Category: relationships

*25 Things a Wife would say in a “perfect world!*

1) I’ll swallow it all…I love the taste! 2) Are you sure you’ve had enough to drink? 3) I’m bored. Let’s shave my pussy! 4) Shouldn’t you be down at the bar with your buddies? 5) That was a great fart! Do another one! 6) I’ve decided to stop wearing clothes around the house. 7) You’re so sexy when you’re hungover. 8) I’d rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping. 9) Let’s subscribe to Hustler. 10) Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend? 11) Say, let’s go to the mall so you can check out women’s asses. 12) I’ll be painting the house. 13) I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday, too. 14) Honey, our new neighbors 16 year old daughter is sunbathing again, come see! 15) I know it’s a lot tighter back there, but would you please try again? 16) No, No, I’ll take the car for an oil change. 17) Your mother is way better than mine. 18) Do me a favor…forget the stupid Valentines day thing and buy yourself some new clubs. 19) I understand fully…our anniversary comes every year for christ’s sake, you go hunting with the guys, it’s a wonderful stress reliever. 20) Oh come on.. what do you say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints and have my friend Bridget over for a threesome! 21) Not the fucking mall again… come on let’s go to the new strip joint! 22) Listen, I make enough money for the both of us–why don’t you retire and get that nagging golf handicap down to a 7 or
8. 23) You need your sleep…stop getting up for the baby’s night feedings. 24) If I don’t get to blow you soon, I swear I am going to explode!! 25) I signed up for aerobics so that I can get my ankles behind my ears for you!!

A male chauvinist tells his buddy over drinks, “I called the local insane asylum yesterday to check on who has escaped from there recently.”

His buddy asks, “Oh? Why do you wonder about that?”

To which he replies, “Well, somebody ran off with my wife this week!”

There was once this couple who had been married for a long time, but could never get along very well. Many times, late at night there would be screams and shouts from their house. One day the old man said, “I’m sick and tired of you. When I die, I will come out of my grave to haunt you.”After this, the old guy started practicing black magic. All the disappearances of people, cats, dogs, etc. were blamed on him.At the age of 80 the old guy dies, and his wife puts him in a casket. Later that night, she goes to the bar and parties as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbor comes up to her and says, “Aren’t you scared that the old guy will dig up and haunt you?”The old lady calmly replied, “Eh, let him keep digging. I put the casket the other way around!

An accountant decided to leave his wife one day.

He left her a note saying:

“Dear Jane, I am 54 years old and I have never done anything wild. So I’m leaving you for an 18 year old blonde model. We’ll be staying at the Sheraton.”

He then packed his things and went there. When he arrived at the Sheraton, there was a message for him from his wife. It read:

“Dear John. I too am 54 years old. I have followed your example and am staying at the Hyatt with an 18 year old Italian hunk. And I’m sure that you, as an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times than 54 goes into 18!”

A man was celebrating his 80th birthday and his 50th wedding anniversary. A reported asked, “Sir, how do you account for looking so fit?”

“Well,” the old-timer told him, “when we got married, my wife and I made an agreement that any time we saw an argument coming on, I would grab my hat and walk three times around the block.

You’d be surprised what 50 years of outdoor exercise will do for your health!”

A young British attorney came to his office all in bruises and scratches.
“What happened to you?’ a colleague asked.
“Oh, it’s some bloody story. Yester eve, I came home from the club, and what I
see in my dining room! There was that frog. Just a small female frog. I took a
seat at the table, when she said in perfect English, ‘If you’re a gentleman,
shouldn’t you offer me a seat at your table?’ Surprised as I was, being a
gentleman, I did as she asked. I took a swig of brandy, and she said, ‘No brandy
for me?’ Well, as a gentleman, I poured brandy for her, and the bloody frog
drank it in one gulp. Then I had a slice of a pudding, and she said, ‘What about
me?’ What would you do? Of course, as a gentleman, I shared the pudding with
her. Then I undressed and went to bed. The bloody frog said, ‘What about me?’
So, I took her into the bed. As soon as she was in the bed, she at once
transformed into a young lady, and completely naked to that! At that time my
wife unexpectedly walked in. I told her the entire story, but she wouldn’t
believe me!”

A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside.

His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, “You’re beautiful.”

Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep.

Later, her husband woke up and said, “You’re cute.”

Startled, she asked him, “What happened to ‘beautiful?'”

“The drugs are wearing off,” he replied.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by yisman

One day little Susie went into her back yard and found her dog Muffles lying dead with its legs up in the air.

She asked, “Daddy, Daddy, why are Muffles legs in the air?”

Thinking quickly, her dad replied, “This way Jesus can come down and take Muffles to heaven easier.”

The next day when Susie’s dad came home, she ran up to him and said, “Daddy, Daddy, Mommy almost died today.”

Flustered, her father said, “Honey, what happened?”

“Well, Mommy’s legs were up in the air and she was screaming ‘Oh Jesus, I’m coming, I’m coming’ and if it wasn’t for the milkman holding her down she would have been a gonner.”

Submitted By Calamjo
Edited by dolly04

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned
about all his employees’ well being, asked sympathetically, “What’s the matter?”

To which the blonde replies…..� Early this morning I got a phone call saying
that my mother had passed away.”
The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, explains to the young girl. “Why
don’t you go home for the day…..we aren’t terribly busy. Just take the day off
to relax and rest.”
The blonde very calmly states……”No, I’d be better off here. I need to keep
my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.”
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual, saying “If you need
anything, just let me know.”
Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks
out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!! He rushes out to
her, asking, “Are you gonna be ok??”
“No,” exclaims the blonde. “I just got a call from my sister. She told me that
HER mom died too!!”

The guy cantelope asked his girlfriend if she would marry him. The girlfriend responded, “We’re too yound we cant alope!””

“

An 80-years old gramps married a young 18 years old girl. Their first night
they spend in different bedrooms. Late at night the new wife hears knocking on
the door. It’s her husband.
– Honey, I’ve come to perform my husband’s duty.
They do it and he leaves. An hour later he’s back.
– Honey, I’ve come to perform my husband’s duty.
They do it again and then the girl says:
– But darling, you’ve already performed your duty an hour ago!
– Sorry, darling, I’ve got Alzheimer’s.

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. “I assume,” she snarled, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o’clock in the morning?”
“There is.” he replied, “Breakfast.”