Category: relationships

Three types of relationships are the first relationship is a sick relationship, a lovely relationship, and a but relationship.

One day a man walks into a dentist’s office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

“Eighty dollars,” the dentist says.

“That’s a ridiculous amount,” the man says.

“Isn’t there a cheaper way?”

“Well,” the dentist says, “if you don’t use an anesthetic, I can knock it down to $60.”

“That’s still too expensive,” the man says.

“Okay,” says the dentist. “If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with charging $20.”

“Nope,” moans the man, “it’s still too much.”

“Hmm,” says the dentist, scratching his head. “If I let one of my students do it for the experience, I suppose I coeld charge you just $10.”

“Marvelous,” says the man, “book my wife for next Tuesday!”

Wife: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.

Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

15 Spouse using your toothbrush to scrub tile grout.

14 Candlelight dinners now illuminated by sticks of dynamite.

13 Spouse has gone from moaning while making love to moaning ABOUT making love.

12 The only thigh you see on your anniversary is at KFC.

11 Being funny via e-mail to 7,000 strangers is now your main source of sexual gratification.

10 Morning breath no longer gives you that same thrill.

9. Husband’s casual suggestions to “try swinging” are growing alarmingly frequent.

8. Your husband wants to adopt — a 17 year-old waitress from TGI Fridays.

7. A romantic Saturday night at home now includes Dr.Quinn, Medicine Woman.

6 Wife keeping list of things she’ll do after you’re finally dead.

5 “Darling I’m home” now followed by, “Could you be more specific?”

4 Request for sex now gets you $100 and a map of the city.

3 Wife constantly asks, “Why can’t you be more like Squiffy?”

2 Quick review of your phone bill reveals hundreds of late night phone calls to Buckingham palace.

1 Every morning is the same: Wake up, have your coffee, go retrieve your penis from the front garden.

16> “Sure you’ll get your figure back — we’ll just search 1985 where you left it.”

15> “Keys are on the fridge, honey. I’ll see you at the hospital at half-time.”

14> “Sure, the doctor said you’re eating for two – but he didn’t mean two orcas.”

13> “Honey — Come show the guys your Brando impression!”

12> “Roseanne, what have you done with my wife?!”

11> “How come you’re so much fatter than the other chicks in Lamaze?”

10> “Sweetheart, where’d you put that Victoria’s Secret catalog?”

9> “What’s the big deal? If you can handle *me* going in, surely you can handle a baby coming out.”

8> “Hey, when you’re finished pukin’ in there, get me a beer, willya?”

7> “Why in the *world* would I want to rub your feet?”

6> “That’s not a bun in the oven — it’s the whole friggin’ bakery!”

5> “You know, now that you mention it, you *are* getting fat and unattractive.”

4> “Oh, this is just great! Now, on top of everything else, child support.”

3> “Yo, Fatass! You’re blocking the TV!”

2> “No, I don’t know where the remote is! Have you looked under your breasts?”

1> “I know today’s your due date, but Larry just got a 10-point buck and that’s a reason to celebrate, too.”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

A man and his wife were going on a cruise for their honeymoon. They packed their bags and got ready to go but forgot to things…Condoms and Dramamine for the man had the terrible misfortune of getting motion sickness on ships.
So the man and his wife stop at the store on the way to the cruise and the man goes in to get the necessary supplies. He walks to the counter with a plenty pack of condoms and asks for the largest bottle of Dramamine available.

The pharmacist looks at him for a second and then asks him, “If it makes you so sick, why do you do it?”

A yuppie was sent a ransom note saying that he was to bring $50,000 to the 17th hole of the country club at ten o?clock the next day if he ever wanted to see his wife alive again.

He didn?t arrive until almost 12:30. A masked man stepped out from behind some bushes and growled, ?What the hell took you so long? You?re more than two hours late.?

?Hey, give me a break!? whined the yuppie. ?I?m a 27 handicap.?

There once was a young girl called Joanne who was very pretty indeed and everybody liked her but one day she met a horrid boy called “Little Shlong” so now everybody thinks she is dislexic.

The wife says: I want new curtains.The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!The wife says: I need wedding shoes.The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.The wife says: Hang the picture thereThe wife means: No, I mean hang it there!The wife says: I heard a noiseThe wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.The wife says: Do you love me?The wife means: I’m going to ask for something expensive.The wife says: How much do you love me?The wife means: I did something today you’re not going to like.The wife says: I’ll be ready in a minute.The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.The wife says: Am I fat?The wife means: Tell me I’m beautiful.The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.The wife means: Just agree with me.

18 things not to say to your pregnant wife.1. I finished the Oreo’s.2. Not to imply anything, but I don’t think the kid weighs 40 pounds.3. Y’know, to look at her, you’d never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!4. I hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever!5. Darned if you aren’t five pounds away from a surprise visit from Richard Simmons.6. Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that’s gotta hurt.7. Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!8. I’m so jealous! Why can’t men experience the joy of childbirth?9. Are your ankles supposed to look like that?10. Get your *own* ice cream.11. Geez, you look awfully puffy today.12. Got milk?13. Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Theresa?14. Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!15. Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water…16. Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your butt!17. Well, can’t they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl!18. You don’t have the guts to pull that trigger…

Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.

Ribbons for Snoring

A woman walks into a restaraunt to have lunch with an old friend of hers. When she sees her old friend she is looking very tired and pale. She asks her friend what the problem is and she says that she isnt getting any sleep due to her husbands snoring at night. She says, “oh i know a good remedy for that, all you have to do is when he starts to snore, find a blue ribbon and tie it around his privates.” Her friend then agrees to try it out that night.
That night she wakes up to her husbands snoring and decides to try her friends method of curing it. So she goes into her closet and finds a blue ribbon and proceeds to tie it around his privates. Her husband immediately stops snoring and she says this is wonderful and then dozes off to sleep. About an hour later she wakes up to snoring again, looks over at her husband and hes not snoring and then looks to the floor and sees that the dog is snoring. So she decides to try the method on the dog. She goes into the closet but can only find a red ribbon. So she ties it around the dogs privates and the dog stops snoring.
About and hour later the husband gets up to go to the restroom and naturally the dog follows him. He looks down and sees a blue ribbon, and then looks at the dog and sees a red ribbon, and he says, “Rover i dont know where we’ve been or what we’ve been doin but we won first and second prize!”