Category: relationships

I. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt squeeze no others before me.

II. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Squeeze in vain, nor badmouth me behind my back.

III. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy. Or else.

IV. Honor MY mother and father. THINE are too darned weird.

V. Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily and making me embarrassed to be seen with thee.

VI. Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about it if thou knowest what’s good for thee.

VII. Thou shalt not steal from my purse/wallet while I am in thy bathroom, nor use my credit cards, nor make long-distance calls from my telephone.

VIII. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends.

IX. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor’s house.

X. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s Squeeze, nor son or daughter, nor stereo, nor BMW.

Fred had not been feeling well, so he went to his long time doctor. The doctor did some tests and walked back into the room. “Fred, I have some bad news for you, and I really don’t know how to tell you. I’ve rerun all the tests and double checked the results. You are going to die of cancer. There is no cure for what you have. You have about 6 to 8 weeks to live.” “Well Doc, I am glad you told me straight out though. Now I can get all my personal affairs in order.” The doctor felt badly about Fred and the next day was at the gym when he heard two guys talking. “Did you hear about Fred?” “Yeah, I heard that he is dying of AIDS!” This really upset the doctor and he rushed over to a telephone to call Fred. “Hello Fred? Did you understand what I told you yesterday?” “Of course Doc. I am dying of cancer and have 6 to 8 weeks to live.” “But I just heard two of your friends say you were dying of AIDS.” “Yeah Doc, I know. You see, after I am gone, I don’t want anyone screwing my wife!”

A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put “Happy Thanksgiving” under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with “Merry Christmas” up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says “if you don’t mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?”

She says “I’m sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there’s nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.”

– A person who can’t remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone
number.
– A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before
breakfast.
– A youngster who receives her allowance on Monday, spends it on
Tuesday, and borrows it from her best friend on Wednesday.
– Someone who can hear his favorite singer 3 blocks away but not his mother
calling from the next room.
– A whiz that can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can’t make
a bed.
– A student who spends 12 minutes studying history and 12 hours studying for
her driver’s license.
– A connoisseur of 2 kinds of fine music–loud and very loud.
– An enthusiast who has the energy to bike for miles but is usually too tired
to dry the dishes.
– A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates the brother.
– A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.
– A budding beauty that never smiles until her braces come off.
– A boy who can sleep till noon on any Saturday he suspects the lawn needs
mowing.
– An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a
teenager.

How do you know if a man has a really ugly wife?

Her pet name is Spot.

Especially hrony one night, Mark rolled over and nuzzled his wife.

“How about it, honey…?” he asked tenderly.

“Oh, Mark, I’ve got an appointment with the gynecologist tomorrow,” said his wife, going on to explain that the doctor had requested that she abstain from intercourse for twenty-four hours before an appointment.

Sam signed deeply and turned over to his side of the bed. A few minutes later he rolled back and asked hopefully, “You don’t have a dentist appointment too, do you?”

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, “I’ve found a man just like father!”

Her mother replied, “So what do you want from me, sympathy?”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word.
She pauses, reflects and then says, “Well, then, let it read, ‘Billy Bob died’.”

Amused at the woman’s thrift, the editor says, “Sorry ma’am, there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries.”

Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, “In that case, let it read, ‘Billy Bob died – 1983 Pick-up for sale.'”

This couple was getting ready to go to bed and when the husband came in from the bathroom his wife was rubbing this cream all over her tits. He said “what the hell are you doing”.

She said she was unhappy about the size of her breasts and this cream was supposed to make them larger. “But it really doesn’t seem to be working” she said.

The husband said “wait a minute I have an idea”. So he went into the bathroom and came back with a roll of toilet paper and started rubbing it all over her tits.

She said “what are you doing”?

He said “well, I figured you have been wiping your ass with this for years and look how big it has gotten”!

There was a man who had memory loss. His wife got so fed up with him that she decided to take him to a doctor to help him remember things.

A few weeks later the man was out of the hospital and his wife felt he had made a big improvement.

A few days later they decided to celebrate so they invited their parents over for dinner. The man’s father asked what the doctor’s name was.

The man replied, “What’s the name of that flower with a long stem and little thorns on it?”

His dad looked confused and said, “Rose?”

“Yes that’s it… Hey, Rose… what�s the name of my doctor?”

Why do men always want their brides to wear white?

Because they want their dish washer to match their fridge and stove.

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Calamjo

A monastery in the English countryside had fallen on hard times, and decided
to establish a business to defray their expenses, such as a bakery or winery.
Being English, however, they decided to open a fish-and-chips restaurant. The
establishment soon became very popular, attracting people from all over. One
city fellow, thinking himself clever, asked one of the brothers standing nearby,
“I suppose you’re the ‘fish friar’?” “No”, answered the brother levelly, “I’m
the ‘chip monk”.