Category: relationships

Have You heard about the new Divorce Barbie Doll?

It comes with all of Ken’s stuff!

At night someone knocks on the door. Woman wakes up and asks:
– Vasya, is that you?
Silence. She returns to bed. Again a knock.
– Vasya, don’t make me nervous, is that you?
Silence. She waits a while then returns to bed. Again a knock. She opens the
door to find her drunken husband Vasya standing there.
– You moron! I was asking if it was you, why weren�t answering???
– I was nodding you!!!

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said,
“Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married
to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and
her name is Susan.

After dinner, George’s dad took him aside, “Son, I have to talk
with you.” “Look at your mother, George. She and I have been
married 30 years, she’s a wonderful wife and mother, but, she
has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to
fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half
sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her.”

George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually
started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very
proudly announced, “Dianne said yes! We’re getting married in
June.”

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and
broke the sad news. “Dianne is your half sister too, George. I’m
awfully sorry about this.”

George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with
the news his father had shared.

“Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get
married,” he complained. “Every time I fall in love, dad tells
me the girl is my half sister.”

“Heheh,” his mother chuckled, shaking her head, “don’t pay any
attention to what he says. He’s not really your father.”

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, “I’m sorry to bother you but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.”

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, “I’ve got a better idea… let’s pretend we’re married.”

“Why not?” giggles the woman.

“Good,” he replies. “Get your own blanket!”

A bum asks a man for $2.

The man asked: “Will you buy booze?”

The bum said: “No.”

The man asked “Will you gamble it away?”

The bum said: “No.”

Then the man asked: “Will you come home with me, so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink or gamble?”

Jimmy’s mom dragged him in front of his dad during the football game.
“Talk to your son,” she said. “He refuses to obey a word I say.”
The father turned to Jimmy angrily. “Jimmy, how dare you disobey your mother?
Do you think you’re better than your old man?”

A wife arriving home after a shopping trip, was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: “Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.”

“Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn-out so I gave her a pair of your shoes that you didn’t wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wear because the color didn’t suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.”

“Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, ‘Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?’ So, here we are!”

When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend’s father,
who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter’s chest.
He would open the door and immediately affect ma good-naturedly murderous
expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could
squeeze carbon into diamonds.
Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly
persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates; I do my best to make my
daughter’s suitors feel even worse. My motto: Wilt them in the living room and
they’ll stay wilted all night.
“So,” I’ll call out jovially. “I see you have your nose pierced. Is that
because you’re stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?”
As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets
that I have on display in my living room.
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a
package, because you’re sure as heck not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her,
so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your
eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age
to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.
Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are
complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I
propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing
and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to
assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your
date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your
trousers securely in place around your waist.
Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without
utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when
it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.
Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about
sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only
information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my
daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this
subject is “early.”
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to
date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date
no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make
YOU cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to
appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be
on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her
makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.
Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing
the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or
happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my
daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than
overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her Adam’s apple.
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which
feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.
My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me
attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I’d
be embarrassed too–there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for
the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these guys that I’d have these rules
tattooed on his arm if he couldn’t remember them. (I checked into it and the
cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his
arm with a ball point might be inadequate–ink washes off–and that my wood
burning set was probably a better alternative.
One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter’s would-be suitors
practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on
the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run
through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the
boy. “Don’t you remember being that age?” she challenged.
Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?

A guy is driving down the street.

A cop pulls him over and says, “Sir, were you aware that your wife fell out of the car about a mile back?”

The guy says, “Oh, thank God! I thought I went deaf.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally became pregnant, and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.

The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child.

“Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!” Then he gave her a stern look and asked, “Have you been fooling around on me?”

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, “Not this time”!

Submitted by Admin
Edited by Calamjo

A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, ”I’m going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on.”

The woman replied, ”Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?”

The man replied, ”No, I’m turning the heat off.”

If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?