Category: relationships

One day wee jordy was out walking with his lass in the fields of scotland,
while walking through the heather the lass says;

“ah wee jordy i can tell you want to hold my hand!
wee jordy says “aye lass that i do, but how can you tell?
Well she says “i can tell by the gleam in your eye.”

Walking along a bit further she says to him “wee jordy i can tell you want
to give me a kiss”.

“well I lass that i do, but how can you tell?”
“ah wee jordy, i can tell by the gleam in your eye!”

Walking along a bit further she says “wee jordy i can tell you want to
make love to me”.

he says, “aye lass that i do! you can tell by the gleam in my eye!”
“No!” she says… “by the tilt in your kilt!”

Statistically 100% of all divorces started with marriage!

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?”

I said, “Dust!”

In the beginning, God created earth and rested.

Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman.

Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives?

Cause they want to.

What is the difference between a dog and a fox?

About 5 drinks.

A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said “I haven’t eaten anything in four days.”

She looked at him and said, “God, I wish I had your willpower.”

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?

Two mothers-in-law.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?

Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classified: “Wife wanted”.

Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”

Second guy: “You’re lucky; mine’s still alive.”

How do most men define marriage?

An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.”

A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”

And the father replied, “I don’t know son. I’m still paying.”

An extensive interview was being conducted on an old couple.The questions got more and more personal until finally the interviewer asked the man and woman . . . . . DO YOU TWO HAVE MUTUAL ORGASAM?The man and woman look at each other rather puzzled and they both replied: NO . . . . . STATE FARM.

A boy and his father visiting from a third world country were at
The Mall of America. They were amazed by almost everything they
saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move
apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, “What is this father?” The father
responded, “Son I have never seen anything like this in my life.
I don’t know what it is!”

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady
in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a
button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a
small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched
small circles of lights w/numbers above the walls light up. They
continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse
direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24 year
old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, “Go get your mother.”

Who has the ring?When the groom asks the best man for the ring, he turns and nervously says he doesn’t have it, who then turns to the next groomsman and asks the same question, and so on until the last person turns and grabs a giant box of Cracker Jacks that contained the wedding ring.The whole church was rolling as the best man and his co-horts had the last laugh. It was truely classic.

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He finally went to a doctor, and was fitted with excellent new hearing aids.

He returned a month later for a checkup, and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect! Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family just yet. I still sit around quietly; but, now I listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times already.

At the 1997 World Women’s Conference the first speaker from England stood up:

“At last years’ conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands.

Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.

After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb.”

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America stood up:

“After last years’ conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself.

After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well.”

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Australia stood up:

“After last years’ conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself.

After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye.”

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, ‘I’m sorry to bother you but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.’

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, ‘I’ve got a better idea…let’s pretend we’re married.’

‘Why not,’ giggles the woman.

‘Good,’ he replies. ‘Get your own damn blanket.’

The beautiful secretary of the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank goes to a sight-seeing tour with a very rich Taiwanese client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him.

Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her; “Don’t reject the guy outright.” So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.

So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, “I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara.”

The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, “No problem!! I buy. I buy.”

Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man, “I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine county in France.”

The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, “Okay, okay. I build, I build.”

Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she’d better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, “Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis.”

The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he’s muttering something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman, “Okay, okay. I cut. I cut!”

“In some countries,” said the geography teacher, “Men are allowed more than one wife. That’s called polygamy.”

“In other countries, women are allowed more than one husband. That’s called polyandry.”

“In this country, men and women are allowed only one married partner.”

“Can anyone tell me what that’s called?”

A student replied, “Monotony, sir!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

An old man went to the doctor. He said, “Doctor, I was wondering if you could help me. My wife and I are not getting the same amount of pleasure from sex that we used to.”. The doctor looked at the wrinkled old man in surprise, and said, “Can I ask you how old you are, sir?”. “I’m 87.”, said the old man. “87!”, exclaimed the doctor, “How old is your wife?”. “She’s 92.”, was the reply. The doctor was astonished by this, and said, “So let me make sure that I understand this right. You are 87, and your wife is 92 and you are worried that you don’t get as much pleasure from sex as you used to?”. “That is correct.” said the old man, “What can you do to help me?”. “Well,” said the doctor, “when did you first notice this problem?”.

The old man looked thoughtful, “I noticed it first last night, but then twice this morning.”

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, “My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!” As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed. He said, “My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?” The guy says, “Listen, I don’t want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!”