Category: relationships

A couple’s happy married life almost went on the rocks because of the presencein the household of old Aunt Emma. For seven long years she lived with them, always crotchety, always demanding. Finally the old girl died.On the way back from the cemetery, the husband confessed to his wife, Darling,if I didn’t love you so much, I don’t think I would have put up with having your Aunt Emma in the house all those years.His wife looked at him aghast. *My* Aunt Emma! she cried. I thought she was *your* Aunt Emma

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. – Groucho Marx

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. – Groucho Marx

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. – Groucho Marx

Politics doesn’t make strange bedfellows, marriage does. – Groucho Marx

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. – Jackie Mason

Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands… but English women only hope to find in their butlers. – W. Somerset Maugham

There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage. – James Holt McGavran

Marriage was all a woman’s idea and for man’s acceptance of the pretty yoke, it becomes us to be grateful. – Phyllis McGinley

Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. – H. L. Mencken

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn’t, they’d be married too. – H. L. Mencken

We must respect the other fellow’s religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart. – H.L. Mencken

Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another. – H. L. Mencken

Love is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for those who have had any experience with them. – H. L. Mencken

Man is a natural polygamist. He always has one woman leading him by the nose and another hanging on to his coattails. – H. L. Mencken

Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage, they are giving evidence at an inquest. – H. L. Mencken

Love cures people, both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it. – Dr. Karl Menninger

A lover tries to stand in well with the pet dog of the house. – Moliere

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out. – Montaigne

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. – Montaigne

If a relationship is to evolve, it must go through a series of endings. – Lisa Moriyama, July 3, 1989

A husband is a guy who tells you when you’ve got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick. – Ogden Nash

To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up. – Ogden Nash

A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. – Nietzsche

Love matches, so called, have illusion for their father and need for their mother. – Neitzsche

Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. – PJ O’Rourke

No woman marries for money; they are all clever enough, before marrying a millionaire, to fall in love with him first. – Cesare Pavese

A White House well filled, a little peanut field well tilled, and a wife who will go to the Bronx are great riches. – Poor Jimmy’s Almanac

It doesn’t much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out next morning it was someone else. – Rogers

A husband is what’s left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. – Helen Rowland

When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one. – Helen Rowland

When you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living. – Helen Rowland

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still very much practiced. – Helen Rowland

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. – Rita Rudner

If you never want to see a man again, say, “I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children…”; they leave skid marks. – Rita Rudner

Happy Vasectomy, Eric. Your loving wife and children: Chris, Aida, George, Carol, Yolanda, Joan, Shirley, Susan, Anita, Aileen, Jackie, Shelia, Bruce, Dean, Frank and Maxine. – Rolling Stone Classified Ad

Don’t marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. – Scottish Proverb

What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly.

For example:

1 – “What are you thinking?”

The proper answer to this question, of course is, “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you.” Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:

a – Baseball b – Football c – How fat you are d – How much prettier she is than you e – How he would spend the insurance money if you died

According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. “If I wanted you to know,” Al said, “I’d be talking instead of thinking.”

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:

2 – “Do you love me?”

The correct answer to this question is, “Yes.” For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, “Yes, dear.” Wrong answers include:

a – I suppose so. b – Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c – That depends on what you mean by “love”. d – Does it matter? e – Who, me?

3 – “Do I look fat?”

The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, “No, of course not” and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:

a – I wouldn’t call you fat, but I wouldn’t call you thin either. b – Compared to what? c – A little extra weight looks good on you. d – I’ve seen fatter. e – Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

4 – “Do you think she’s prettier than me?”

The “she” in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, “No, you are much prettier.” Wrong answers include:

a – Not prettier, just pretty in a different way. b – I don’t know how one goes about rating such things. c – Yes, but I bet you have a better personality. d – Only in the sense that she’s younger and thinner. e – Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

5 – “What would you do if I died?”

Correct answer: “Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino’s Pizza truck that came my way.” This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid exchange:

“Dear,” said the wife. “What would you do if I died?” “Why, dear, I would be extremely upset,” said the husband.”Why do you ask such a question?” “Would you remarry?” persevered the wife. “No, of course not, dear” said the husband. “Don’t you like being married?” said the wife. “Of course I do, dear” he said. “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?” “Alright,” said the husband, “I’d remarry.” “You would?” said the wife, looking vaguely hurt. “Yes” said the husband. “Would you sleep with her in our bed?” said the wife after a long pause. “Well yes, I suppose I would.” replied the husband. “I see,” said the wife indignantly. “And would you let her wear my old clothes? “I suppose, if she wanted to” said the husband. “Really,” said the wife icily. “And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?” “Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do.” “Is that so?” said the wife, leaping to her feet. “And I suppose you’d let her play with my golf clubs, too.” “Of course not, dear,” said the husband. “She’s left-handed…”

A woman was telling her friend , “It is I who made my husband a millionaire.”

“And what was he before you married him.” Asked the friend.

The wife replied, ” A billionaire”.

What did the Indian say to the mermaid?????
How?

One Sunday morning Joe burst into the living room and said, “Dad, Mom, I have
some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in
town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, Joe’s dad took him aside, “Son, I have to talk with you. Your
mother and I have been married 30 years. She’s a wonderful wife but she has
never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with
women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry
her.”
Joe was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls
again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, “Dianne said yes!
We are getting married in June.”
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad
news. “Diane is your half-sister too, Joe, I am very sorry about this.”
Joe was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.
“Dad has done so much harm. I guess I am never going to get married”, he
complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my
half-sister.”
His mother just shook her head. “Don’t pay any attention to what he says,
dear. He’s not really your father.”

The wealthy wife of a very successful businessman went to the
portrait artist for her first sitting. The portrait, a gift for
her husband. She explained to the artist what she wanted, “You
should paint me like I am. These little wrinkles, you put them
on your canvas. The lines under my eyes, the flab on my arms,
the turn in my nose, and the mole on my cheek, they all
stay….BUT on my hands you put lots of rings with big diamonds
and emeralds and bright jewels. Around my neck you put chains of
gold and diamonds. Do you understand?”

The artist looked at her in earnest and asked why she should
want such detail of real life in her physical appearance, but
adorn herself with the phony jewelry.

She replied, “When I die my husband will re-marry. The new wife,
she should go crazy looking for the jewels.”

Girl your so fine i wish i could plant you and have a whole bunch of yall

A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.The officer looked at the guy’s photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him.”Yes, please” she replied. “Tell him Mother didn’t come after all.”

A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide. One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.

“Yes, but you know how I love to fish…”

“But aren’t you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?”

“Yes, but she’s got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish”

A few hours later, “I understand, but that’s not the only way to have sex.”

“I know, but she’s got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish…”

The following day: “Sure, but that’s still not the only way to have sex.”

“Yeah, but she’s got phyrrea(mouth rot); and you know how I love to fish…”

Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated: “I guess I’m not sure why you’d marry someone with health problems like that.”

“It’s ’cause she’s also got worms; and you know I just love to fish…”

A couple was celebrating their 25th anniversary, and really doing it up the same as 25 years ago. They renewed their vows with the same minister who had married them, had a reception in the same hall and went to the same hotel for their second honeymoon. They were even in the same room as they were getting undressed for bed, she said to him, “Isn’t this romantic? I don’t want to change anything.” He said: “Well. There is one thing I would like to change. Remember how the first time you saw me naked you cried because it was so big? Well, honey, after twenty-five years of marriage and three children, now it’s my turn.”

A man and a woman had been dating for about a year and their relationship was taking a turn towards getting serious.

The man proposed and she accepted, however she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest was just like a baby’s.

He said that he loved her and that her measurements didn’t matter to him. He also told her that his penis was also like a baby.

She said that she loved him and size didn’t matter.

Come the day of the wedding and all went well. That night the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at the resort hotel.

The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie. Her husband was in the bed waiting.

As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like a baby.

“Don’t worry honey,” he said.

She took her nightgown off and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen.

He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his penis being like a baby.

As he took his pants off the new bride said, “Good God All Mighty. I thought you said your penis was like a baby!”

“It is,” he said. “9 pounds and 21 inches long!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman