Category: relationships

At the marriage counselor’s office, the woman complained, “What’s-his-name here says I don’t give him enough attention.”

A seventy-five year old guy, his hair is completely white, marries a twenty-two year old girl, and she gets pregnant. Nine months later, he walks into the Maternity Ward. He says to the nurse, “Well, how’d I do?”The nurse says, “She had twins.”He says, “Heh, heh, heh…well, I guess that goes to show, that even if there’s snow on the roof, there can still be fire in the furnace.”She says, “Well, then you’d better change filters. Both of the babies are black.”

The newlyweds were on their honeymoon when the groom asked, “Honey, you can tell me. Am I the first man?”

She looked up and said, “Why does everybody ask me that?!”

What happens when you have :

2 Italian men a 1 Italian woman 2 French men and 1 French woman 2
German men and 1 German woman 2 Greek man and 1 Greek woman 2
English men and 1 English woman 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian
woman 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman 2 American men and 1
American woman 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the
middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred :

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in
a menage � trois.

The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they
alternate with the German woman.

The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.

The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
English woman.

The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look
at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.

The 2 American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while
the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own,
the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can
do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of
household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and
treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is
improving. But at least the taxes are low and it is not raining.

The 2 Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for
instructions.

The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by
setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the
picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of
coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English
are not getting any!

A couple is out for a drive one day and the husband is behind the wheel.
As he’s driving, he’s complaining about everything… the heat, the long
drive, the bad drivers, the country, the bad drivers in the country, etc, and
he’s driving his wife crazy at the same time with his depressing talk.
So his wife says to him, “one more complaint and I�ll cut your dick off with
my Swiss army knife�.
That got his attention, so he stopped. But about half an hour later, he starts
complaining again and before he could blink his wife pulls out her knife, slices
off his penis and throws it out the window.
Driving behind the couple’s car is a family of three…. husband, wife and
their 8 year old daughter. The penis suddenly lands on their car’s windscreen
leaving the father in an absolute panic, as he doesn’t want his daughter to see
it. So he puts the windshield wipers on to get the dick off and out of his
daughter’s view.
The daughter asks, “Daddy, what was that??”
Her father, still in a panic, replies, ” oh it was only a…uh…butterfly my
dear.”
The daughter says, “well f*** me! Did you see the size of its cock�?

A couple decided to Alaska for a romantic weekend. When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place. He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. He came in after another 5 minutes and said ” honey my hands are cold again”. So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood. 5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said, “Honey my hands are cold again”. She then said, “Damn how much longer until your ears get cold?”

Dear Tech Support:

I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected child processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn’t mentioned in the product brochure.

In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialisation where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Golf 5.3 no longer run and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate Sunday Football 6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but de-install doesn’t work on this program.

Can you please help!
Joe.

Dear Joe,

This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding.

Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Whereas Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything.

You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and it is impossible to de-install, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.

Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0, but have
ended up with even more problems. (See in manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors Fees). Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best you can.

When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C: IAPOLOGISE program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-key. It may be necessary to run C: I APOLOGISE a number of times, but hopefully eventually the operating system will return to normal.

Wife 1.0 although a very high maintenance program can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it consider buying additional software such as Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0.

Do not under any circumstances install Secretary (Short Skirt version) as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.

Best of luck!
Tech Support

Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.

From Late Show with David Letterman – Friday, November 11, 1994

Top Ten Signs You’re On A Bad Date

10. When you agreed to go out with him he was governor, and now he’s just some guy who works in a car wash.

9. Every few minutes, his face falls into his eggs.

8. She asks you to hold her clothes while she mambos with a guy named Pedro.

7. Her Wonderbra’s on backwards.

6. Just as everything’s starting to go great, you’re both asked to return to your cells.

5. It’s costing you $3.00 a minute.

4. You order a double Whopper and he says, “My name ain’t Rockefeller, honey.”

3. Waiter taking your order asks, “And what can I get for your sorry-ass date?”

2. He’s drunk, all hands, and keeps bragging about how he whipped Mitt Romney.

1. He won’t stop screaming “Pataki!”
(reference to New York Governor-Elect George Pataki)

Mrs. Squiffy decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant.”

“But you are not wearing any of those things.”

“I know,” said Mrs.Squiffy. “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go nuts looking for the jewelry.”

There was once a little girl who was in the bath with her mum,
“mummy,” she asked, “what’s that?” pointing at her privates,
“that?” stuttered her mum, “why, that’s my jungle dear.”
“Oh,” replied the daughter, as she stumbled off to bed.

The next night, the girl was in the bath with her dad, and when
she looked down she became confused. “Daddy?” she mumbled,
“what’s that?”
“erm……. my snake. That’s my snake darling, don’t go near it.
ok?”
“Ok dad,” she replied.

On the third night the girl went into the bath with her mum
again and, pointing at her tits asked, “What are they, mummy?”
Her mum quickly replied. “they are my headlights darling.” and
with that the young girl dropped the subject.

Late that night, when everyone was tucked up in bed, the little
girl suddenly shot up in bed and ran into her parents room
yelling “Mummy, mummy, quick, put your headlights on the snakes
going into the jungle!”

At the funeral, a priest was consoling the bereaved man’Come, come my good man, tears cannot restore your mother-in-law.”Yes, I know… thats why I’m crying.’