Category: relationships

Two gay men were partners for life and finally decided they wanted a child of their own. After weeks of consultation with Doctors and Psychiatrists the two decided to mix their sperm and implant it into a willing surrogate mother.

Soon they learned that the procedure had worked and that the surrogate was pregnant and doing well. After the usual period of time they got the call they were waiting for…their baby was born!

So they rushed to the hospital to see the little one. Looking through the viewing glass they noticed several newborn girls in a row…all of which were crying and carrying on intensely. Then they spotted a cute little baby boy at the end of the row, smiling and looking at them with great joy…this little baby had to be theirs.

Soon they saw a nurse and she confirmed that yes, indeed the peaceful little boy was their son. They started congratulating each other, saying how lucky they are that they have such a perfectly happy well behaved son.

The nurse, hearing this, said “He may look happy now, but you should see him when we take the pacifier out of his ass!

Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, “Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.”

“Because,” the man says, “I live in a two-story house.”

The Judge replies, “What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?”

The man answers, “Well Judge, one story is ‘I have a headache’ and the story is ‘It’s that time of the month.'”

James and Beverly Jenkins had been married for twelve years when they mutually agreed to end it and get divorced. After the divorce was granted, that same day, as they stood facing each other for what could be the last time, James asked Beverly if she would mind him asking one last question. “Not at all, go right ahead,” she replied.

“Well, their is one thing that has always bother me. We have five kids with brown hair but youngest one, little Jimmy, has blonde hair. So, please tell me, whose kid is Jimmy?”

“I just can’t tell you, James. The answer would hurt you too much.”

“I’ll be fine. Now that we’re divorced, finding out whoever Jimmy came from can’t hurt me too much.”

“Well, if it’s that important to you…Jimmy is your child.”

Q: What are the three rings of marriage?

A: Engagement Ring, Wedding ring, Suffering

One day a five year old little girl excitedly approached her mother, and
announced that she had learned where babies come from. The mother was amused and
said, “Oh really sweetie, why don’t you tell me all about it?”
The little girl then explained, “Well … the mommy and daddy take off all of
their clothes and the daddy’s wiener stands way up high and the mommy kneels on
the floor and puts the daddy’s wiener in her mouth, and then the daddy’s wiener
sort of explodes and makes sticky juice into the mommy’s mouth, and then the
mommy swallows the sticky juice, and that’s where babies come from.”
The mother looked lovingly at her daughter, leaned over to meet her eye to eye
and said, “Oh honey, that’s sweet, but that’s not where babies come from …
that’s where jewelry comes from.”

During one “generation gap” quarrel with his parents young Michael cried, “I
want excitement, adventure, money, and beautiful women. I’ll never find it here
at home, so I’m leaving. Don’t try and stop me!”
With that he headed toward the door. His father rose and followed close
behind.
“Didn’t you hear what I said? I don’t want you to try and stop me.”
“Who’s trying to stop you?” replied his father. “If you wait a minute, I’ll go
with you.”

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!

“I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz” said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity.”

With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man’s schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife.

“I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said, and opened up his briefcase.

“Oh my God!” she screamed. “Schwarz is dead!”

Submitted by Admin
Edited by Calamjo

A woman is in bed with her lover. she says, “my love, you’re so strong and
brave, what would you do if suddenly my husband appeared in the doorway?”
“i would beat the s*** out of him. i would screw off his head and say it was
always that way….”
suddenly, they hear a frightened voice from the doorway, “no, no, i am still
for two more days on a business trip.”

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. — Agatha Christie

Two friends, a white guy and a black guy, both work together.The white guy came in late one morning and his black friend asks where he had been. The white guy says, “My wife gives me good sex every night and she kept me up really late last night.”The black guy says “I can’t get my wife to have sex with me, no matter what! How do you do it?”The white guy says, “I read her poetry every night.”His black friend then asks, “What kind of poetry?”The white guy replies, “Blondie, blondie, eyes so blue, how I want to make love to you.” Then the white guy tells his friend to go home and try it – it’s a sure thing!The next morning the black guy was about 2 hours late. When he comes in, he has a black eye and his arm is in a sling. The white man asks, “What happened?!”The black man says, “Man, don’t ever speak to me again!”The curious white man asks, “Well, what did you say to her?”The black man replies, ‘Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog, bend over bitch, and take it like a dog!!”

I’m not the kind-of guy who objects to my wife having the last word.I’d just wish to hell she’d get to it !