Category: relationships

After Christmas Tom and Harry were at work talking about what they bought thier wives for Christmas. Tom says “I got my wife a 3 carat diamond ring and a brand new BMW”. Harry asked “if you got her a 3 carat diamond ring then why did you get a BMW”.”So if she didn’t like the ring I knew that she would like the BMW” said Tom, “well what did you get your wife?” Harry replies “well I got her a pair of flip flops and a dildo”.Tom laughs and askes “why did you get her a dildo?””Well so if she didn’t like the flip flops she could go screw herself”

A man sat in his attorney’s office.

“Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?” the lawyer said.

“Give me the bad news first.”

“Your wife found a picture worth a million dollars.”

“That’s the bad news?” asked the man incredulously. “I can’t wait to hear the terrible news.”

“The terrible news is that it’s of you and your secretary.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Curtis

A police recruit was asked on an exam: “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” In the blank, he wrote: “Call for backup.”

A couple goes on vacation. They are on the railway station with big mountains
of luggage and the husband says:
– We should have taken our piano.
– Very funny.
– Yes, we have left out tickets on it.

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”

“Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!” she screamed.

“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”

Three ladies walk into a bar, each sits on a stool. All start
chattering, you know girl talk. Then, one says, “my pussy’s so
loose my boyfriend can stick his fist up it.” The second says,
“my pussy’s so loose, my boyfriend can stick both of his fist in
mine.” The third lady laughs and slides down the bar stool.

whats the differanc between a blond and a brick u only can lay the brick only once.

A wife arriving home after a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words.

“Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wear because the color didn’t suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.

“Then, as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, ‘Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?’ ….

….So, here we are!”

A newlywed couple goes to bed early on Christmas night. The wife awakes in the middle of the night, wakes her husband and says: “Honey, Honey wake up! I had the most amazing dream!”Husband: “Huh, what was it?”Wife: “In my dream I saw a Christmas tree that was decorated with all different kinds of dicks. There was big ones, small ones, black ones, white ones, and at the top of the tree was the perfect dick: it was long and thick!”Husband: “Well, it was my dick, right?” Wife: “No, it was Dennis Rodman’s!”The husband, somewhat annoyed that his wife awoke him to tell him about a dream about Dennis Rodman’s dick, rolled over and went to sleep. Later that evening the husband awoke and wakes his wife and says: “Honey, I had the most amazing dream!” Wife: “What was it?”Husband: “In my dream I saw a Christmas tree that was decorated with all different kinds of pussy’s. There was tight ones, loose ones, black ones, white ones, and at the top of the tree was the perfect pussy: it was tight and shaved!”Wife: “Was it mine?”Husband: “No, yours was holding the tree up!”

What four animals does a woman like to have in her house?

A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.

Dear Mrs, Mr, Miss, or Mr and Mrs Daneeka: Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father or brother was killed, wounded, or reported missing in action. — Catch-22

One day, a man walks into a dentists office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. “Eighty dollars”, says the dentist. “That’s a ridiculous amount!”, the man says. “Isn’t there a cheaper way?” “Well…”, the dentist says, “if you don�t use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60.” Looking annoyed the man says, “That’s still too expensive!” “Okay”, says the dentist. “If I save on anaesthetics and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20”. “Nope, moans the man, “it’s still too much!”. “Well”, says the dentist, scratching his head, “if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10.” “Marvellous!”, says the man, “Book my wife for next Tuesday.”