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A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong.
“Ohhh, it’s my girlfriend.”
“Oh yeah? What’s the problem?”
“When I asked her if she could learn to love me,” he said, “she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education.”
Two gentlemen were discussing the prospects of “looming” retirement. While one guy had lots of hobbies. The other fellow had no hobbies, and was rather concerned about being set loose with nothing to do.
The first guy suggested his friend go visit his kids. The man said, “Well, I only have two kids, but I could buy a motor home and go visit my brothers and sisters, that would take about a year.”
The first guy looked a bit puzzled, so his friend said, “I’m one of eighteen kids in my family.”
The first fellow’s eyes got rather large, contemplating eighteen children, so the man volunteered to explain.
“The problem was, my mother was hard of hearing.” With a big grin he added, “My mom and dad would go to bed at night, and my dad would ask, ‘Do you want to go to sleep, or what?’ and my mom would say, ‘What?'”
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and
always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to
begin with. If it just sits in your living room, messes up your
stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and
never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you
either married it or gave birth to it!
A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride’s and groom’s families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, ‘Silence in court!’The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,’Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.’The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride. The judge says, ‘OK.”Well,’ said Paddy, ‘after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.’Shocked, the judge instantly responded, ‘God, that must have hurt!”Hurt?’ Paddy replies. ‘He broke three of my fingers!’
* “Sorry I’m a little late. I had to stop by the drugstore.”
* “Show me how you used to spank her.”
* “Hi, I’m Hoopla69.”
* “Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?”
* “I just got my license today.”
* “I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me mature.”
* “Five bucks says she’s a D-cup.”
* “Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?”
* “Hi. I’m Robert, but my friends call me ‘Back Door Bob.'”
* “So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?”
A guy in a ski mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun.
“Open the fucking safe!” He yells at the girl behind the
counter.
“But we’re not a real bank.” She replies, “We don’t have any
money, this is a sperm bank.”
“Don’t argue, open the fucking safe or I’ll blow your head off.”
Demands the guy with the gun. She obliges and once she opened
the safe door the guy says, “Take out one of the bottles and
drink it.”
“But it’s full of sperm!” She replies nervously.
“Don’t argue, just drink it!” He demands. She pulls the cap off
and gulps it down.
“Take out another one and drink it too!” He demands. She takes
out another and drinks it as well. Suddenly the guy pulls off
the ski mask and to the girl’s amazement it’s her husband.
“There,” He says “It’s not that fucking difficult is it?”
Two men are sitting on a riverbank fishing. Suddenly, they look up and see a funeral procession going over the nearby bridge. One of the men takes off his cap and solemnly holds it over his heart.”That was a nice gesture,” says the other man”Oh”, replies the first man, “It was the least I could do, after all we were married for 25 years �.
Bob was worried about his wifes hearing so he visited the doctor.
The doctor gave him step-by-step instructions on how to determain how serious the problem was.
Later, when he got home he saw his wife in front of the oven. He stood in the doorway and said “Honey what are we having for dinner tonight?”
No answer.
He then moved three steps closer and said it again just like the doctor told him to, and still no answer.
He moved three more steps and now he was right behind her. He shouted “HONEY WHAT ARE WE HAVING FOR DINNER TONIGHT?”
His wife says, “For the third time, meatloaf you deaf bugger!”
There was a mature gentleman wandering around in a supermarket calling out in intervals, “Crisco, Cris-co!!!”
Finally a store clerk approached, “Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 5.”
“Oh,” replied the gentleman, “I’m not looking for cooking Crisco. I’m calling my wife.”
“Your wife is named ‘Crisco’?”
“No,” he answered, “I only call her that when we come to the supermarket.”
“Oh? What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?”
“Lard Ass!!!!!”
Mickey Mouse goes to see his lawyer demanding a divorce from Minnie Mouse.
The lawyer reads the divorce papers that Mickey had prepared and says that
the fact that Minnie has large teeth that stick out is not sufficient
grounds for divorce.
Mickey looks up at the lawyer and says “I didn`t say she had large teeth that stick out, I said she was fucking Goofy”
I must take every precaution not to get pregnant,” said Edna to Priscilla.”But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy,” Priscilla responded.”He did. That’s why I have to take every precaution.”
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”
He addressed the man, “Can you describe your wife’s favorite flower?”
David leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn’t it?”