Category: relationships

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after
exercising. Suddenly, a cell phone that was on one of the
benches, rings. A man picks it up and here is the conversation:

“Hello?”
“Honey, it’s me.”
“Sugar!”
“Are you at the club?”
“Yes,”
“Great! I’m at the mall and I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is
absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?”
“What’s the price?”
“Only $1,500.”
“Well, go ahead and get it if you like it that much.”
“And I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001
models. There’s one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman
and he gave me a great price and since we need to exchange the
BMW that we bought last year…”
“What price did he quote you for?”
“Only $60,000.”
“OK, but for that price I want all the options.”
“Oh, honey, that’s wonderful! Before we hang up, there’s one
more thing.”
“What is it?”
“I went to see the real estate agent this morning and saw the
house we had looked at last year. It’s on sale!. Remember? The
one with a pool, English garden, acre of parking area,
beachfront property…”
“How much are they asking?”
“Just $450,000. It’s a magnificent price and I see that we have
just enough money in the bank to buy it.”
“Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?”
“OK, sweetie. Thanks! I’ll see you later! I love you!!”
“Bye. I love you, too.”

The man hangs up the phone and holds it up asking, “Does anyone
know who this phone belongs to?”

The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.

Joe was not a very romantic person, and furthermore he was rather stupid. But he wanted to impress his wife, so he took her out for an anniversary dinner and watched the couples around them, following their leads.

He observed the couple next to him. The man lifted a sugar shaker towards his wife’s cup and said, “Sugar, sugar?” Joe thought this was great and continued to listen around the dining room.
Another table over Joe observed the following. A man spooned out some honey out of a bowl for his wife and asked, “Honey, honey?”
Again Joe thought this was good stuff.

Finally, he cut off a piece of his meat, stared longingly into his young wife’s eyes and said, “Ham, pig?”

Three men are sitting at a bar and each admits that he thinks his wife is cheating on him.

“I found a hammer and a tool belt under my bed yesterday,” the first man says. “I think my wife is sleeping with a carpenter.”

“Well, I found a medical bag under my bed yesterday,” the second man admits. “I think my wife is sleeping with a doctor.”

“That’s nothing,” the third man says. “When I came home yesterday, I found a cowboy under my bed.I think my wife is screwing a horse.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds then it comes crashing back down. He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, “You need more tail.”

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, “Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.

There are four kinds of sex involved in a marriage.

The first is Smurf Sex…
This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until you’re blue in the face.

The second is Kitchen Sex…
This is at the beginning of the marriage; you’ll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen.

The third kind is Bedroom Sex…
You’ve calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

The fourth kind is Hallway Sex…
This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, “Fuck you!”

There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex…
This is when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court!

Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words.

One day he met a beautiful princess. She had ruby lips, golden hair and sapphire eyes. He fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say “my darling”. But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. So he waited three more years without speaking, bringing the total number of silent years to 5.

But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.

Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, “My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?”

The princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said: “Pardon?”

Little brother: Look, Sis, I’ve got a pack of cards.
Big sister: Big deal!

A woman went to see a sex therapist with a peculiar problem.

“My husband,” she said, “always falls asleep with his erect penis inside of me.”

“Is that a problem?” asked the therapist.

“Well,” she said, “the problem is he walks in his sleep!”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.”

She replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Reviewed by Tantilazing

After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment,
my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight
siblings and me – all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us
entered the cramped customs area.
A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, “Ma’am,” he said,
“does all these children and this luggage belongs to you?”
“Yes, sir,” my mother said with a sigh. “They’re all mine.”
The customs agent began his interrogation: “Ma’am, do you have any weapons,
contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?”
“Sir,” she calmly answered, “if I’d had any of those items, I would have used
them by now.”
The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase.

A man visited a woman when her husband was at work. Unexpectedly the husband
came home earlier than usual. As the husband rang the bell, the lover panicked,
but the woman said calmly, “Don’t be nervous. Just dress and wait a minute.”
Then she picked up a garbage can from the kitchen, walked to the entrance,
opened the door and said, “Darling, before taking off your coat, would you
please carry out this garbage?” Before the husband returned, the lover had
dressed and left the apartment unnoticed. As he walked home, he thought, “What a
smart woman. My chicken of a wife would never come up with such an idea.”
He came to the door of his apartment, rang the bell, his wife appeared in the
doorway and said, “Darling, before taking off your coat, would you please carry
out this garbage?”