Category: relationships

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

“Well, it was like this,” said the man, “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife’s golf ball–stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.”

“What did you do?” asks the doctor.

“Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, ‘Hey, this looks like yours!'”

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, ‘Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!’

Martha replies, ‘Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?’

The man responds, ‘I don’t care. Just so long as you’re out of the house by noon!’

• How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free.
• The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
• Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
• At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.”
• Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
• A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” And the father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
• Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
• Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.”
• After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”
• A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”
• When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. -Sacha Guitry
• Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. – Jackie Mason
• Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

On the first evening of their honeymoon, they are sitting on the balcony of the hotel while the sun is setting. “Honey,” she says, “now that we’re married, will you tell me what a penis is?”

He almost fell off the chair when he heard her ask. So, being her husband, he led her into their room and took his pants off. “*This*, my love, is a penis.” he told her.

“Oh!” she exclaimed. “It looks like a dick, but only much smaller!”

There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who could foresee the future. One night while saying his prayers, the little boy was heard to finish, “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa.” The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack.

A few weeks later, the little boy was praying, “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma.” The next day his poor grandmother was hit by a bus while crossing the street — she never felt a thing.

A month or so later, the little boy was praying and said, “God bless Mommy, goodbye Daddy.”

His father panicked. He had himself driven, very carefully and slowly, to work, by an armed guard in an armored security truck he hired. He couldn’t concentrate, however, thinking about those words, “Goodbye Daddy.” He finally came home early, but very carefully.

He was met at the front door by his wife, who said, “What do you think happened today, dear? The most awful thing — the milkman dropped dead on the back porch.”

A couple was celebrating their 25th anniversary, and really doing it up the same as 25 years ago.

They renewed their vows with the same minister who had married them, had a reception in the same hall and went to the same hotel for their second honeymoon.

They were even in the same room as they were getting undressed for bed, she said to him, “Isn’t this romantic? I don’t want to change anything.”

He said: “Well. There is one thing I would like to change. Remember how the first time you saw me naked you cried because it was so big? Well, honey, after twenty-five years of marriage and three children, now it’s my turn.”

“Honey,” said the husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home to supper.”

“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn’t go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!”

“I know all that.”

“Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”

“Because the poor fool is thinking of getting married!”

Submitted by ���rt��
Edited by BreeBrown

Return your keysBefore a friend’s wedding reception, we passed out keys (blanks) to several girls and one guy. Before some toasts were made, the best man said to the guests, “Now that Jim is married and is no longer available, it is probably a good idea to have any of you girls out there with a key to his apartment to please turn it in now.” Then the pre-selected girls (about thirty of them) slowly walked up and handed in their keys as they made bedroom-eyes at him and flirted a bit; some of the girls would turn in not just one key, but six or seven of them. Then the guy walked up, turned in the key, and kissed the groom on the cheek. It’s probably not original, but it worked pretty well.

Dan: “I’m a man of few words.”

Loz: “Yeah, I’m married, too!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A man had a habit of munching on dry dog biscuits while watching TV and it drove his wife nuts.

She tried to discourage him but he saw nothing wrong with it.

One day the wife was at the doctor’s and asked him if her husband’s habit could be harmful.

The Doc told her it could kill him, explaining that pet food isn’t held to the same standards as human food, there could be insects or rodent droppings in it, etc., etc.

She came home and told him but he said, “If it’s good enough for Rover, it’s good enough for me.”

A few weeks later the doctor noticed the man’s obituary. He called on the widow to offer his condolences and had to ask if it was the dog biscuits that killed him.

She said, “Not exactly but it probably contributed to it. You see, he was walking across the road and stopped to lick his balls and a lorry ran over him.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

“My husband’s just opened a store.”

“Really? How’s he doing?”

“Six months. He opened it with a crowbar.”

Submitted by Frodo
Edited by Yisman

Early in the morning, a man set out for a fishing trip. Before he left his
wife said, “Stay home. It’s raining out there, and windy.”
The husband did not answer, and walked out. When he was in the street,
downpour and strong wind make him shudder. He walked a couple of blocks, but
then decided the weather was too bad indeed, so he turned back. He walked into
his apartment, undressed and dove into the bed.
“What a dog’s weather,” he said, still shuddering.
“Yes,” the wife said. “Such weather and my idiot left for a fishing trip.”