Category: relationships

Early in the morning, a man set out for a fishing trip. Before he left his
wife said, “Stay home. It’s raining out there, and windy.”
The husband did not answer, and walked out. When he was in the street,
downpour and strong wind make him shudder. He walked a couple of blocks, but
then decided the weather was too bad indeed, so he turned back. He walked into
his apartment, undressed and dove into the bed.
“What a dog’s weather,” he said, still shuddering.
“Yes,” the wife said. “Such weather and my idiot left for a fishing trip.”

Mrs. Whembleton decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant.”

“But, Madam, you are not wearing any of those things.”

“True enough,” said Mrs. Whembleton. “If I should predecease my dear husband I know he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go stark raving mad looking for the jewelry!”

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph.
The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, “Honey, I know we’ve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.”

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, “I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and he’s a better lover than you.”

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.

She says, “I want the house.” Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, “I want the kids too.” The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he’s up to 80 mph.

She says, “I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too.” The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, “Is there anything you want?”
The husband says, “No, I’ve got everything I need right here.”

She asks, “What’s that?”

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph…
“I’ve got the airbag!”

A woman, completely fed up with her husbands AOL obsession finally takes matter into her own hands.

One night as he is sitting at the computer, she goes into the bedroom, takes off all her clothes, puts on a full length fur coat and she posts herself between her husband and his monitor.

She pulls open the jacket and yells, “Time for Super Sex”!!!!!.

He ignores her. So, she repeatedly yells, “Super Sex” “Super Sex” “Super Sex”.

Finally, he replies, “Ok, I’ll take the soup.”

One day I was shopping at my local drugstore when I noticed a
new face behind the pharmaceutical counter. She was drop dead
gorgeous and a beutiful set of tits to match. Well it didn’t
take a minute to turn on the flirt and ask this chick out for
that very evening.
I approach her parents home to be greeted by
her dad who is suspiciouslly pleased to meet me. I go on to
realize a minute later why he was so pleased. What I couldn’t
have realized from the drug store floor was that Vicky suffered
paraylazation from the waist down. Without hesitation or suprise
I pretended I knew all along not to upset Vicky.
Okay movie, dinner and yada yada yada and we
wind up at look out point. I’m figuring if I luck out, blow job!
I hit the jackpot, this bitch lets me tie her to the tree to
bang her!!!
I get her home and kiss goodnight, going back to
my car her father approaches and hands me a hundred dollar bill.
I refuse saying I really didn’t mind and It wouldn’t be right
for me to accept money just for taking out someone who was
handicapped.
He retorts no this is a thank you for saving me the
15th trip of having to go unttie her from that tree!!!!!

Ways to annoy the person sitting next to you in a public library!

1. Read out loud. Very loud. And slowly.

2. While pointing to a very simple word, like ‘the’, ask the person next to you if he/she can pronounce it for you.

3. While looking at your book, turn so you?re facing the person. Then, peer over the top of your book, and say “PEEKABOO!!”

4. Put down you book, and look over and start reading the other persons book, and, either 1) say “Ooo. Nice book.” or 2) when he/she looks at you, quickly pick up your book and act like your reading it.

5. Suddenly look over at him/her, and say, “You?re one of THEM!”

6. Put down you book, and look at him/her. When he/she says something, like “what?” then cut them off by saying “Are you accusing me of something?!?”

7. Read your book. Upside down.

8. Read your book from right to left. And flip the pages the same way.

9. Flip the page every two or so seconds.

10. Pick up your book, put it down, and say, “Wow. That was a good book.”

11. Read silently, and then as if speaking to the character in your book, say, “No, Jim! It’s a trap! Don’t do it!!” Then turn to the person and reply solemnly, “He did it.” when he/she looks at you.

12. Turn to the person and ask, “Have you ever experienced d�j� vu and amnesia at the same time?”

13. Start arguing with yourself, then when he/she looks at you funny, say “Ohh, I’m sorry. I was just telling my subconscious to be quiet.”

14. Sit down, and then say to the person next to you, “Hi! My name’s (…) and I’m really glad to meet you.”

15. Ask him/her if he/she knew there are eddies in the space/time continuum.

16. Ask him/her what species he/she is.

17. Every so often, yelp in pain, and look at your feet.

18. Bring a bag or purse, and peer into it and say, “Got enough air in their?” or, “Settle down in there. I’m trying to read!”

19. Ask them what their name is, and then when they start to reply, cut them off by saying, “No it isn’t!”

20. Break the silence by making a bodily function noise, then say, “Wow! That was a good one!”

21. Every time the person next to you turns the page, make a strange sound, or a beep.

22. Announce the page number each time you turn a page.

23. Constantly shift in your seat, and if the person next to you asked what is wrong, reply by saying, “I’m constipated. Hehe.”

24. Spell every single word as you read it.

25. Chew gum with your mouth open, and smack your lips while reading.

26. Act like you?re picking your nose. And eating it.

27. Snort loudly, and gargle with your spit.

28. Sneeze a lot.

29. Hold your book right next to your eyes.

30. Every few minutes, get up out of your chair, walk around the table, and sit back down.

31. Stand up, and continue reading.

32. Make a strange sound every few minutes, then act like you didn?t do it.

33. Bring a bag of cat food, and start snacking on it.

34. Bring a box of crunchy cereal, a bowl, and a spoon. Then dig in messily, and crunch on it.

35. Ask them, Got milk?

36. Read out loud attempting to pronounce easy words. Butcher them badly. But be able to pronounce hard words.

37. Fall out of your seat, then say, I meant to do that. Then do it again. And again.

38. Bring a laptop, and turn up the sound, and play a very noisy game.

39. Wear too many sweaters, and complain how hot it is.

40. Bring one of those fans with a squirt bottle attached, and make it look like you?re attempting to squirt yourself, but hit them instead.

41. Bring a bottle of squirtable mouth freshener, and miss every time you try to spray it into your mouth.

42. Wear A LOT of putrid smelling cologne or perfume.

43. Spill that same cologne or perfume on their book.

44. Put down your book, then say, Hey, ya wanna trade?

45. Bring a recording of very obnoxious music, and hide it in a bag. Turn it up full blast, and accuse them of having it. Keep accusing them, then get the librarian to come. When they find it in your bag, yell, IT WAS PLANTED ON ME I TELL YOU!!!!! IT?S NOT MY FAULT!! IT?S A GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY!! ALIENS BEAMED IT INTO MY BAG!!! IT?S BECAUSE I DIDN?T LET THEM DO EXPERIMENTS ON ME!!

46. Without looking away from your book, say to no one in particular, I know what you did last summer.

47. Bring a piece of bread, and drop pieces of it down the little hole in the center of the table meant for cords.

48. While reading your book, start humming a single note until you?re out of breath, then collapse on the floor. Then get back up, and continue reading like nothing happened.

49. Start singing This is the song that never ends.

50. While placing small pieces of bread in a line, count one, two, three. . ., and lose count every ten or so.

51. Bring a recording of a popular song. Play it on headphones quietly, but sing along very badly. Then say to the person next to you, I took singing lessons!

52. Turn to the person sitting next to you and say to them, Hey! How ya doin?? That?s great, me too.

53. Instead of a laptop, bring your entire computer!

54. While working at a laptop, suddenly stand up, and announce to every one, I have mail!!

55. Start staring at the person, and when you have their attention, announce, I measure sock by thickness!

what do you call daniel when he is looking at you? and ugly person vernita

A woman came to work with a black eye.
“Who did you that?”
“Husband.”
“We thought he was on a business trip.”
“That’s what I thought too.”

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts!”

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Ten minutes later, he says, “Get me another beer before it starts!”

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute!”

The wife is furious. She yells at him “Is that all you’re going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore…”

The man sighs and says, “It’s started…”

Q: Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Two guys were talking at work.
“I’ve got a problem,” said the first one.
“What is it?”
“My wife has done it to me again. I’m supposed to buy my mother-in-law a
present for her birthday, from the two of us. And I am fresh out of ideas. I
mean it’s HER mother, why can’t she buy it?”
“What did you buy her last year?” the other one asked.
“Last year I bought her a VERY EXPENSIVE cemetery plot.”
“Hmmmm, hard to top that one,” said the other.
The two guys couldn’t come up with anything. So the son-in-law didn’t buy his
mother-in-law anything for her birthday.
When the big day arrived the next weekend, she was a bit upset. At the family
gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, “Thank you all
for the wonderful gifts. Too bad my daughter and son-in-law weren’t so
thoughtful!”
Thinking quickly, the son-in-law responded, “Well, you haven’t
used the gift I gave you last year!”

After the wedding:
– You know, honey, I can’t give up my maiden habits at once.
– It is not necessary! You may continue to take your father’s money.