Category: relationships

Wife returns home late and says to her husband:
– You know, hon, I’ve just been raped!
– Eat a lemon.
The following evening:
– Hey hon, I’ve just been raped!
– Eat a lemon.
And the next evening:
– Hon, I’ve been raped again!
– Eat a lemon.
– Why the hell have you been telling me to eat a lemon, god damnit?
– I can’t stand seeing your happy face.

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a
bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the
nuts. “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” said one boy. The
bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence.
Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.
Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me. One for
you.” He knew what it was. “Oh, my goodness!” he shuddered, “It’s Satan and
St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!”

He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
� Come quick!” he said, “You won’t believe what I heard. Satan and St.Peter
are down at the cemetery dividing the souls.” The old man said, “Shoo, you brat!
Can’t you see I’m finding it hard to walk as it is!”

After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, “One for you,
one for me. One for you, one…” The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve
been telling’ the truth! Let’s see if we can see the Devil himself.”
Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see
anything, but they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. And
one last one for you. That’s all. Let’s go get those nuts by the
fence, and we’ll be done.”

They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!

A man and his wife entered the dentist’s office.

“I want a tooth pulled,” the man said. “We are in a big hurry, so let us not fool around with gas or Novocain or any of that stuff.”

“You are a very brave man,” remarked the dentist. “Which tooth is it?”

“Show him your bad tooth, honey,” said the man to his wife.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

The couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.

“Elliot,” she said, pointing “do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?”

The husband looked over and nodded.

“Well,” the woman continued, “he’s been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!”

The husband returned to his meal. “Nonsense,” he said, “even that’s not worth so much celebrating!”

Why do a married man and his single male friend envy each other?

Each one thinks the other is having sex more often.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Did you hear about the cannibal spider that ate his uncle’s wife?
He was an anteater.

A guy came home to his wife and said to her: “Guess what? I’ve found a great job. A 10am start, 2pm finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week in the hand to boot!”

“That’s great,” his wife said.

“Yeah, fuckin’ unreal,” he agreed. “You start Monday.”

Two girls are having coffee when one notices that the other girl seems troubled and asks her, “Is something bugging you? You look anxious.”

“Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market,” she explained.

“Oh, that’s too bad,” the other girl sympathized. “I’m sure you’re feeling sorry for him.”

“Yeah, I am,” she said. “He’ll miss me.”

A young couple had been married for a couple of months, but the man was always after his wife to quit smoking.

One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said, “You really ought to quit.”

She, getting tired of his nagging, said, “I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex.”

He replied, “But they stunt your growth.”

She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied he never had.

Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, “So, what’s your excuse?”

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teenage daughters.

The parents decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife became pregnant, and sure enough, nine months later she delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child.

“Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered.” Then he gave her a stern look and asked, “Have you been fooling around on me?!”

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, “Not this time.”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

“Do you know how they make these gloves?” he asked.

“No, I don’t.”

“Well,” he spoofed, “there’s a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.”

She didn’t crack a smile.

“Oh, well, I tried,” he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

“What’s so funny?” he asked.

“I was just envisioning how condoms are made!” the woman responded.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman and calamjo

Sign in a marriage counselor’s window: “Out to lunch – Think it over.”