Category: relationships

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME______________________________________
DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT____________ WEIGHT_____________ IQ__________
GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #____________________
DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_____________________________
HOME ADDRESS__________________________
CITY/STATE___________ ZIP_____
Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent?__________
If NO, explain_________________________________________
____________________________________________________
Number of years married________If less than your age,
Explain______________________________________________
____________________________________________________
Do you own a van?_____ A truck with oversized tires?_____
A waterbed?__________ A pickup with a mattress in the back?______
A condom?______ Pornography?_______ Do you have earring, nose ring,
or a belly button ring?________ A tattoo?___________
(IF YES TO THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)

In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?
_____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you?
_____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?
_____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________

Church you attend______________________________________
How often you attend_______
When would be the best time to interview your father, mother, and
priest?_____________
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential. (that means I won’t tell anyone EVER)
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be
__________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my
__________________________________________________________

C: A woman’s place is in the
__________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is
__________________________________________________________

E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is
__________________________________________________________

NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue. Leaving premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.

What do you want to do IF you grow up

__________________________________________________________________________

What is the current going rate of a hotel room?_______________

Condoms come in A: 3 B: 6 C: 9 D: 12 E: ALL OFTHE ABOVE
(circleone)

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN HAND TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

_______________________________________
Signature (that means sign your name moron)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can’t, and it would cause you injury) If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch your back).

A man and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. The wife says to her husband, “For our anniversary this year, you can ask me one question, any question you want too! and I will answer it truthfully.” The husband replies, “Okay, this has been bothering me for a long time, but I haven’t had the courage to ask before… I have noticed that all of our eight children look similar to one another except one. I can’t figure out how he got to look so different. Did he have a different father than the rest?” The wife stops. She is unable to look her husband in the eyes. Slowly she replies, “Yes, he did have a different father.” Her husband was taken aback. “Oh! Okay… I must know. Please tell me. Who was that child’s father?” Again she cannot look her husband in the eyes. She is very distressed and after a long silence she slowly said, “YOU”.

A father charges into the bathroom and starts yelling at his son “Son! How
many times have I told you not to do that? Stop it! If you keep doing that,
you’ll go blind!”
The son replies: “I’m over here, Dad.”

So one night, the farmer gets drunk. He grabs his wife’s tits and says, “If these could give milk, we could get rid of the cows.”

He grabs her butt and says, “If this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens.”

The wife grabs the farmer’s dick and says, “And if this stayed hard, we could get rid of your brother.”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

Honey, my boss told me that I’m a beauty.
Really?
Would you now agree with me that he is a pervert?

Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young Jackie said unhappily, “Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?”
The woman shot her an angry look, “Jackie, how dare you talk about your father like that!”

Fred and Jim are having a quiet beer one night when Fred announces that he’s going to divorce his wife.

“Good grief” says Jim, “You and Sue are the happiest couple I know – why on earth would you want to divorce such a lovely woman after all these years of obvious bliss?”

“Well” replies Fred, “Truth be known I’m just bored with pokin’ the same hole night after night after night. I guess I’m hankerin’ for a bit of variety.”

Jim: “Well if you want variety, why don’t you just, you know, turn her over every now and again?”

Fred: “What – and have a house full of kids???”

A couple had a son and a daughter. Both married. The mother tells a friend
about her new in-laws.
“My daughter married perfectly. Her young husband adores her. Every morning he
wakes up, goes to the kitchen, prepares breakfast, while my Anne stays in bed,
warm and cozy, like a princess!”
“And what about your son?”
“Don’t ask! His marriage is a disaster! He foolishly adores that
good-for-nothing wench. Every morning he wakes up, walks to the kitchen,
prepares breakfast, while she impudently stays in bed warm and cozy, like a
cow!”

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every so often, she has to stop
to breathe.

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her
husband’s best friend. They have sex for hours, and afterwards,
while they’re just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is
the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks
over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the
conversation…

(She is speaking in a cheery voice) “Hello? Oh, hi. I’m so glad
that you called. Really? That’s wonderful. I am so happy for
you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye.”

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, “Who was that?”

“Oh” she replies, “that was my husband telling me all about the
wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”

When Casey stated he was getting married, his pet parrot was very upset & insisted on going on the honeymoon with the couple. “Okay, okay”, his owner agreed to the bird, “You can come along, but I don’t want you looking. You gotta promise that you’ll look the other way when we’re making love…and if you break your promise, you’ll get nothing to eat!”

Not wanting to be left at home, the parrot readily agreed.

Before leaving on their honeymoon, Casey & his new bride were packing their suitcases, the man, out of breath, says to his wife, “I can’t get it all in honey, you’ll have to sit on it.”

She says, “No, that won’t work, I’ll get on top and press down.”

“No that’s not gonna work, why don’t we both get on top?”

It’s then that the parrot thinks to himself, “Food or no food…this I GOTTA see!”

Schedule of a Wife and Mother:Attempt to wake husband. Feed baby. Make breakfast. Change baby. Wake kids. Dress kids. Walk dog. Feed baby. Drive kids to school. Drag husband out of bed. Do laundry. Iron clothes. Clean house. Make husband lunch. Feed and change baby. Clean house again. Walk dog again. Pick up kids. Pick up school stuff. Clean up dog’s mess. Make dinner. Call repairman, plumber, electrician, and exterminator. Swat flies. Yell at kids. Put kids to bed. Change baby. Go to Wal-Mart to stand on line for three hours to get one bag of chips for husband. Clean house again. Go to bed. Get up. Comfort baby. Let dog out. Change baby. Let dog in. Get 10 minutes of sleep. Schedule of a Husband and Father Sleep. Go to work. Sleep. Drink coffee. Have wife pick up. Watch football and drink beer. Fall asleep. Go to bathroom. Lift one heavy object for begging wife. Go to bed. Get sleep while wife feeds baby.