Category: relationships

One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. “My wife,” the man replied. “I’m sorry,” said Bill. “What happened to her?” “My dog bit her and she died.” Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied, “My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well.” Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, “Can I borrow your dog?” To which the man replied, “Get in line.”

A woman went to a resort with her son. When they came back home, she told her
husband, “I liked it very much. The sea was beautiful. Also, I met a Hero of the
Soviet Union, a nice guy.”
The son said, “What kind of hero is he if he was afraid to be in the dark room
without my mom?”

An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, “Just think, honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.?”

“Yes,” he replies. “Fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds.”

“Well,” the old woman snickers, “should we get naked again for old time’s sake?”

So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. “You know,” the old woman says breathlessly, “my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago.”

“I’m not surprised,” replies the old man. “One’s in your coffee and the other’s in your oatmeal!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I
would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.
I want to go to McDonald’s and think that it’s a four star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with
rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on
a hot summer’s day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple; when all you knew were
colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn’t bother you,
because you didn’t know what you didn’t know and you didn’t care.
All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the
things that should make you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good…
I want to believe that anything is possible.
I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by
the little things again.
I want to live simple again.
I don’t want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork,
depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in
the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice,
peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.
So… here’s my check book and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K
statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss
this. Further, you’ll have to catch me first, cause… Tag! You’re it!

Secret tips for making a marriage last…

My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last…

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good
food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in NY.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
“Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!”
So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down !”
So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me “In the lake.”

8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off…

10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, “Am I too late for the garbage?”
The driver said, “No, jump in!”

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome and didn’t really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn’t say a word. She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me.” I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

“The moral of this story is:”

“Always keep your condoms in your car.”

My friend Dave needed to have his septic system cleaned out recently so he called up a local company and made an appointment to get this done. When the septic man arrived at the appointed time, Dave offered to help him.

The offer of help was refused. In fact, all such offers were now refused by the septic cleaner ever since one guy was standing by, helping out, when the hose started sucking up a bunch of condoms.

The home owner looked at the rubbers and ran into the house. It seems he didn’t use condoms.

Three guys died and when they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter meets them there.

St. Peter said, “I know that you guys are forgiven because you’re here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions. Make sure you tell the truth because if you don’t you will forfeit your privilege of being here and we’ll have to ask you to visit our friend below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car you get. You have to have a car here in Heaven because it is so big!”

The first guy walks up and Peter asks him, “How long were you married?”

The guy replies, “24 years.”

St. Peter then asks, “Did you ever cheat on your wife?”

The guy says, “Yes, about 10 times…but you said I was forgiven.”

Peter said, “yeah, but that’s not too good. Here’s a Pinto for you to drive.”

The second guy walks up and gets the same questions from Peter to which he replies, “I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was during our first year and we worked it out and I was faithful there after.”

Peter said, “I’m pleased to hear that, here’s a Lincoln Town Car for you to drive.”

The third guy walked up and said, “Peter, I know what you’re going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn’t even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!”

Peter said, “That’s what I like to hear. Here’s a Jaguar for you to drive”

A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk so they went to see what was the matter. When they asked him what was wrong he tearily said, “I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard!”

Two men are sitting in a pub talking, one mentions that it’s his wife’s birthday soon and he doesn’t know what to get her.

The second man says that he bought his wife a blue Porsche and a red Porsche for her birthday because if she didn’t like the blue one, she could have the red one, and vice versa.

The next week, the second man asks the other what he finally bought his wife. He replies, “a necklace and a vibrator.”

“Why?” asks the second man.

To which the other man replies, “Because if she doesn’t like the necklace, she can go fuck herself.”

The farmer early in the morning comes out, peers into the distance tensely and
thinks: “well, i’ve milked the cows, i’ve fed the horses, what else? oh s***, i
haven’t f***** the wife! “

How To Impress a Woman:

Compliment her
Cuddle her
Kiss her
Tease her
Comfort her
Hug her
Send her flowers
Wine and dine her
Listen to her
Care for her
Hold her
Support her

How to Impress a Man:

Show up naked….. with beer.

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. “Hurry!” she said, “stand in the corner.” She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. “Don’t move until I tell you to,” she whispered. “Just pretend you’re a statue.””What’s this, honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room. “Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.”No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.”Here,” he said to the ‘statue’, “eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.”