Category: relationships

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

LOVE – When your eyes meet across a crowded room.

LUST – When your tongues meet across a crowded room.

MARRIAGE – When your belt won’t meet around your waist, and you don’t care.

LOVE – When you share everything you own.

LUST – When you think twice about giving your partner bus money.

MARRIAGE – When the bank owns everything.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT – what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING – the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

BIRTH CONTROL – avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around children.

EASY – a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT – a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND – a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE – a woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as “playing hard to get.”

INTERESTING – a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT – what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY – how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC – a man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
FRIGID – a man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.

SOBER – condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

NAG – a man’s term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse.

You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and eventually will be used against you.

You have the right to an attourny, if you cannot affod one, you`ve been married before.

You may now kiss the bride…..s ass.

A big game hunter goes on safari with his wife and his mother-in-law. One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone.

Immediately, she awakens up her husband and they both set off to find the old woman.

Suddenly, they break into a clearing and there’s the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocious lion!

“Quick, darling,” the wife shouts frantically, “Do something!”

“Oh, no,” the husband says, “That lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Knock Knock!
Who is it?
Grandma!
Grandma who?
Knock Knock!
Who is it?
Grandma!
Grandma who?
Knock Knock!
Who is it!
Grandma!
Grandma who? (shuffle)
Knock Knock!
Who is it!
Aunty!
Aunty who?
Aunty good from keeping grandma knocking on the door?

A man’s house is on fire. No help is in sight so he takes matters into his own hands.

He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside.
Then he runs back in and gets is daughter and brings her ouside.
Then his wife. Then the dog. Then the cat.

Then he goes back in “3 more times” without bringing out anybody or anything.

So a bystander is curious and asks him, “Why do you keep going back into your burning house and not coming out with anything?”

The man replies, “I’m turning over my mother in law.”

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:
Dear Wife (that’s what he called her):

I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband (that’s what she called him):

I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy.

You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.

Two cannibals were sitting by a fire.The first says, ”Gee, I hate my mother-in-law.”The 2nd replies, ”So, try the potatoes.”Q: Why don’t cannibals like to eat clowns?A: They taste funny.

My wife and I just celebrated our tenth anniversary and the way I see it, it’s six years for her, three for me, and one year was a draw.

Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday evening as they have done for the past 35 years. Max, the older, had been having problems remembering what cards were what, and usually needed help from his wife.

At the end of the card game Ed said to Max, “You did very good tonight. You didn’t need any help at all. Why is that?”

Max replied, “Why ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, I haven’t had any problems at all.”

“Memory school? What memory school?”

Max thought for a moment, “Oh, what’s that flower that’s red with thorns? A really pretty flower…?”

“A rose?”

“Yeah…that’s it!” Max turned to his wife and mumbled, “Hey, Rose! What’s the name of that memory school you sent me to?”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Tanyilazing

The newlywed couple asked the hotel desk clerk for a room and told him they just got married that morning.

“Congratulations!” said the clerk looking at the bride. “Would you like the bridal then?”

“No thanks,” said the woman.
“I’ll just hold him by the ears until he gets the hang of it!”