Category: relationships

An old man and his wife go boating on the river one day. When they reach a fork in the river, the man asks his wife, “Up or down?”

His wife immediately takes off all her clothes and they spend the rest of the afternoon making love in the boat.

The next week they again go boating on the river. When they reach the fork in the river, the man again asks his wife, “Up or down?” But this time she merely answers, “Down.”

Puzzled, the man asks her why she took off all her clothes and made love to him when he asked her the same question before.

She replies that last week she wasn’t wearing her hearing aid and thought he said “Fuck or drown.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing

To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn’t succeed more often:

We will wake the kids – 54 times

It’s too late – 15 times

I’m too tired – 42 times

It’s too early – 12 times

It’s too hot – 18 times

Pretending to be asleep – 31 times

The neighbors will hear – 9 times

Headache or backache – 26 times

Sunburn – 10 times

Your mother will hear us – 9 times

Not in the mood – 21 times

Watching the late show – 17 times

Too sore – 26 times

New hairdo – 6 times

Wrong time of the month – 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom – 19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let’s try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby

**********************

To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn’t get more than you did this past year:

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat – 23 times

Did not come home at all – 36 times

Did not come – 21 times

Came too soon – 38 times

Went soft before you got it in – 19 times

Cramps in your leg – 16 times

Working too late – 33 times

You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat – 29 times

Caught yourself in your zipper – 15 times

You had a cold and your nose kept running – 21 times

You had burned your tongue on hot coffee – 9 times

You had a splinter in your finger – 11 times

You lost the notion after thinking about it – 42 times

Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book – 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn’t want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling.

What I said was, “Would you like me on my back or kneeling?” The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your “shortcomings?”

Love, Your Wife

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.

She lies down on the bed… just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she’s thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more.
Again a train shakes the room so violently, she’s pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager.
The manager says he’ll be right up.

The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.
“Look… lie here on the bed — you’ll be thrown right to the floor!”
So he lies down next to the wife.

Just then the husband walks in. “What,” he says, “are you doing here!?!”

The manager calmly replies, “Would you believe I’m waiting for a train?”

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight,” he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it, to find a book entitled, “The Meaning of Dreams.”

Submitted by Tantilazing
Edited by Curtis

A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income.

The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or problems.

A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband.

The husband told her to tell the client $100. She went back and informed the client at which he cried, “That’s too much!” He then asked, “How much for a handjob?” She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much.

The husband said “Ask for $40.” The woman ran back and informed the client. He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that the man was well hung.

She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner again at which her husband asked “Now what?” The wife replied “Can I borrow $60?”

Right now I’m working on something that’s going to make me a fortune.

A marriage license that self-destructs

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teenage daughters. The parents decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife became pregnant, and sure enough, nine months later she delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child.

“Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.”
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, “Have you been fooling around on me?!”

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, “Not this time.”

Joe Neanderthal was banging two pieces of flint together trying to start a
fire, when his wife came running up.
“Joe, Joe�, she cried. “A saber-toothed tiger is chasing my mother.”
“So,” said Joe. “Why should I care what happens to a Toothed-toothed tiger?”

Larry’s barn burned down and his wife, Susan called the insurance company.

Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, “We had that barn insured for fifty thousand dollars, and I want my money.”

The agent replied, “Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we’ll provide you with a new barn of similar worth.”

There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, “If that’s how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband.”

Submitted by Tantilazing
Edited by Curtis

She offered her honor, He honored her offer, And so all night long,
it was on-her and off-er!

A couple were celebrating their Golden wedding anniversary.

Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

“Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,” explained the husband. “we visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.”

“We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s mule stumbled. My wife quietly said ‘That’s once.’

“We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, ‘That’s twice.’

“We hadn’t gone a half mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule in the head.

“I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, ‘That’s once.’ ”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.

9. Today is our what?

8. Okay, let’s celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?

7. I thought we only celebrated important events?

6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.

5. You don’t like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.

4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here’s a $5 gift certificate for McDonald’s.

3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.

2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I’ll take you to Pizza Hut if it’ll shut ya up.

1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.