They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.
Category: relationships
Unfaithful Wife
The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the “other man”. The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene.
Being a man of the 90’s and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-like manner. He sent the following e-mail to his wife’s lover: Sir, It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.
The “other man” was highly amused by the husband’s formal manner and sent the following reply: Dear Sir, I have received a copy of the your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your office’s auditorium.
*~> MaKiNg SaNdWiChEs <~*
One night a guy and his girlfriend started getting horny at the
guys house. The guy had to share a room with his little 7 year
old brother and they shared a bunk. He got the top and his
little brother got the bottom. Well they started getting it on,
and one thing led to another and they started to do it. He told
his girlfriend to say lettuce if she wanted it harder, and
tomatoes if she wanted it slower. “Lettuce, tomatoes” she said
“Lettuce, lettuce, tomatoes, lettuce…” she screamed out. Then
his little brother shouted up sleepily, “Can you guys stop
making sandwiches? The mayonnaise is getting all over me!”
Make me an uncle!
Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in the room holding their newborn baby.
“Stop! You can’t do this!” exclaimed the brother.
“And why not?” asked Stan. “Don’t you want to have a beautiful baby someday like my wife and I have here?”
Stan said nothing.
The brother grew impatient, “C’mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle.”
Stan couldn’t take it anymore. He gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asked his brother, “You’re SURE you want a nephew?”
“Yes,” the brother replied. “It would be an honor!”
“Well congratulations, you’re holding him!”
Wedding & Revenge
This is a true story about a wedding and a little thing called
revenge.
It was a huge wedding with about three hundred guests. After the
wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on the stage at the
microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank
everyone for coming. He especially wanted to thank the bride and
groom’s families for coming and for providing such a fabulous
reception.
He said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him.
So taped to the bottom of everyone’s chair was an envelope; He
said that this was his gift to everyone, and that everyone
should open them at the same time. Inside each envelope was an
eight by ten picture of his best man having sex with the bride.
He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private
detective. After he stood there and watched the people’s
reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to his best man and
bride and said, “Fuck You!” then turned to the crowd and left.
He had the marriage annulled 1st thing Monday morning.
Most people’s would break off the engagement right away after
finding about the affair, this guy went through with it anyway,
as if nothing was wrong. His revenge was making the bride’s
parents pay over forty thousand dollars for three hundred people
at a wedding reception. Letting everyone know exactly what did
happen. Best of all, trashing the bride’s and best man’s
reputations in front of all of their friends and their entire
families!
Historical Wife
A man complains to a friend, “I can’t take it anymore.””What’s wrong?” his concerned friend asks.”It’s my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!””You mean hysterical,” his friend said, chuckling.”No, I mean HISTORICAL,” the man insists. “Every argument we have, she’ll go “I still remember that time when you ….”
Supportive Husband
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front
of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
“You know, love,” she says, “I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My
face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my bum is hanging out
a mile. I’ve got fat legs and my arms are all flabby.” She turns to her husband
and asks, “Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself.”
He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice,
“Well… there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”
Diary of a Sucessful New Bride/Cook
Dear Diary,
Monday
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it’s fun to cook for Bill. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, “beat 12 eggs separately.” Well, I didn’t have enough bowls to do that, so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.
Tuesday
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, “serve without dressing”. So I didn’t dress. But, Bill happened to bring a friend home for supper that night. Did they ever look startled when I served the salad.
Wednesday
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, “wash thoroughly before steaming the rice”. So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week. I can’t say it improved the rice any.
Thursday
Today Bill asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, “prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving.” I hunted all over the garden by my moms. So I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over there one hour so the dog would not take it. Bill came over and asked if I felt all right. I wonder why?
Friday
Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, “put all ingredients in a bowl and beat it.” Beat it I did, right over to my mom’s house. There must have been something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the same as when I left it.
Saturday
Bill went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I’m sure I don’t know how hens dress for Sunday. I never noticed back on the farm, but I found a doll dress and some little shoes. I though the hen looked real cute. When Bill saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.
Sunday
Today Bill’s folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had in the icebox, was hamburger. So I put it in the oven and set the controls for roast. Must be the oven, because it still came out hamburger.
Monday
I was going to bake bread today. The recipe said, “mix well and knead well. Then stand in a warm place until double in bulk.” I just won’t bake bread if I have to double in bulk.
Goodnight Dear Diary. This has been an exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come, so I can try a new recipe on Bill.
Love, PAM
Still Celebrating!
The couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.”Elliot,” she said, pointing “do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?” The husband looked over and nodded.”Well,” the woman continued, “he’s been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!” The husband returned to his meal. “Nonsense,” he said, “even that’s not worth so much celebrating!”
Gun for the Hubby
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. “It’s for my husband,” she tells the clerk.
“Did he tell you what gauge to get?” asked the clerk.
“Are you kidding?” she says. “He doesn’t even know that I’m going to shoot him!”
CAMP NO-NO’S
Here’s a list of camps you may NOT want to send your kids to:
Tommy Lee’s Camp Kick chick
Monica Lewinsky’s Camp Suckaweewee
President Clinton’s Camp Getahoochie
Ellen Degeneracy�s Camp Lickacoochie
Kenneth Star’s Camp Catch crook
O.J. Simpson’s Camp Kill chick
Lorena Bobbit’s Camp Cutaweewee
Tonya Harding’s Camp Club knee
Susan Smith’s Camp Blameabrotha
Pamela Lee’s Camp Litigates.
Grandma Comes To Visit
The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, “I’m so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.”
The grandmother was curious. “What trick is that my dear?” she asked.
The little boy replied, “I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again.”