Category: relationships

The wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night.
She looks at her husband and says, “Honey, do you remember this?”

He looks up at her and replies, “Yes dear, I do, you wore that same negligee the night we were married.”

“That’s right.” she replied, “And do you remember what you said to me that night?”

He nods and says, “Yes dear, I still remember.”

“Well, what was it?”

He responds, “Well honey, as I remember, I said, “Ohhhhhhh, Baby, I’m going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out!”

She giggles and says, “Yes, That was it. That was exactly what you said. And now it’s 50 years later, I’m in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?”

Again, he looks up at her and looks her up and down and says, “Mission Accomplished.”

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.”

The man leans out, with a glint in his eye, and says “I’ve got a better idea, let’s pretend we’re married.”

“Why not,” giggles the woman.

“Good,” he replies. “Get your own damn blanket.”

Submitted by ���rt��
Edited by Clark Kent

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

“Sidney thought of everything,” she told them. “Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. ‘Tillie,’ he told me, ‘I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace’.”

“What was in the envelopes?” her friends asked.

“The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, ‘Please use this money to buy a nice casket.’ So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.”

“The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, ‘Please use this for anice funeral ‘I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending.”

“And the third envelope?” asked her friends.
“The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, ‘Please use this to buy a nice stone.'”

Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said…
“So, do you like my stone?” showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.

One year, a particular harried husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, “Well, you still� haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Jill phoned her husband, John, at work for a chat. “I’m sorry dear,” said John, “but I’m up to my neck in work today. I don’t have time to chat.”

Jill replied, “But I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you, dear.”

“OK darling,” said John, “but as I’ve got no time right now, just give me the good news.”

“Okay,” agreed Jill. “Well, the air bag works…bye!”

Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, “Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman”.

“Oh yeah”, said Eddie. “And how did this one end”?

“When it was over”, Harvey replied. “She came crawling to me on her hands and knees”.

“Really? Now that’s a switch! What did she say”?

“She said, ‘Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!'”

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.

“I’m busy,” he said. “I’ll do the next one.”

The next time came around and she asked again.

The husband narrowed his eyes as he looked at his wife. “I didn’t mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown

Husband returned home late and his wife had to hide her lover in a wardrobe.
So the lover wakes up at night butt-naked, puts on a fur-coat and crawls to the
exit. The husband wakes up too, and says:
– Hey, what are you?
– I’m a moth.
– And where are you carrying that fur coat?
– I’m gonna eat it at home!

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. “What’s the matter, dear?”, she whispers as she steps into the room, “Why are you down here at this time of night?”. The husband looks up from his coffee, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?” he asks solemnly. “Yes I do” she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car having sex?” “Yes, I remember” says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. “Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I’ll send you to jail for 20 years?” “I remember that too” she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, “I would have gotten out today”.

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy.

The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.

At the very last minute, she realized that she didn’t have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed.

He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach.

As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.

He kept thinking to himself, “Wouldn’t it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?” He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him.

They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place.

They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around.

It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.

At seven o’clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, “Oh no, my wife’s dinner party!”

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.

He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.

There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he’s been all this time.

He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, “Come on guys, we’re almost there!”

Submitted by Glaci
EDited by Curtis

A woman called in a repairman to fix her television. Just as he finished, the woman heard her husband’s key in the lock. “Hurry,” she said to the repairman, “you’ll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous.”

There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the TV console. The husband came in and plopped down in his favorite chair to watch some football. Inside the TV, the repairman was all squished up and getting hotter and hotter. Finally, he couldn’t stand it anymore. He climbed out, marched across the room and out the front door.

The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his wife, looked back at the set again and said, “I didn’t see the referee send that guy off the field, did you?”

At night someone knocks on the door. Woman wakes up and asks:
– Vasya, is that you?
Silence. She returns to bed. Again a knock.
– Vasya, don’t make me nervous, is that you?
Silence. She waits a while then returns to bed. Again a knock. She opens the
door to find her drunken husband Vasya standing there.
– You moron! I was asking if it was you, why weren�t answering???
– I was nodding you!!!