Category: relationships

Son:”Mom, do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once upon a time’ and ‘long ago’?”
Mom:”No dear, sometimes they begin with ‘honey, I was delayed at the office…'”

A mother of three is cleaning the kitchen when her youngest girl walks in and asks ‘Mom where do babies come from? ‘Looking surprised she answers, ‘ A baby is made when a man and a woman that love and trust each other go to a bedroom, and the man puts his penis in the woman’s vagina and a baby is made. ‘The little girl then says, ‘Oh ok. But last night when I was getting a drink I saw daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get with that? The mother answers, ‘Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.’

Leaving the poker party late, as usual, two friends compared notes.

“I can never fool my wife.” the first complained. “I turn off the car’s engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak upstairs, and undress in the bathroom.

But she always wakes up and yells at me for being out so late and leaving her alone.”

“You got the wrong technique my friend.” his buddy replied. “I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my hand on her ass and say ‘How about a little ?’

She always pretends to be asleep!!!”

Why do men enjoy getting head so much?

It’s five minutes of peace and quiet.

————–

Why do men enjoy head so much?

It’s the only thing a guy gets into a girls head straight.

“Is my laryngitis contagious, Doc?”
“Under the right circumstances it could be.”
“Do you recommend I do anything about that?”
“How about giving your mother-in-law a big kiss?”

A middle aged Jewish gentleman is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday.

He says, “So what would you like, my dear? A Jaguar?
A Sable coat?, A diamond necklace?

She says, “If you don’t mind, I want a divorce.”

He says, “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Calamjo

This man had been having a few beers down at the neighbourhood bar. It was dark out and he was walking home by a park when nature called so he stepped behind a hedge to relieve himself. To his and their surprise a couple were going at it on the grass and he almost stepped on them. The guy got up and took off running.

The man could see the naked outline of the gals bare legs as she continued to lie there while he relieved himself. He could feel his interest grow as he finished. Without a word he got down on his knees between her legs and took advantage of the situation. She embraced him and showed her willingness.

Just as they were both getting into it hot and heavy a cop walked by and shined his flashlight on them saying, “What the hell do you think your doing, this is a public park.”

The man said, “But officer this is my wife.”

The officer said, “Oh, I didn’t know she was your wife.”

The man said, “Neither did I ’till you shined your light on her.”

Once heard from a girl who just broke up with someone:

My old boyfriend and I weren’t compatible. I’m a virgo and he’s an asshole!

This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she’s playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. “Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He’s going to be so angry if it’s not ready on time.” And she dashes out of her friend’s house, her great hand forgotten on the table.
When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it!

“Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!” And that night they had sex for the first time in months and it was great!

Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified.

“You’re going to kill him,” they say, or “He’s just yanking your chain,” but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and then, afterwards, they would bonk like fiends.

Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous. “You killed him!

We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?”

The wife stoically replied, “Ahh, I didn’t kill him. He fell off the mantle when he was licking his ass.”

Irritated Wife: What do you mean by coming home half drunk?

Hubby: It’s not my fault…I ran out of money!

On the fourth day of their honeymoon, the 21 year old bride was begging for mercy from her 75 year old husband. Rather than endure yet another lovemaking session, she slipped out of the room while he was showering and went to the hotel coffee shop. The waitress, who had served the couple breakfast each day, was shocked at the woman’s appearance. “Honey, you’re just a young thing,” she remarked, “but you look like hell. What’s up?””I’ve been double-crossed,” the miserable bride moaned. “When he said he’d been saving up for 50 years, I thought he meant CASH!”

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. ?Hurry!? she said. ?Stand in the corner.? She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. ?Don?t move until I tell you to,? she whispered. ?Just pretend you?re a statue.?

?What?s this, honey?? the husband inquired as he entered the room. ?Oh, it?s just a statue,? she replied nonchalantly. ?The Smith?s bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too.? No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two o? clock in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. ?Here,? he said to the ?statue,? ?Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths? for three days, and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water.?