Category: relationships

1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION… “Just wait until your father gets
home.”
2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING…. “You’re going to get it when we get
home!”
3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE… “What were you thinking? Answer
me when I talk to you! Don’t talk back to me!”
4. My Mother taught me LOGIC… “If you fall out off that swing and break your
neck, you�re not going to the store with me.”
5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE… “If you don’t stop crossing your
eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”
6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD… “If you don’t pass your spelling
test, you’ll never get a good job.”
7 My Mother taught me HUMOR… “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t
come running to me.”
8 My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT… “If you don’t eat your
vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
9. My Mother taught me about GENETICS… “You’re just like your father.”
10. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS… “Do you think you were born in a
barn?”
11. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE… “When you get to be my age, you
will understand.”
12. And my all time favorite… JUSTICE… “One day you’ll have kids, and I
hope they turn out just like you….Then you’ll see what it’s like.”

One night Jerry brought home a dozen red roses to his wife.

“How lovely, dear,” she said. “What’s the occasion?”

“I want to make love to you,” he said simply.

“Not tonight, dear. I have a headache,” answered his wife.

The next night Jerry came home with a big box of chocolates and explained that he wanted to make love with her.

“I’m awfully tired, honey,” said his wife. “Not tonight.”

Every night for a week Jerry brought home something, but each time his wife’s answer was no.

Finally he came home with six black kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his wife.

“How adorable, Jerry!” she exclaimed. “But what are they for?”

The husband replied, “These are six little pallbearers for your dead pussy.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo…

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter
vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some
wood. When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are
freezing!” She says, “Well put them here between my legs and
that will warm them up.” After lunch he goes back out to chop
some more wood and comes back and says again, “Man! my hands are
really freezing!” She says again “Well put them here between my
legs and warm them up.” He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get
them through the night. When he returns, he says again, “Honey,
my hands are really, really freezing!” She looks at him at says,
“For crying out loud, don’t your ears ever get cold?”

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing
your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”

The other woman replied, “Yes, I
married the wrong man.”

16> The ceremony is spoiled by the insistent beeping from the bride’s ankle cuff.

15> You’re forced to exchange vows from separate rooms because of that week-old restraining order.

14> The bride’s father gets his feelings hurt when her pimp insists on giving her away.

13> Even though he’s sitting in the front row, you still don’t remember the Grim Reaper being on the guest list.

12> At the end of the ceremony, Reverend Jones proposes a Kool-Aid toast.

11> Your bride enthusiastically shouts, “I do!” Unfortunately, it’s when the priest asks if anyone objects to the marriage.

10> The ceremony starts in 20 minutes and you’re still fighting over who gets to wear the dress.

9> “Do you take this man, Scott Peterson, to be your….”

8> When the “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” crew shows up to help plan the upcoming honeymoon, your fiance becomes alarmingly smitten with Carson the fashion savant.

7> “Something blue” is Grandma. Better call 911.

6> After greeting your bride by name, the honeymoon hotel clerk asks if she wants the room for the whole night this time.

5> Something old? Check.

Something new? Check.

Something borrowed? Check.

Something blew? Chuck, the best man.

4> You spot Ron Jeremy sitting on the bride’s side of the church.

3> The groom refuses to put on the ring on your finger, saying, “Not the Preciousssss!”

2> Saying your vows extemporaneously was going great until you drew a blank on a rhyme for “clitoris.”

1> You can’t seem to find your tuxedo pants. But even if you could, the wedding is in Nebraska and you’re handcuffed to a dominatrix in Singapore.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

As the young couple prepare to go to bed on their wedding night, the groom says to his bride, “Honey, I have a confession to make. I’m a golf addict. I play whenever I have a minute. I can’t get enough of it. You’ll probably never see me on the weekends.”

His bride looked a little uneasy and then said, “Honey I have a confession also…I’m a hooker.”

“No problem.” Replied the groom, “Just keep your left arm straight and keep that head down. You’ll be hitting them straight in no time.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

After having watched a number of fashion shows, a woman became obsessed with
the modern vogue. She started inventing all kinds of attires. Once her husband
came home and saw his wife walk naked in the apartment.
“What’s that?” he asked.
“Ah, you’re ignorant of the new trends in fashion. This is just my new erotic
costume.”
“Then at least iron it.”

Write on the bottom of shoesSomeone once took a large black ink marker and wrote “Help” on the bottom of the groom’s left shoe and “Me” on the bottom of the right shoe. So when he knelt down for his vows, the entire congregation saw it. Of course, this will only work if he must kneel with back to congregation (i.e. Catholic wedding). Make sure you get it so that it is readable with the shoes side by side, left to right, toes toward the floor. Do this far enough in advance so that the paint is dry before the groom wears the shoes to avoid damaging carpets.Besides “Help Me”, other possible message to write on the soles are (with varying degrees of cruelness): Left Shoe (I’m With) Right Shoe (Stupid [pointing arrowhead]); Left Shoe (Quick, Call 911!) Right Shoe (Never Mind, I’m Doomed!)

What’s the definition of mixed emotions?

When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

Bob took his Saint Bernard to the vet.

“Doctor,” he said sadly, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to cut off my dog’s tail.”

The vet stepped back, “Bob, why should I do such a terrible thing?”

“Because my mother-in-law’s arriving tomorrow, and I don’t want anything to make her think she’s welcome.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Becky was on her deathbed, and her husband, Jake, maintained a steady vigil by her side.

As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her cheek and roused her from her deathly slumber.

She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. “My darling Jake,” she whispered.

“Hush, my love,” he said. “Go back to sleep. Shh. Don�t talk.”

But she was insistent. “Jake,” she said in her tired voice. “I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you.”

“There�s nothing to confess,” replied the weeping Jake. “It�s all right. Everything�s all right. You need to go to sleep now.”

“No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I have been unfaithful to you. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father.”

Jake mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand.
“Hush now, Becky, don�t torment yourself. I know all about it,” he said.

“Why do you think I poisoned you?”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo