Category: relationships

He Said…She Said:

He said… I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said…You wear briefs, don’t you?

He said… Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said…Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

He said… “This coffee isn’t fit for a pig!”
She said…”No problem, I’ll get you some that is.”

She said…What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said… It’s not my fault…I ran out of money.

He said… Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said…Well, you succeeded.

Priest… ‘I don’t think you will ever find another man like your late husband.’
She said…’Who’s gonna look?’

He said… You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?
She said…No, have you?

He said… Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?
She said…Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

He said… What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said…Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

He said… Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.
She said…Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple’ s house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. ‘What are you doing?’ the mother-in-law asked. ‘I am waiting for my husband to come home from work,’ the daughter-in-law replied. ‘Why are you naked?’ asked the mother-in-law. ‘This is my love dress,’ the daughter-in-law replied. ‘LOVE DRESS! You are naked,’ said the mother-in-law. ‘But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he makes me happy,’ said the daughter-in-law. ‘I would appreciate your leaving now because my husband will be home any minute,’ the daughter-in-law continued. Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home, she thought about the ‘LOVE DRESS’ and got an idea. She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume, and waited by the door for her husband to come home. Finally, the pickup truck drove up the drive way, and she took her place by the door. The father-in-law opened the door, and immediately saw his wife naked by the door. ‘What are you doing?’ he asked. ‘This is my love dress,’ the mother-in-law replied. ‘Needs ironing,’ he replied

A man is walking down a beach during sunset when he stumbles across a lamp. Picking it up he says to himself, “I wonder if it’s magic. I think I’ll rub it and find out.”

Well sure enough this man rubs the lamp and a genie pops out. The genie says to the man, “I’m your genie and I am at your command. I shall grant you three wishes on one condition. Everything you wish for, your wife gets double.”

Well the man thought about it and finally blurted out, “Give me a million dollars.” So the genie gave him a million dollars and his wife two million while reminding him of the “one condition”.

Next the man said, ” I’d like a house on the east coast and a house on the west coast.” So the genie gave him his two houses and his wife four houses.

Finally the genie said, “You have one wish remaining but remember, your wife gets double.”

So the man thought for nearly an hour about his final wish. Looking up at the genie hovering over the sand he said with a sly grin on his face, “Ok Genie, I want you to beat me half to death.”

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over
next to him.
“If you get in the car,” the driver says, “I’ll give you $10 and a piece of
candy.”
The boy refuses and keeps on walking.
A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car
pulls over again. “How about $20 and two pieces of candy?”
The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking.
Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road.
“OK,” he says, “this is my final offer. I’ll give you $50 and all the candy
you can eat.”
The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. “Look,” he says to the
driver. “You bought the Ford, Dad. You’ll have to live with it!”

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence–a life sentence.

After 40 years of marriage, Jimmy decides to leave Katherine.

She starts crying and then asks, “How can you do this, Jimmy? How can you just walk out? The first year we were together, you caught pneumonia and almost died! Who sat by your bed and nursed you back to health? Me!

And when you lost half your family in the terrible car crash, who kept you going and kept your spirits up? Me!

And when our kids grew up and ran away from home, who sat with you can comforted you? Me!

And when you lost everything last year in the fire at the store, who stayed at your side the whole time? Me!

How could you leave me, Jimmy? You’ve been through everything with me.”

Jimmy replies, “That’s just the problem, Katherine! You’re just fucking bad luck!”

A husband is about to leave on a business trip:
– Honey, if my business requires me to stay longer in that town, I’ll send you
a telegram.
– Don’t bother, dear. I read it already – it’s in the pocket of your coat.

A young man had seriously dated three girls and was finally faced
with the dilemma of which to marry. As a test he gave each of
them one thousand dollars.

The first girl went for a complete hair and face make over, new
clothes, and new shoes. She returned to show off her new look
saying, “I want to be at my most beautiful for you. Why?
Because I love you, dear.”

The second girl returned with new hockey and golf equipment, a
new stereo, VCR, and month’s supply of beer saying, “I bought all
these things for you. They’re my gifts to you, because I love
you so.”

The third girl invested the $1,000 wisely and very quickly
doubled her original amount. She reinvested the profits which
continued to multiply and returned the first thousand to the
young man saying, “I have taken your money and made it grow as an
investment in our future together. That’s how much I love you, my
dear.”

The young man was very impressed by all of their responses. He
then gave long and careful consideration and finally married the
one with the biggest breasts.

A man and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. The wife says to her husband, “For our anniversary this year, you can ask me one question, any question you want too! and I will answer it truthfully.”

The husband replies, “Okay, this has been bothering me for a long time, but I haven’t had the courage to ask before… I have noticed that all of our eight children look similar to one another except one. I can’t figure out how he got to look so different. Did he have a different father than the rest?”

The wife stops. She is unable to look her husband in the eyes. Slowly she replies, “Yes, he did have a different father.”

Her husband was taken aback. “Oh! Okay… I must know. Please tell me. Who was that child’s father?”

Again she cannot look her husband in the eyes. She is very distressed and after a long silence she slowly said, “YOU”.

Standing at the pearly gates of heaven, Albert noticed pointing to two paths. One was marked “Women” and the other marked “Men”.

He took the path assigned to men and then came upon two more gates.

The right-hand gate had a sign that read “Men Who Were Dominated By Their Spouses”; the other gate read “Men Who Were Boss And Dominated Their Spouses”. The first gate had an endless line of guys waiting, but only one little guy stood before the male domination gate.

Albert was undecided, so he walked up to the little guy standing all alone and asked, “Why are you standing at this gate, a little punk like you?”

The smallish fellow replied, “I haven’t a clue.
My wife told me to stand here.”

Honey, I want this fur-coat.
To wear a coat like this you should be born a mink.