Category: relationships

a little boy and girl were playing one day when the little boy opens his pants and says,bet you dont have one of these!The little girl lifts her skirt,looks down,begins to cry then runs home to her mother.The next day,the little girl approaches the boy,lifts her skirt and with a big grin states:My mommy told me with one of these i can get all of those i want!

If it’s true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings!

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully
enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the
back of his head with a huge frying pan.

Man: “What was that for?”

Wife: “What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
Marylou written on it?”

Man: “Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races?
Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.”

The wife looked all satisfied and goes off to work around the house.

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she
repeats the frying pan swatting.

Man: “What the hell was that for this time?”

Wife: “Your horse called.”

Wife: The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs.

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. he finally finds one for a great
price, but it’s missing a seal, so whenever it rains, he has to smear vaseline
over the spot where the seal should be.

his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. he rides his
new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him. “no matter what
happens at dinner tonight, don’t say a word.” she tells him, “our family had a
fight awhile ago about doing dishes. we haven’t done any since, but the first
person to speak at dinner has to do them.”

steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. dishes are
piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. so steve
decides to have a little fun. he grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table,
and has sex with her in front of her parents. his girlfriend is a little
flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back
down, but no one says a word.

a few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table, and does a
repeat performance. now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her
mother is a little happier. but still there is complete silence at the table.

all of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. steve
remembers his motorcycle. he jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline. when he
witnesses this, his girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and screams,
“okay, enough already, i’ll do the f****** dishes!”

When we were dating, my husband used to always tell me those three magic words, “I love you”. Now that we are married, those three magic words have become, “What’s for dinner?”

When we were dating, my husband would gently rub me with hot oil while he affectionately called me lovely nicknames. Now that we are married, he gently rubs his car with hot wax, which now has its own pet nickname.

When we were dating, my husband would always love to watch me undress. Now that we are married, he loves to watch championship wrestling.

When we were dating, my husband read poetry to me as he caressed me in his arms late into the night. Now that we are married, he quotes me sports statistics and stock prices during breakfast.

When we were dating, my husband would passionately motivate and urge me on in whatever I did, whether it was at my job or during sex. Now that we are married, the only thing he passionately urges on is his favorite football team.

When we were dating, my husband would make love to me on his waterbed like a sex-starved wild beast who would go on and on. So we called the bed our “Ocean Of Motion Love Potion”. Now that we are married, the bed has been renamed “The Dead Sea”.

A man calls his mother in Florida. “Mom, how are you?”
“Not too good,” says the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”
The son says, “Why are you so weak?”
She says, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”
The man says, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”
The mother answers, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be full of food if you
should call.”

Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy.

“What would you say if I told you that I’ve been sleeping with your best friend?” she asked provocatively.

“Well,” he mused, “I’d have to say that you’re a lesbian!”

Larry and Dorothy were having their usual loud and endless argument about
family reunions. At last, Fred relented. “I’m awfully sorry, Sweetheart. I
didn’t mean all those hateful things I said about your family. As a matter of
fact, I like your mother-in-law a whole lot better than I do mine.”

There was this old guy wandering around in a supermarket calling out at intervals – “Crisco? Crisco? CRIS–CO!!!!”

Finally a store clerk approached. “Sir, the Crisco is on aisle five.”

“Oh,” replied the old guy, “I’m not looking for Crisco, I’m calling my wife.”

“Your wife is named ‘Crisco?”‘

“Nah,” he answered, “I only call her that when we come to the supermarket.”

“Oh? What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?

“Lard Ass!”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

A man says to his wife “darling I would love to have sex with you tonight.”

She replies, “please don’t ask like that, especially in front of the children. When you want to have sex, say something like ‘is the washing machine working tonight’ and only you and I will know what you mean.”

The next day the man says to his wife “is the washing machine working tonight dear” to which she replies “no, its broken.”

A couple of days later he asks “that washing machine, is it working now” to which she replies “no, its still broken.”

A week later he asks “has the washing machine been repaired” to which she replies “no, but the repairman may be here next week to fix it.”

The following week the wife says to her husband “darling, the washing machine has been repaired and its working perfectly” to which the husband replies “don’t worry now, I only had a small load so I did it by hand.”

Two women were digging in the garden. One pulls out a two foot carrot. She says, “This one reminds me of my husband’s.” The second woman says, “Your husbands is that long?” “No that dirty.”