Category: relationships

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains.

They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.

An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.

The old man decided to go and see if they were all right.

He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered.

The old man asked if they were OK.

“Yes, we’re fine. We’re living on the fruits of love.”

The old man replied, “I thought so … would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window?

They’re choking the shit out of my ducks!”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

A nasty rainy morning. Husband wakes up, gathers his stuff and goes hunting.
He walks to the street, the rain becomes unbearable so he decides to return,
opens the door and dives back into the bed. Wife, half asleep:
– Hi. Can you imagine, my moron went out hunting!

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman “Give me six double vodkas.”

The barman says “Wow!, you must have had one hell of a day.”

“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender says “Geez! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”.

“Yeah, my wife…”

A couple returned from their honeymoon and it’s obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom’s best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.

“Well,” replied the man, “When we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.”

“Oh, you shouldn’t worry about that too much,” said his friend. “I’m sure your wife will get over it soon enough – she can’t expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!”

The groom nodded gently and said, “I don’t know if I can get over this though. She gave me $20 change!”

A man’s house is on fire. He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside.

Then he runs back in and gets his daughter and brings her outside.

Then his wife.

Then the dog.

Then he goes back in a couple of times without bringing out anybody.

So a fireman asks him, “Why are you going back in there?”

The man replies, “I’m turning over my mother in law.”

A man named Jim was trying to have a yard sale and he was cleaning the front yard but he couldn’t find the rake so he motioned to his wife who was upstairs about to get into the shower. He calls out ‘Where is the rake?’ She says ‘What!’ so he points to his eye (I) hits his knee (need) then he makes raking motions she replies by pointing at her eye then grabbing her left breast then she slaps her ass, then rubs her crotch. He immediately runs into his house up the stairs and before he can open his mouth his wife says ‘eye left tit behind the bush’.

I am not the boss of my house. I don’t know when I lost it. I don’t know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss’s job and I do not wantit.
— Bill Cosby

The executives of the A1 Steak Sauce Company were impressed with their
new billboard.

It showed a handsome-husband-type guy being served a large plate of
steak and potatoes seated at a table in what appeared to be a smart
restaurant. An attractive, well endowed, young blonde waitress was
standing over him, handing him a bottle of A1 sauce.

Originally they had titled the billboard, “What Does She Know About Your Husband That You Don’t?”

But after complaints from the public, that the ad was too suggestive,
they changed the headline.

Now it reads: “He Gets It Downtown, Why Not Give It To Him At Home?”

Son:”Mom, do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once upon a time’ and ‘long ago’?”
Mom:”No dear, sometimes they begin with ‘honey, I was delayed at the office…'”

A mother of three is cleaning the kitchen when her youngest girl walks in and asks ‘Mom where do babies come from? ‘Looking surprised she answers, ‘ A baby is made when a man and a woman that love and trust each other go to a bedroom, and the man puts his penis in the woman’s vagina and a baby is made. ‘The little girl then says, ‘Oh ok. But last night when I was getting a drink I saw daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get with that? The mother answers, ‘Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.’

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside – I just finished cleaning!”

My mother taught me RELIGION:
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

My mother taught me LOGIC:
“Because I said so, that’s why.”

My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

My mother taught me IRONY:
“Keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper!”

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
“Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!”

My mother taught me about STAMINA:
“You’ll sit there ’til all that spinach is finished.”

My mother taught me about WEATHER:
“It looks as if a cyclone swept through your room.”

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
“If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?”

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
“If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times – don’t exaggerate!”

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

My mother taught me about ENVY:
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do!”

How does a woman know when her husband is losing interest?

When his favorite sexual position is “next door”.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo