Category: relationships

John got off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date’s door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said. “I’ll be ready in a few minutes,” she said. “Why don’t you play with Spot, my dog, while you’re waiting?” He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he’ll jump through.” The dog followed John onto the balcony and started rolling over. John made a hoop with his arms and Spot jumped through–over the balcony railing. Just then John’s date walked out. “Isn’t Spot the cutest, happiest dog you’ve ever seen?” “To tell the the truth, ” he replied, “Spot seemed a little depressed to me!”

I’m suffering from bad breath
you should do something about it!
I did.
I just sent my wife to the dentist.

The Yuppie was accosted by a hooker. She said, “How ’bout some relaxing oral sex honey… only $50… you look all uptight.”

“No way!” the man responded. “I’m married!!!”

“So???” queried the hooker.

“My wife will do it for $35.” he replied.

Two men are sitting on a riverbank fishing. Suddenly, they look up and see a funeral procession going over the nearby bridge. One of the men takes off his cap and solemnly holds it over his heart.

“That was a nice gesture,” says the other man

“Oh”, replies the first man, “It was the least I could do, after all we were married for 25 years �.

The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, “Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her…”

Sonny’s mother held up her hand. “Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you’ve just told me.”

The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, “I’m leaving you. I’m packing now and I’m leaving you.”

“But why–” asked the startled father.

“Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me.”

“Well,” Sonny said, “I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer.”

During a lull in the rehearsal the groom and best man, two long time friends and playboys, began to compare conquests. The groom, looking out over the crowd, said to his best man, “You know Bill, except for my wife to be, my two sisters and my mother, I’ve made love to every woman in this room.”

To which his friend responded, “Well then, between the two of us we’ve had them all!”

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are
hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very
easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth” even
when you don’t know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by
his mother at the front door he says, “I know the whole truth.”
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your
father.”

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from
work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father
promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to
your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when
he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by
saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman drops the mail,
opens his arms and says, “Then come give your FATHER a big hug.”

The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby. One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper “Darling am I the first man to make love to you ?”Her tone upon answering was slightly more than irritable. “Of course you are!” she said. “And also the best too. I don’t know why you men always ask the same old ridiculous questions.”

Well there was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table that morning and the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.”
“Yeah,” she replied, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”

“I know,” the old man said. “We were probably sitting here as naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.”

“Well,” Granny snickered,”What do you say…Should we?” Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

“You know honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “My nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps, “One’s in your coffee and the other one’s in your oatmeal.”

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride’s and groom’s families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, “Silence in court!”

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says, “Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.”

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand.

Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, “OK.”

“Well,” said Paddy, “after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.”

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, “God, that must have hurt!”

“Hurt?” Paddy replies. “He broke three of my fingers!”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

Striking up a conversation with the attractive woman seated beside him on a coast-to-coast flight, a would-be Romeo asked, “What kind of man are you attracted to?”

“I’ve always been drawn to Native American men,” she replied. “They’re in harmony with nature.”
“I see,” said the man, nodding.

“But, then, I really go for Jewish men who put women on a pedestal, and I can rarely resist the way Southern gentlemen treat their ladies with respect.”

“Please allow me to introduce myself,” said the man.
“My name is Tecumseh Goldstein, but all my friends call me Bubba.”

A man is recently separated from his wife, and gets drunk. It’s the dead of winter and he staggers to their house and starts pounding on the door.

After about fifteen minutes, she finally opens a window and asks what he wants.

“Honey! I’m half froze, can’t I stay here tonight?”

“Yes, of course. I thought you wanted to come in!”