Category: relationships

Two old friends were sitting in a bar talking.

“How’s your wife?” asked the first man

“Well I just gave her a new car and a fur coat”. The second one said

“A new car and a fur coat? Why?”

“Because I told her if she didn’t like the new car she would look good when she exchanged it.” says the second man “You should do something nice for you’re wife”

One week later they saw each other again,

“So did you do anything nice for your wife?” asked the second man.

“Sure did ” said the first man “got her a pair of slippers and a dildo”.

“A pair of slippers and a dildo??” the second man said.

The first man replies, “I told her if she didn’t like the slippers she could go fuck herself.”

A drunken husband returns home in the evening. the wife was already all wet
and horny and could hardly wait for them to go to bed.
– hey, let’s do it!
– you got any booze?
– no… let’s do it.
– what? you got any booze?
– hell no! let’s do it!
– huh? you got any booze?
the wife jumps out of the bed, runs to the window, throws it open and shouts
out angrily:
– are there any he-men in this f****** building?
a window downstairs jerks open, a man’s head pops out and says:
– what, you’ve got booze?

Top 10 things NOT to say to parents when picking up a date.

10. “Sorry I’m a little late.  I had to stop by the drugstore.”
9. “Show me how you used to spank her.”
8. “Please come inside?  Wow, you sound just like your daughter.”
7. “Do you think she would put out if I told her that I loved her?”
6. “I just got my license today.”
5. “I believe being sexually active since I was 12 has helped me
mature.”
4. “Five bucks says she’s a D-cup.”
3. “Hey do you have an empty pop can and some matches?”
2. “Hi.  I’m Robert, but my friends call me ‘Back Door Bob.'”
1. “So, does your wife just lay there during sex too?

Sex in the darkJane was becoming frustrated with her husband’s insistence that they have sex in the dark. Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp….. only to discover a cucumber in his hand.”Is THIS what you’ve been using on me for the past 5 years!?!””Honey, let me explain!””Why you sneaky bastard!” she screamed. “You impotent son of a –“”Speaking of sneaky!” he interrupted, “maybe you’d care to explain our 3 kids!!!”

there were to guys they were really drunk but one was drunker then the other. They decided to get them selfes some whores. So they went to the whore house and said I want two whores for me and my buddy here. The lady
said well I can give you one the others are either out with a customer or are sick , so you can have me but I also have blow up dolls. Hmm He thought for a minute and then said ok my buddy here is so drunk he will not even notice the differnce. So they took the ladys to the local hotel for the night. so the next day the met at the front of the hotel
and the guy who was alot more drunk akedthe not so drunk guy how was your night and he said it was pretty good. Then the not so drunk guy asked the really drunk guy how was your night he said it was good till she I bit her tit she let a fart and flew out the window.

Variation of return your keysAnother twist to this would be to distribute fifteen blank keys to male friends of the bride-to-be and two more blank keys to a guy and a very old lady. Then, during the reception, while people are making toasts, announce to everyone that since the bride is no longer available, any guy with a key to her apartment should turn it in at the tray that has been set up, whereby the fifteen pre-selected men would walk up and turn in their keys and make the same announcement for the groom, whereby both the old lady and the other guy would both walk up with their key.

A couple is taking a stroll in a lovely meadow when they come
upon a wishing well. The woman leans over, makes a wish, and
throws in a quarter. Her husband decides he wants to make a wish
also. Unfortunately he leans over too far, falls down into the
well and drowns. The woman stands there shaken for a moment, and
then exclaims, “Holy cow, it works!”

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says, �I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing.

Forty-five years of misery is enough! I�m sick of her, and I�m sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her,� and then hangs up.

The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the news.

She calls her father and yells, �You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don�t do a single thing, do you hear me?�

The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says, �It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they�re paying their own way!�

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. — PJ O’Rourke

A husband and wife are driving back from their holiday in France.

Near the border they knock over a skunk on the side of the road.

Alarmed, the wife runs out the car to see if the skunk is ok. It turns out that it is fine with no cuts or broken bones.

Relieved the wife askes her husband if they can keep the skunk as they almost had killed it.

No of course not says the husband but the wife, after some time, persuaded her husband to keep him.

As they reach the boarder to cross into England, the husband tells the wife to hide the skunk.

“But where will I put him” she yells.

“Hide him in your pants, no one will be able to tell there” he replies.

“But what about the smell.”

“Well,” the husbands pauses, “If it dies, it dies!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A man comes home from work, sits in his lazyboy in front of the TV and rudely tells his wife,

“Gimme a beer before it starts”.

She gives him his beer.

About 15 minutes later, he says again, “Gimme a beer before it starts”.

She does.

A few minutes later, he asks again for a beer.

The wife says, “Don’t you think you’re drinking too much beer? It hasn’t been half an hour that you got here and you’ve already had two beers. I’m getting fed up with this.”

The husband looks up and mumbles, “Now it starts.”

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter’s birthday and he hadn’t bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager “How much is that new Barbie in the window?”

The Manager replied, “Which one? We have –
‘Barbie goes to the gym’for $19.95 …
‘Barbie goes to the Ball’ for $19.95 …
‘Barbie goes shopping for $19.95 …
‘Barbie goes to the beach’ for $19.95…
‘Barbie goes to the Nightclub’ for $19.95 …
and ‘Divorced Barbie’ for $375.00.”

“Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?” Dad asked surprised.

Simple…”Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s car, Ken’s House, Ken’s boat, Ken’s dog, Ken’s cat and Ken’s furniture.”