain

Sure…go ahead: I don’t want you to.

I’m not upset: Of course I’m upset, you moron.

You’re so manly: You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You’re certainly attentive tonight: Is sex all you ever think about?

I’m not emotional! And I’m not over reacting!: I’m on my period.

Be romantic, turn out the lights.: I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient: I want a new house.

I want new curtains: and carpeting, furniture, wallpaper….

I need wedding shoes: the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

Hang the picture there: No, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise: I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me?: I’m going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me?: I did something today you’re really not going to like.

I’ll be ready in a minute: Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat?: Tell me I’m beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate: Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!?: [Too late, your dead.]

Yes: No

No: No

Maybe: No

I’m sorry: You’ll be sorry.

Do you like this recipe?: It’s easy to fix, so you’d better get used to it.

Was that the baby?: Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

I’m not yelling!: Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

All we’re going to buy is a soap dish: It goes without saying that we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at few new pocketbooks, and, oh my god,there’s a sale in lingerie, and wouldn’t these pink sheets look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?

In answer to the question “What’s wrong?”

The same old thing.: Nothing.

Nothing.: Everything.

Everything: My PMS is acting up.

Nothing, really.: It’s just that you’re such an asshole..

I don’t want to talk about it.: Go away, I’m still building up steam.

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a very mean looking dog on a leash.

Behind that were 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn’t stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, “I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”

The woman replied, “Well, that first hearse is for my husband.”
“What happened to him?”
The woman replied, “My dog attacked and killed him.”

She inquired further, “Well, who is in the second hearse?”

The woman answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.”

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.
“Can I borrow the dog?”

“Get in line.”

Least Loved Conversation Hearts
1. SHOO
2. U SMELL
3. AMSCRAY
4. CALL 911
5. 1000x NO
6. R-U NUTS
7. BIG BORE
8. BROKE HIP
9. URA ZERO
10. I’LL MACE
11. GET REAL
12. OVER DOSE
13. R U DONE
14. SHAVE BACK
15. NO HOPE
16. GO AWAY
17. DON’T TUCH
18. U-R SICK
19. WANT FRIES?
20. YODA MAN
21. DISCO
22. NO NECK
23. WRONG
24. IN-BRED
25. WAKE UP
26. HO HUM
27. FIX TEETH
28. TRY SOAP
29. NICE LISP
30. I’LL DUMP U
31. BAD HAIR
32. I’LL YELL
33. AS IF
34. NOT NOW
35. NOT EVER

A couple went to church every week, but every week without fail the husband would fall asleep during the sermon.

The wife, being embarrassed by her husband’s loud snoring, decided to bring a needle to the next service with her and poke him when he nods off.

The next week when they were in church the husband, as always, fell asleep. When the preacher asked, ‘Who created the Earth in 6 days and rested on the 7th?’ The wife stuck her husband with the needle and he jumped up and exclaimed, ‘Oh my God!’ The preacher said, ‘That’s correct.’ And the husband sat down mumbling to himself.

He soon fell asleep again and when the preacher got to the question, ‘And who died on the cross to save us from eternal damnation?’ The wife stuck her husband again and he jumped up and exclaimed, ‘Jesus Christ!’ And the preacher said, ‘Right again.’ With this the husband fell suspicious of his wife and decided to catch her in the act.

The husband pretended to fall asleep while keeping an eye on his wife when the preacher said, ‘What did Mary say to Joseph after Jesus was born?’ The wife started to poke her husband again, but before she could the husband jumped up and exclaimed, ‘If you stick that damn thing in me again, I’m going to break it in half!’